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Sofioula

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  • #377525
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Your explanations completely resonate with my experience and I’m truly glad and relieved to understand that other people get my “point” since my environment never seems to get it.

    Your current biggest problem seems to be expectations – mostly parental and societal – around getting married and having children. You’ve been hearing from your parents that you should get married early, by 30 at latest, because after that no one will want you and you’ll die alone. This was drilled into your mind since the early age, and as the years progress, it’s making you more and more nervous, not just that you’ll disappoint your parents, but also that they may be right – that this grim destiny is awaiting you unless you do as they say…

    My thoughts exactly! It was drilled inside my brain, my soul, and my subconscious as well. I often have nightmares about ending up really old and alone, or being 45 and still childless. The most painful part of what you said is the realization that they may actually be right, that I do have to hurry, otherwise there’s a high chance this might come true. What’s even more painful is hearing them criticizing people’s lives, especially single women’s choices. And even though they now realize it’s not the 80s anymore, that relationships are harder to create and maintain, and that I am still too young to settle down, I still believe they only say it out of compassion for me, with pain in their hearts.

    The antidote to that is to tell yourself that you’re young and you’ve got time till at least 35 to have your first child, because your body is capable of that without problems. You’ve got many years in front of you to fall in love with a proper guy and start a family. It’s your life and your decisions. You don’t want to rush into marriage with someone only to see it break down a year later. You want the best for yourself – so no settling for less.

    Again, I agree with you. I know women that got married at 36, 38, 41 and still had kids and wonderful, strong marriages. On the flip side, many of the young people in my circle that got married young, are already divorced, separated, or cheat. If I’m ever to get married, I want it to be forever, to my best friend, my soul’s companion. Not just to a guy I feel obliged to marry because we are closing on 30+ and are together for 4 years.

    One more thing that makes me uncomfortable though, is that I told my ex that I wanted to be married by 27 – 28 and that was the official reason for our break up (others became apparent to me later). Since that’s not happening, I feel so bad for not doing as I said. In my eyes it’s him telling me “I told you so” and it drives me crazy. How do I deal with that?

    Have you worked with that in therapy? Have you allowed yourself to feel and express all emotions, including the “negative” ones? Because that would be the first step to reclaiming your life, emotion by emotion, life experience by life experience… 

    No. At least not to the extent that I hoped. My therapist was way too much stuck on the idea of CBT that she was blinded to the fact that it is not a remedy for all my problems. We tried CBT for my confidence issues and it didn’t help one bit. My own work and dedication helped me with this one. As far as experiencing all my emotions and my family issues she was always postponing addressing them, regardless of me expressing how they are affecting my well-being. I got really tired of her methods that I stopped therapy last February. Now I’m taking a break from therapy until I find a new one, preferably one that will enlighten hidden aspects of myself. She never did that. I think a therapist should, alongside guiding you to deal with your situation, also diagnose and bring stuff to light for you.

    If you’re denied the right to make mistakes, it’s almost like you’re denied the right to be human, to learn from your own mistakes. Combine that with your parents denying you to express the full spectrum of emotions, including the negative ones – and you’re in a double bind.

    Because you can’t know what you want if you’re cut off from your spontaneous impulses and emotions that were unacceptable to your parents. It’s like your internal compass was disabled… With that, you’re even more terrified to make mistakes.

    YES! YES! YES AND YES! Impulsiveness & spontaneity are core elements of myself, my identity. I was denied them. I was told to always fear things turning bad, not as I hoped, and to always have a plan B. There were also the plans/ decisions that my parents would deem irreversible (*insert eternal suffering in guilt and catastrophic outcome*). Sometimes, that’s good advice, but why, even if I regret one thing, that that would mean suffering from guilt? Why does it have to consume me? Example: getting a tattoo. For sure I might regret it. But even if I do, I might say it out loud, sigh, cry AT WORST, and then I would live with it. IN PEACE. Why do they have to make such a big deal out of freaking mistakes? Why can’t I live to regret my decisions? Why can’t I make mistakes? Stupid and silly ones? Even big ones? Why do I always HAVE TO take their advice? Why do they always have to GIVE ME ADVICE? Why do they always have to run and PROTECT ME? Why do they always have to STRESS ABOUT MY FAILURES or POTENTIAL danger, regret, etc? Why do they have to patronize me? Why do they always have to say I KNEW IT, I COULD SEE IT COMING, YOU NEVER LISTEN, I TOLD YOU SO, YOU ARE SO STUBBORN YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME? I don’t wanna listen! I don’t like them planning my every move, my life! I never asked for a GPS! Wasn’t born with one!

