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Sofioula

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  • #353144
    Sofioula
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear anonymous03,</p>
    I’m terribly sorry for replying so so late. I’m dealing with walking my own path, finding myself and treating me like a human being that I am hehe ;P

    Listen, all these thoughts could potentially be ocd related. The factors that would actually categorize it is ocd are: frequency of occurrence (ruminating constantly on a loop), levels of distress being created by those thoughts and behavioral patterns of doing or avoiding doing certain things in order to insure that the thougts in your mind won’t actualize in reality. I.e. If I drink from the mug A gifted me, I will forever lose him. Or, A was right about that thing so that means he is right about us and I was wrong so I have to search youtube for “10 signs he truly loves you” to confirm because if I don’t my anxiety will kill me…. I hope I make sense.

    I would like to point out to you that you don’t have to think those things and this YOU HAVE TO POINT OUT TO YOURSELF whenever a thought occurs. If you have ocd, I know who bs this sounds but with us ocd people, ACCEPTANCE is our real struggle. And you have to move on. For the time being focus on, well, just being. You don’t have to make any plans, decisions or even get closure, or get to know what really happened in the past. You are not a fly on the wall of the past. It is done. Please, also consider that A might have been gaslighting you, since I can read a complete surrendering to being the sole cause of all this on your part.

    I’ll be waiting your reply!

    Much support,

    Sofioula

     

    P. S. Check out Gangaji on YouTube. She really helped me refocus my mind.

    #350782
    Sofioula
    Participant

    In addition :

    Sorry I miss one of your replies taling about the obsessive thoughts you have, regarding your mom etc before I replied.

    It’s the same with me. I happen to have both my parents and they both imprinted in me guilt tripping. My dad because he too most like suffers with OCD and also my mom for pushing us to be perfect and having too high expectations of us. Meaning unrealistic. They both did it unknowingly and I think the same is with your mom. So, I think this will help you to heal this aspect of feeling bad for “blaming” your mother.Did she often compare you to other people?

    I have Relationship OCD in the sense of being obsessed of having a relationship and blaming it all on me when it doesn’t go well or it I’m single. I also have scrupulous OCD and basically in a nutshell every spectrum of it except the symmetry and hoarding ones.

    If it’s not hurting you share some thoughts of yours. For example I always ruminate “what if he was a good man and I’ve wronged him”, “what if I lost my only chance of happiness”, “was I suffocating him”, “what if I was a better girlfriend”. Also, making assumptions bases on weird or simple coincidences. Ezample: hearing that song of your on his bday and thinking it’s “meant to be” or that “he thinks of me” when the dog breed he wanted to adopt passes you by. Does it ring any bell for you?

     

    #350774
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear anonymous03:

    I’m sending a big, warm hug to you from Greece. Know that you are not alone. We are sisters – in – pain. Not only you and me, but oh so many women and men with nothing but a blackened heart. I’m really sorry to have replied to you so late, I’m just not good with reading my emails soon…

    I don’t know if you can read my topics and get a glimpse of my experience as you asked,but I’m also gonna give you the gist of it. I was in a one year relationship. It was my first one although I was 23 at the time. I was insecure as every inexperienced girl is so I bought all of his manipulation, of him lying, using me, ignoring me, belittling me in shuttle ways even gaslighting, which was detrimental to my mental health. I was a yes girl, a 1950’s wife to a man that would even pluck a flower from his garden to offer me, or even drive me safely home when I was sick with bronchitis in the middle of the cold winter… People around me started noticing his “abuse” and cold heart. What I was left with was an out of control non stop self blaming  guilt tripping, wanting to go back to him, back to the past and fix everything OCD day and night, excruciatingly for more than a year. I was living on auto pilot, I actually have huge memory gaps because of it and I’m still fighting it, though be it, I’m soooooo much more improved mentally. He basically made me out to be a crazy-for-no-reason- jealous girlfriend and I bought it.