    Sorry for the capslock. It’s just that I felt so angry with them. Especially my dad. This is what I have to put up with every single time I’m about to make a decision, whether it is buying a car, dating someone, ordering take-out of FOR GOD’S SAKE spilling water on the freaking table. CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. So unbearably controlling.

    I hope I didn’t ramble too much. But I feel safe here. It’s my healing “resort”.

    #377506
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita, good evening.
    How’s it that you always light up things for me so perfectly? I’m gonna answer to your observations one by one, those I found strung a chord in me the most. Sorry for my late reply, this week has been like working in an 18th century factory, time wise…

    (*) Your high intelligence is evident when you post in your threads, but in the context of an ongoing emotional interpersonal situation,  your otherwise fine intelligence is no longer available to you. To act intelligently in an emotional interpersonal situation, a person needs adequate access to one’s emotions, so to be guided by those emotions (and by logic). Without access to your emotions, you had no guidance and you were therefore lost. Lost, you mindlessly, and inappropriately, resorted to your habit: being polite to a person who was just cruel to you.

    — I thank you for finding intelligence in me. And if it doesn’t sounds like boasting, or the wrong way, I too think I’m intelligence and that’s why in part, I’m always so confused about my actions and beliefs. They simply don’t match with what I understand to be right. They are “fruits” of that emotional oppression and suppression and they have nothing to do with my authentic self. I fear emotions too much maybe. It’s not the end of the world to “feel”. Whatever one may feel. And others feeling shouldn’t worry me so much. I’m not letting go of my empathy but it has to be regulated. It’s becoming a bit toooo much.

    (*) When you did express something your parents considered a problem, sometimes they dismissed you with compliments, such as (1) saying that you are beautiful, and therefore you shouldn’t have any problems, or (2) calling you “the survivor, the fighter, the logical one and the sweetness of their lives”, and in so stating, suggesting that you don’t need their help to survive or to make sense of life, and that you should forever remain the sweetness of their lives, giving them no taste of bitterness- no problems, no drama.

    — That’s it! That’s exactly what I was trying to communicate all my life! Perfections, imperfections, they have nothing to do with the reality of living and having problems. White teeth and green eyes won’t cure my inhibitions or anxiety. Talent and blonde hair won’t help my OCD or my broken heart and even fighters die someday. There’s always something stronger than you.

    * Your father used his anger to mute you. Your mother used her fear of your father’s anger to mute you.

    — Yeah, it makes sense. They wanted dolls not children. They were too young to take on the responsibility of growing up children and lacked the communication skills. They were and still are loving, giving and caring, but at the same time, how can a 24 year old mother and 27 year old father know how to act with their emotions, let alone teach that to their kids? For me at least that’s one of the reasons I think kids and marriage should come when your ready to confront and manage your core emotions, especially anger, fear and stress. Ironically my dad thinks one should become a parent as early as possible in order to have the strength to support a child physically. But the younger you are, the less strong you are emotionally, in my humble opinion. Let me know what you think on this.

    (*) To have healthy friendships and relationships, you need to take on, and adhere to the very long, skillful process of un-muting yourself. You wrote: “I always stand up for the oppressed and those being mistreated with fierce passion”- un-muting yourself skillfully, patiently, over time, with some professional, quality help, will be you standing up for the muted oppressed/mistreated you with fierce passion.

    — How do I start doing this? How can I finally be strong enough not to worry about what others think of me? I would use professional help, but I’m in the process of searching for a good psychoanalyst/new therapist right now. My old therapist helped me a lot but with OCD but she lacks the skills to help me with handling my relationships with other people and she didn’t help me at all with my family issues or confidence matters. She wants to do CBT for everything even though we both see, besides treating the OCD, it’s not working for me at all.