    He would never take me to parties, denied me to meet his family, hated my sister, restricted me on fb and flat out made me think I’m crazy when i was clearly seeing other girls where texting him. He fiercely denied to videochat with me during us being apart for more than a month, he wouldn’t let me stay at his place when I was in need of shelter and he would only see me twice a week. He would make me take 3 busses to get back home whilst owning a luxury car himself. When I would always be available, always cooking, doing HIS dishes, giving him full body massages every single week, buying him thoughtful gifts, comforting him, attending him when sick… He wouldn’t even see me when I was sick, or if it was raining even… And that’s just scratching the surface…

    But all this time blaming me for everything, calling me jealous, saying he loved me  that I’m his first love,  he cried when I was cowardly confronting him… Even when I finally broke up with him, he continued to say he loved me but he didn’t want a future with me.He was furious saying HE didn’t want to break up. So, I mean… Listen, they have the way to trun the tables to save their own skin and inconvenience.

    If there’s one thing I found out in  this little experience I have gained is that I DON’T WANT YOUR STUPID AFTERMATH TEARS AND LOVE. Period. Because you made me go through hell when I only gave you paradise. Know this- yes, you are not a perfect girlfriend, yes life and relationships can have bad moments and it’s not only heaven. And it’s natural, sometimes people break up because not all things can be worked out. But in your case the way he CHOSE to exit, knowing he would scar you is because he didn’t care. He doesn’t care. About you that is. Becasue the aftermath clearly states he care only for himself…

    You can’t just reconnect with someone after nine month, or even three months and mess with their emotional stability and new life. When you’re in love deeply, you either won’t let this person go, or you will let them go with respect.

    But ok, let’s say it was a bad moment he had there and he was an a$$ by accident. The next day he should have apologized or even within a month he would have reached out, either to get back together or make amends. You are no less than a big part of his life and if he treated you like an available 24/7 walmart, that’s tells yoy hoe much he values his life in general. I would advice you not to buy into anything he says. Not out of spite, but out of pure men logic. Please, if you feel comfortable tell me exactly what you say to yourself about this, as in the obssessive thoughts in your head.

    I’m sorry for the long reply. I hope you post again!

    #350766
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your wishes! It really made my night! I was initially afraid of turning 26, as I thought age is an enemy and a step closer to my falsely perceived future of endless single-ness. But I’m feeling nice and comfortable with it.

     

    Understanding that thoughts aren’t dangerous… You get me! As time goes by and I try to voice what I’m feeling with OCD to my family, I realize that only another person with that condition can actually get it. I feel understood and heard when I read your advice. Noone can see that my obsessions are a real threat to me. That they “exist” . I don’t blame them at all though. So this piece of advice you offer is calming me down a lot. I need to tattoo in on my arm! I also came to see that I don’t miss him, it’s being happy and in love that I’m missing. And that’s a huge step for my growth.

    I will try to implement both damage control and threat evaluation and will definitely log in again to check in with you.

    Hope you have a blessed day!

     

    #349242
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    In one hour from now, I will be turning 26 years old. It’s going to be my birthday!!! So, I took this opportunity to post my update as we discussed before.

    My therapy is going very well! I’ve seen huge improvement. My therapist is very attentive and hands on with CBT. My OCD has “relaxed” up to 80%. The only times I get triggered is when I’m on my period or on my fertile day. And that’s not even half bad as it used to. I can now watch a movie, do meditation, cook, enjoy company without this hyperventilation going on in my brain. It’s super nice!

    March 17th I was fired from my office due to financial strains and the outbreak of covid 19. AND IT WAS THE BEST THING EVER! At first, I was sceptical of how I would react and my parents were so worried I would spiral back to depression. But the opposite happened. I became happier, calmer and everyone says : Sofia is back. After consulting with my therapist, we came to the conclusion that my job was not only unfullfiling but also toxic and it not being my primary focus, it was eating from the background. I know it sound complicated but, it makes me feel good…

    In my love life, well there’s none. But that’s ok. I truly think it’s not a big deal. My only concern is that I fear receiving a happy birthday text from my ex, but I know it won’t happen, which also makes me feel kinda disappointed. I focus on my therapy and what’s good for me. I’ve dealt with my “demons” but I still have to fight for my place in “heaven”.

    Having OCD yourself, do you have any helpful tips on how to shoo that particular thought away? Even though it’s not overpowering, I’m still afraid it might get bigger as tomorrow approaches… I don’t want it to take control over my birthday.

    #349230
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Hey Angela,

    I have a similar experience with a date like this last year. Like you, I refused to accept his sexual advances and he got furious. That’s when I told him to go to hell and never spoke with him again.  I never regreted that and so should you.

    There’s nothing wrong with you!!! You did great. You dodged a huge bullet. I also think he’s a violent guy and you protected yourself from future misery and abuse. The other red flag is that he was inconsiderate of you and that should have been enough to end the date right then and there. I’ve been to HUNDREDS of these dates when the dude is blabbering about himself and never get to asks you anything, or he just askes the bare minimum. Spoiler alert: never worked out with those guys. Good riddance! You’re free once again!!!!

     

     

    #349228
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Oh dear, the flashbacks!

    Listen, I’ve been through the exact same thing back in 2018. The EXACT same thing. And then the guilt tripping, the anxiety, the constant mental torture being called OCD. I hope your therapist adresses it, it’s not mere anxiety or intrusive thoughts – it’s OCD. Believe me when I tell you that since December of 2018 when I broke up with my ex till March of this year, I was being extremely tortured mentally. But what helped me get back my life was that I met an incredible therapist earlier in January. Long story short, I was diagnosed with OCD and through CBT I have seen an amazing difference. Please, I can’t stress this enough, you need to tell this to your therapist and work specifically on this.

    Now as for A, I think you realize that he is crying about his own ass. About his own feelings, about his own discomfort, about his own convince. He’s not breaking down in  front of you because of how much he misses you, or how much he loves you or because he realized how incredible you are. Nine months is too damn long to realize true love, especially if you were together with someone for eight years. So I’ll break it down for you: he saw the grass ain’t greener and came back out of convince and narcissism. End of story. He wanted some time alone and GOES OUT WITH FRIENDS PARTYING??!?!? Ok, yeah… No.

    I also think he engraved deeply in you that you are the problem. People have mastery over gaslighting and manipulating innocent and sensitive people. He made you BEG for his attention and so you perceived YOU are needy when in fact, someone is needy of something when indeed the don’t have that something! You are hungry when you are deprived of food. The same goes with love. It was done to me and since you too like me had no real experience before, you blamed yourself. Sister, I want to hug you right now.

    I’m actually tearing up. I’m sorry if I sound cheesy and all that, but I know your pain. Please fight for B, he sounds like a true, decent guy. A had eight years to make you feel special. Eight whole years. If you relationship was a child, he whould be in primary school! Thing about that! Most marriages don’t last that long even, yet he had the chance and he threw it away.

    I know I am a stranger on the web, but take it from me… Yes you have your psychological struggles, yes you need to work on them, yes you need to always check you self worth and never beg BUT you are a normal human being and not everything is your fault. Your relationship with A was toxic because of him being an douche and you being inexperienced. Simple as that.

    I hope you get to feel better. You have B and a promise of a better now. Discard the ex. Hope you find peace!

    #339902
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Good day Anita,

    I felt embarassed to have typed this. I felt embarassed to have once more to ask for confirmation about the past. Or my logic. I built and then I destroy. At this time, I don`t know which is triggering what. But now, I feel numb about it. I feel that it was someone else writting this. A past self or something of the sort. Something happened…

    During an appointment with my therapist, she reffered me to a psychiatrist to get an evaluation from him as well. Last Friday, I went to his office and I was diagnozed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was shocked to have found out that what I go through has a name and a treatment and that I am not alone in this world. As I type this now, I`m getting emotional.  He talked as if he was watching me all my life!!! He was spot on on everything , I cannot explain it! All these years trying to say this to my family, other people and no one could understand! Imagine someone knowing exactly what you mean!!!  What a blessed relief that was! My knowledge of OCD was that of the stereotypical super aggitated perfectionist! It is totally misrepresented…