    *One more thing, I think that the reason you were sexually attracted to your first boyfriend’s expressed anger/ rage during sex was because your sister’s rage was powerful in a very attractive way: it was rewarded by your parents, resulting in their Attention, attention that you did not receive. Therefore, you perceives anger as something attractive/ rewarding. You wanted the attention she got, you wanted to express your anger like she did.. but your anger was muted, not allowed. Witnessing anger sexually, expressed at your body, was extremely .. well, rewarding.

    — I do think you are right on this one as well. Ever since I became a little tiny bit more confident and worked on my OCD and other matters, this sexual tendencies and preferences stopped. They are no longer appealing to me and in fact I have NO IDEA what was I thinking back then… or better yet, now I know. I often have nightmares about my sex life with my ex. It haunts me how much I’ve put up with. I am sad about how much I’ve mistreated myself and for the fact that I let so many people go under my skin and control me like a puppet. I’m hoping to explore myself more and understand what my real self wants and needs.

    Do let me know if you have any more insights. It always lbrings a smile to my face talking with you. I deeply appreciate being listened to.   ❤

    #377502
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Good evening Teak and thank you so very much for helping me out with this.

    I am really sorry I have to answer to you so late but I was working until very late at night all week and now I just got the time to sit down relax and contemplate. Chance got me thinking and I decided to go down to Memory Lane as far back as I can go and really understand who I was back then.
    my main expectation as a child was to learn foreign languages which I did. Other than that I never knew what I wanted to do or what I wanted to study in the University. Nevertheless I do love the fact that I studied theology and that I work as a secretary right now. But I cannot say is that I had a dream or a passion as many people say. And to be true I always found it really annoying when people ask me what my passion is or what my goal is or what I wanted to do when I grew up because I had no idea. And I think that’s okay I turned out really good.
    I think my confusion starts with my parents and my sisters criticism of when I wanted to do something and they didn’t like it, be it wanting to dye my hair another color, having a particular taste or way of life and when I grew up and became financially independent discontinued on to the point where now when I want to make a decision their voices are in my head and they affect the of said decision. I am always afraid of what they’re going to say because I’m afraid I’ll get really angry and nervous and stress and I don’t want to have those emotions because they really know when to shut up. Don’t speak they give me looks and they have a certain way of communicating their disappointment.
    Currently my with getting married by 30 years old or why I haven’t already or my fear that I am going to end up alone in this world without any children may stem from the fact that my parents were always telling us to get married soon and have kids early on in life. My dad would be very stressed about that and I think I got it from him. Now I can see he was intimidating us even though he didn’t want to. For him the worst thing that can happen is regret and shame. That I also have sadly. Secondly I think is the societal pressure that women have to get married before the age of thirty because after that we become old and undesirable and no one will want us and we will die alone. It’s also the annoying people on social media parading their relationships and weddings annoying way practically shaming other people for not being so successful as them. The third reason I think is what makes me stressed about marriage is of when I was wrongly diagnosed with a disease at 24 years old. At that time I thought I was going to die and I wanted to hurry before that happened. I still believe. I have unresolved trauma because of that. As far as me being submissive, that has changed utterly. I think it was a phase of me trying to figure out my sexuality and personality, I don’t like being like that anymore, and maybe my birth situation has affected it for a little while, but I worked with my therapist, and I know I’m completely not like that. I stand up for myself and I make known what I want and what I need. I no longer settle for less.
    I’m really, really thankful for your help, and if you find that, you can’t say anything more, please do because it really changed my understanding, for the better, have a lovely evening many thanks again. ❤

    #377492
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Good evening Peter thank you so very much for your reply. I understand what you’re saying. It is true that many times I confuse my goals with my desires and dreams. I can only trace it back to my upbringing. Ever since I was a child I was an over achiever. I knew that if I wanted good grades I had to study hard so I did and I achieved that goal. Then the same happened when I wanted to lose weight. I had to eat properly exercise, so I did that and I achieved their goal as well. I wanted to speak better English I knew I had to practice so I did that and I achieved that goal as well. There are many more examples I like that but I don’t want to bore you with it. And so now that my goal is to have better relationships in my life my understanding was that putting forward the work that’s needed that would suffice. And there are many examples where I did put the work but it just didn’t work. Granded, maybe it was the wrong choice of people and we just didn’t match as personalities. Though it still has me questioning whether or not I am doing something wrong and more specifically but maybe I’m trying too hard and that’s what’s putting people off and they disappear. And at the age of 27 I’m really tired of being the only one in a relationship be it friendship or love to put the work in. I am tired of being the one to initiate everything and every time.