    He suggested that I continue my CBT specifically for my OCD and that medication is available for me whenever I feel I cannot cope with therapy alone – meaning if it becomes too disfunctional. He explained the different kinds to me thouroughly. I agreed to that as Im yet to explore true therapy and its effect on me. My therapist agree also and we formed a team, to be always in contact and adress whatever pops up. My therapist and I will also work on the subject of self image and self worth. I am optimistic for once. I`m still flirting with the idea of medication since I had the most horrific (from ocd and anxiety) 3 days of my life.

    All this torture, all the pain, all this feeling of losing my mind, crying out to people for confirmation and support …it was this…. An untreated disorder that made my life both disfunctional and miserable. I wish I had known earlier. Oh I wish…

    I wanna thank you once again for all your kindness and support. You`ve been tolerating my sh*t for so long. 😛

    #338824
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Im so sorry I posted this omG....I gave in my impulses again. See, I made a progress, then I take it all back. I would like some commentary on him and my dating skill, meaning on how I managed this situation, but Im also ashamed right now. I promised myself to never look back AND HERE WE GO AGAIN… I`m just sorry.

    #337762
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear E bugs,

    I have to side with Anita here. It reads to me she wanted a peaceful breakup but was also emotional because you were a part of her life and I think she has a good feeling in her heart of your time together. But other than that, I dont think she will be coming back. Not for the right reasons to be exact. Yeah, she is really young, she might get cold feet, or get lonely, or really miss you, or see the grass aint greener either, but those reasons are all bad to reconnect with a person. And you shouldn`t aim for so little.

    Im sure she had her reasons to break it up, but again, the excuse of a busy life etc is bs to me, Im sorry to tell you that. How many times do we feel the need to push are loved ones away when we are going through rough times? On the contrary, its support we crave the most. So I doubt thats the real reason and you know that too. Especially since your relationship was fine and in good standing. It makes no sense. But we do have to entertain the possibility of her friend to have putten words in her mind about you and cause her to doubt your future together. She may have cut it out of fear and out of the false certainty you were going to break her heart. If that is true, again, it`s for the best you split up. You need a person mature enough to make their own decisions and not be so easily swayed by others or be so insecure.

    I wouldnt wait for anyone at this point in my life. And I would advise you the same. 7+ billion people, wait for what? For who? Its trully romantic to think about all the movies of soulmates reuniting but not in the real world…

    #337760
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Mage,

    Why stop?

    Why should you stop?

    Why should you stop believing in yourself?

    Why should you stop having any hope?

    Why do you think you have no chance?

    Because you cant see the future. Often times - I find- that hopelessness is just the fear of the unknown or the impacience of fast forwarding my life through difficult times. Im confident you shall find a job. Even if at first it`s something out of your field of expertise, it might pay well and have other perks as in good coworkers, an understanding boss, nice working hours etc. If you could time travel one year from now and get back to the present, you would laugh at your worries. So I want to see your chin going up.  Just count how many times you thought something to be impossible and then it happened and got you by surpise. 😀

     

    #337752
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Haha it`s fine by me. Zeeza is a pretty unique name afterall 😉

    No of course not. My father is becoming milder day after day. He actually is very regretful of the times he hit us when we were kids, he has apologized numerous times and cries about it often. But his tongue when angry spills whatever, whenever to whoever. Although hes trying each time to keep his cool and Im actually proud of his change.

    I don`t think beating children does anything but harm for both sides considered.  We are the only evolved species of life in the whole universe, violence (but verbal and physical) should be something of the past. This eastern culture of punishing children is ridiculous. It taught me nothing for example. It only created hurtful and depressing connections in my brain, for the people I love the most.

    #337380
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    1. Your father and his mother: she mistreated him when he was a child, no doubt. As a result he felt angry at her, but also guilty for feeling anger at his own mother. This emotional dynamic of anger & guilt is still his experience decades later as it was when he was a child. He is stuck in the same emotional experience of his childhood.     Im really amazed at how you found out about this . Yes my grandma used harsh punishments for my dad when he was a kid, but that was the norm in the 60s and 70`s Greece. But she loved him to pieces!