    #365648
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita ☀️💕

    Although it is a real hard process, I’m trying each day to find courage and make choices without the fear of mistakes. I know my folks won’t change, it’s up to me to change myself. But even with saying that, I don’t know exactly how.
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Last night I found out my ex got his PhD and although I don’t want him ever again in my life and I’m no longer in love with him, it did hurt. He went on with his life and seemingly</p>
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>he succeeded while I have not. Thinking that I’m not evolving, that I’m behind in life is so much, I cannot breath at times. I don’t want to be a failure. 😔</p>

    #365542
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita 🌅☀️

    I can’t really tell anymore. It is true that I would love to have a stable job, get married and have kids and so do my parents. But the point is that this goal is eating me up psychologically. Then, although we might want the same things, it is the way I’ve been taught by them to get stressed about it or be criticized about it. Them being critical of my mistakes or alleged mistakes is what’s getting me up at night. The guilt tripping, the what ifs, put the ocd on top of all that, it is a bad combination.  Mistake = “death”

    I have a morbid fear of mistakes. They can never be reversed in my dad’s head and so in my head. The same was with my ex for a long time -> maybe he did truly love me but I was mistaken or ungrateful (etc) and maybe he was my only chance in love so that EQUALS I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life.

    This is what happens with everything I ever did. Second guessing, guilt tripping, anxiety and horror. That’s why I don’t really know what I want. What if I don’t want good things? What if I’m gonna be alone forevermore?

    #365523
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Good afternoon Anita! 🌻🌼

    I’m so sorry for my late response but I’ve been happily busy with the last days of my vacation.

    Yes they are crazy high, somewhat 350€ for a studio apartment and our minimum wage is 650€. Plus the fact the we have a brutal job crisis here since 2012. Most people live with their parents till they get married or have a better income but since the crisis started, whole families stay with the grandparents in order to survive. But I’m praying I’ll find a way.

    Although I do not feel inferior to my peers anymore, I do feel I’m left behind in life. That I’m wasting my life. That I’m not where I should be. Where my parents want me to be. This is a hard blow to my self worth. It’s my real struggle.

    #365214
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Good evening Anita 🌸💕

    Of course I didn’t,you are right. Not do I tone down the severity of the matter. Even now as an adult, it is in fact way more painful because I realize how hurtful it’s been to my sense of trust towards my parents and my self image. Today I actually cried when I recalled a memory of such an event. It has created a big gap in the relationship I have with my dad. The more I realize, the more I remember, the more my adult mind processes the more distant I’ve become with him.

    Our relationship is balancing on a thin string. I know it, he knows it too. My hurt is unresolved and I have projected it as you very well pointed out to my romantic relationships. The bad thing is that I have to live with my parents. I want to escape my memories.

    #365105
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Good morning Anita!☺️🌸

    To me, being brought up in the Greek culture, this doesn’t register as mistreatment. My father was never physical against my mother, God forbit. He has no tolerance for marrital abuse and ever since we were little he was advising us to never ever accept such a thing. He has anger issues that he too acknowledges. He did over the years try to be slow to anger and I have seen a big change in him.

    The incidents with me and my sister is typical of a Greek old school father. Parents nowadays in Greece are different but us millennials had lots of spanking and word shouting. 99% of my peers had the same childhood as me and now it’s a meme/ comedian topic in our country. But I’m really glad it fizzled out with the new generation of parents. I say this to give some background, not to defend his actions. Also a footnote, my Father was beaten and harsly punishment by his mother, again because also back in his day, the reality was worst. Parents were told by everyone to be extremely strict.