    And generally, this is something that pretty much all of greek kids experienced growing up, myself included. My dad has apologized for it a million times, but still if there is a fight going on or he feels insulted he would “threaten” us with physical violence. Which he of course doesnt mean it , he jusy has a big mouth. Like stop talking like that or Ill slap you in the face and you`ll see stars kind of thing. Again typical for a Greek father.

    Im happy to report I had my 2nd therapy session.- it went great! She asks such questions that lead to other parts Ive never knew about myself. She asked which are the good or bad events in my life that I think lead me to how I am today and such. She asked to describe the members of my family with 3 adjectives (or more) etc… I even lifted of my chest an incident of molestation from an uncle I experienced as a kid, which no one knows. I felt liberated!!!! 😀 😀 (YAYYYY) She assigned for our next appointment next Saturday to write about how I view myself. It can be as big or as small as I want. I feel progress is being made. Totally different thatn my ex therapist.

    I have some feelings of despair and not-being-enough or being a failure or comparing myself here and there but I m managing to cope and reason with myself on my own. Like my sister says, help should always be used and asked for, but I also have to teach myself how to handle things on my own. I took Friday, Saturday and Sunday to relax and do nothing. Saturday after therapy I went out with my sister for brunch and shopping, but the rest of the weekend we just laid on the couch, feeding our souls with comfort food and movies. It was a much welcomed break as Im always strict with my diet and going to the gym.

    I`m also thinking about starting a new thread here , up-keeping with my updates!

    #336884
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I read your reply when you sent it and instantly began to observe my mom, the relationship with my mom, the feelings I have for her, the feelings our interractions produce and how I externalize those feelings. Here`s what I found out:
    <ul>
    <li>the points you made are…on point. <strong>I am extremely loyal to my mom, even if at times I have to mute my inner voice, perception, emotions etc.</strong> She is so special to me, we had to fight together to stay alive at my birth, because she had complications that could kill us both. Maybe that was imprinted in my subconsious.</li>
    <li>I was following the same path my dad had with his mother. He was extremely attached to her and although he never restrained his anger explotions towards her, he would litterally torture himself with guilt (still does) and make sure she forgave him. <strong>This obsessive sense of loyalty and respect towards his parents was passed unto me. Alongside with the guilt tripping.</strong></li>
    <li>I am super nice to my mom because I saw the unfair treatment she had from her mother. My grandma was a narcissistic woman, manipulative with anger issues. She married a saintly man, my grandad who was too timid to stand up for himself or his kids. She hated my dad and was tutoring us against him, even as little as 4 years old.<strong> I myself had a super rocky relationship towards my grandma, even now that I forgave her and I care for her, I`m still unable to erase all the hurt inside of me.Now she is calm and caring because she is unable to sustain herself and she loves my dad to death (?!). My mom was emotionally neglected to the extreme and had no real friends, no one to lean on, to fight for her. So, I think I am the replacement of her mother emotionally, a role I took on completely on my own.

    To really solve this conflict, you will have to .. betray your mother, so to speak. Can and will you  betray your mother this way, asserting yourself, acting in a way that you value, a way that will cause you to admire yourself?    I actually did that yesterday. Her boss is rude to her and she didnt stand up for herself and I had an mini explotion of anger (not being mean or offensive) when she told me she didnt feel the need to speak out. And it felt nice. I was peaceful afterwards. Maybe all this strife with myself was because I was not expressing myself.