    No, in all honesty he doesn’t/ didn’t mistreat us other than his. He is stubborn and cannot accept the fact that we are nearly 30 years old me and my sister. He always wants to know our secrets and most of the time forgets that we don’t want the same things as when we were younger. He wants his will to be done before everyone’s, because he actually believes he’s right all the time yet his guilt trips himself for past mistakes and that is what enrages me! He can also be not very respectful of other people’s boundaries and get sad when you remind him that you for example want to do other things and not keep him company. Even if this is worded in the sweetest way. My mom puts him in his place though. She understands we are adults more than him. He is overprotective to a fault but all of this behavior is actually annoying, not abusive.
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Having thought a lot about my dad, it is clear to me that he has a mixture of OCD and ADHD. The later even more obvious than the first. We all agree on that.</p>

    #365088
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Good evening Anita!

    Thank you  for your kind replies and for taking the time to speak to me.

    What you are suggesting is mind blowing to me. I can see how true it is. Clearly and objectively true. But see, this is what I wanted my therapist to do. To actually illuminate things for me. She doesn’t, she let’s me to figure out what’s going on and in fact, while in some instances it’s producing results, more often than not it doesn’t and I feel frustrated.

    In all honesty, I pay this person to get answers not figure them out on my own. It’s because I’ve already tried and failed that I needed an experienced professional to do this for me. Not out of laziness but my brain is so fried for over analyzing and trying to see the end of the tunnel it’s painful.It really sounds shallow but that’s my truth.  With OCD and distrusting everything, I need an expert to show me the way. I’m not going to quit her, I’m giving it another chance. See where it leads…

    One clarification though, my parents love and words of affirmation and admiration were equal to both me and my sister. What was lacking though was the distribution of time and importance on our feelings, life goals, achievements and that sort of stuff. My parents always told me I’m the most beautiful girl in the world, they call me their sun, because I’m so blonde and they get sad when they understand that it falls on deaf ears on my part. My sister always wanted to be blonde and green eyes like me, she always called me “model” and is also pissed off by the fact that it doesn’t register in my head. So, love I have all and more. Attention is what always was less than my sister. Even if the difference was quite small, I still understood that as my mistake for not being good enough to be important enough.

    Not only was there love in words but also actions. I was never given less than my sister on a material level. My dad still drives us around, even at odd hours, just for our comfort and to be sure we are safe. It sounds silly, but that’s Greek culture. So, I’d be damned if I were ever to accuse my parents of mistreatment or lack of love and affection. What was lacking was the ability to stop feeding my sister’s and more often than not, not protecting me from her unjust, narcissistic or plain manipulative behaviors. Because they cannot see her as being guilty.

    In a nutshell, they are not the parents who would prefer they kid to go in jail for a proven crime, in order for them to grow and face the consequences. But rather they would do anything for the kids comfort and delude themselves that that’s more loving. This is the case with my sister. Me, on the other hand, I was not allowed to be in a bad mood, make mistakes, be angry, have problems. As you pointed out, I have to be the sun girl. They cannot see how I could have any reason to be troubled. Do they perceive me as perfect or something? I’m not.

    My disbelief in their statements stems off of the fact that feel-good words feel like brushing off the actual matter. “Don’t worry, your are so beautiful!” , For me that ain’t cutting it. I need constructive feedback, either positive or negative, with real arguments and no emotions mixed in. I might be too strict but this is how my brain works.  I don’t need compliments, I need encouragement and logic. When I just hear good words, I get the feeling that my parents want to get on with other things, they don’t want “the drama”. Having problems is drama for them. And I can see the boredom in their eyes for having to discuss certain things. So that’s why I can’t believe I’m pretty when told that. Even though they believe it, it’s superficial to me.

    And your analysis about my role in my ex “relationships” is GOLD. Wow. It makes so much Sense. I treated them and my self as if I was role playing my parents marriage dynamic which I perceived as completely normal.

    Let me know if you don’t understand something I say.  It’s currently 2:51 in the morning here plus my English got real rusty this summer. I’m double checking to be sure I’m making some sense!😆😅

     

    #365087
    Sofioula
    Participant

    .