    Truth is, theres nothing I hate more, nothing I am more afraid of than being/ witnessing unfairness. More than death, more than loneliness, more than pain. When I was a child, I wanted to become a judge or laywer to protect victims (especially of rape/domestic violence/human rights). Maybe that adds nothing to the dialogue here but I think its worth mentioning.  I stopped having these aspirations when I started being bullied at my new highschool  (age 14)and completely lost my voice. I didnt stand up for myself, or do anything, thus I thought I would become a fail of a laywer. Before that and at my old school I used to be the MOST outspoken, confident, boldsy, strong girl in the whole building. My classmates had debates with me and everyone thought Id be very succefull with a career in law. I had memorized the Greek Constitution and was known for my feministic view (1- 2 wave feminism). I am honestly clueless where this kid “went”… Still looking for her.

    #336608
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I want to report that I`m slightly better than I was before as concerned with the lastest guy I dated. Yes, I do have my outbursts of: – what have I done? -why did I push a good guy away? -what if he never comes back? -what if I lost a chance in happiness?,  but now they are more subtle and fade away quicker. I can actually calm my mind all by myself for the most part, even if it means I have to  use selfish/egotistical/bitchy thoughts that seems soooo strange to have. Sometimes I do ask my loved ones for support, but I force myself to stop indulging in self pity, self doubt, self victimization and self inflicted panic. Que sera, sera.

    Another thing is that I “talk back” to myself. And its soothing. Its discipline that boosts me at this point, I think. Im young, beautiful, accomplished....I can achieve better things. I deserve better things. No man that likes you treats you like that. I used to believe that small actions of interest, or just basic courtesy was HUGE. No, its not acts that count, it`s the consistency and quality of acts that count…

    “Of course, the anger and dominance will have to be somewhat controlled so to not become abusive and violent- this is where part of the fear is, that anger will take you too far?” yes kinda. That the results of my anger will create irreversable realities which will be definite and cruel. For example, if I react to this guys mean remarks or disrespect, I will never find another man, Ill be alone forever so lets just suck it up and be thankful that at least theres a man around. Or if I talk back to a collegue that disrespected me, the event will be so huge, Ill get fired. Or if I curse someone that cursed me on the streets, they will kill and/or rape me. So better be quite... This springs from the fact that my parents and especially mty dad always warns us about everything but using extreme examples and extreme concequences. For example dont be intimate with a guy because he will use you and you might get pregnant. I know its amazing to have people that love you and want the best for you and to even get warned when things look ugly. But warning can get ugly too. My family biggest fear is  making mistakes/last chances. Especially my dads. Hes guilt tripping himself 24/7 for stupid things or even things he didnt do! He used to shout at us and get mad small things like dropping food on the floor or not making a deadline in school. "I TOLD YOU BUT YOU ARE SO STUBBORN YOU NEVER LISTEN. YOU ARE JUST LIKE MY MOTHER. NOW THIS IS WHAT YOU GET. / YOU ARE DRIVING ME INSANE WHEN YOU DO THAT!/  WHY DO YOU WANT TO DESTROY YOUR MOM AND I?/ YOU WILL BE WRONG AND THEN YOU WILL CRY BITTER TEARS, YOULL SEE.” This is what he typically says, more or less agressive it depends on the situation. “Ok, Im wrong, you are right./ I apologize to you" is all the time and in a passive agressive manner. Now that hes older he is milder in his ways… Mom will always be like “Dads coming home, hes angry pretend/act like nothing happened/like you know nothing./ Tell him this or that (with extreme detail)./ If dad says do/say this./ Please do it for me, say nothing it shall pass, I dont want any fights in the house". I dont know if sharing this helps…

    To all of your 3 theories I agree. I used to be an outspoken person once. I still cannot bear my mom being so coward. Although I love her more than anyone, she never stands up for herself. She prefers calmness instead of justice, to me its maddening. And thats why I can`t grasp how I got to be so like her.

    (SAP) Yes I think that too. Deep inside , I dont think my mom is an equal to my dad, thats why I want a man thats gonna be her polar opposite. I may love her but I dont admire her. I love all she does for us, but I would like her to be more dynamic because its so unfair for her. Or its possible I am an emotional leech, I suck the anger I cannot create myself. Even now that I type this, the thought of an angry man is the sexiest thing ever! Because angry = passionate in my mind. I`m tired of myself I just want to be like all the other girls.

     

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