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by Sofioula.
    #365055
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Good Tuesday Lily!

    I’ll tell you what doesn’t help my with my path of not giving a f*CK about what other people thing – it’s stuff on the internet. Here’s what I mean:

    – articles with nonsensical advice such as love yourself (huh, amazing!), make new friends and go to the gym

    – social media and gorging on YouTube videos of what perfect people are. Meaning vloggers and influencers are toxic more often than not. So, I deactivated my social media accounts and limit my YouTube time on theologic material ( because I’m a Theologian).

    – self “improvement” books. Don’t,just don’t. It’s more about creating a fake self sense of guilt rather than actually helping.

    The truth is comparison is a vile tactic societies use to undermine your happiness and push you into consuming their services and or products. There’s nothing wrong with being concious of what other people think. But there the matter should end. Instead we try to reverse others ideas about us, when hey, there’s 8 billion people, but you only got ONE self. Don’t tear it up to so many pieces. Perfection and acceptance is overrated. By the end of the day the applause will neither feed you nor love you. We don’t live with an audience. We live alone and that’s comfortable.

     

    #353144
    Sofioula
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear anonymous03,</p>
    I’m terribly sorry for replying so so late. I’m dealing with walking my own path, finding myself and treating me like a human being that I am hehe ;P

    Listen, all these thoughts could potentially be ocd related. The factors that would actually categorize it is ocd are: frequency of occurrence (ruminating constantly on a loop), levels of distress being created by those thoughts and behavioral patterns of doing or avoiding doing certain things in order to insure that the thougts in your mind won’t actualize in reality. I.e. If I drink from the mug A gifted me, I will forever lose him. Or, A was right about that thing so that means he is right about us and I was wrong so I have to search youtube for “10 signs he truly loves you” to confirm because if I don’t my anxiety will kill me…. I hope I make sense.

    I would like to point out to you that you don’t have to think those things and this YOU HAVE TO POINT OUT TO YOURSELF whenever a thought occurs. If you have ocd, I know who bs this sounds but with us ocd people, ACCEPTANCE is our real struggle. And you have to move on. For the time being focus on, well, just being. You don’t have to make any plans, decisions or even get closure, or get to know what really happened in the past. You are not a fly on the wall of the past. It is done. Please, also consider that A might have been gaslighting you, since I can read a complete surrendering to being the sole cause of all this on your part.

    I’ll be waiting your reply!

    Much support,

    Sofioula

     

    P. S. Check out Gangaji on YouTube. She really helped me refocus my mind.

    #350782
    Sofioula
    Participant

    In addition :

    Sorry I miss one of your replies taling about the obsessive thoughts you have, regarding your mom etc before I replied.

    It’s the same with me. I happen to have both my parents and they both imprinted in me guilt tripping. My dad because he too most like suffers with OCD and also my mom for pushing us to be perfect and having too high expectations of us. Meaning unrealistic. They both did it unknowingly and I think the same is with your mom. So, I think this will help you to heal this aspect of feeling bad for “blaming” your mother.Did she often compare you to other people?

    I have Relationship OCD in the sense of being obsessed of having a relationship and blaming it all on me when it doesn’t go well or it I’m single. I also have scrupulous OCD and basically in a nutshell every spectrum of it except the symmetry and hoarding ones.

    If it’s not hurting you share some thoughts of yours. For example I always ruminate “what if he was a good man and I’ve wronged him”, “what if I lost my only chance of happiness”, “was I suffocating him”, “what if I was a better girlfriend”. Also, making assumptions bases on weird or simple coincidences. Ezample: hearing that song of your on his bday and thinking it’s “meant to be” or that “he thinks of me” when the dog breed he wanted to adopt passes you by. Does it ring any bell for you?

     

    #350774
    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear anonymous03:

    I’m sending a big, warm hug to you from Greece. Know that you are not alone. We are sisters – in – pain. Not only you and me, but oh so many women and men with nothing but a blackened heart. I’m really sorry to have replied to you so late, I’m just not good with reading my emails soon…

    I don’t know if you can read my topics and get a glimpse of my experience as you asked,but I’m also gonna give you the gist of it. I was in a one year relationship. It was my first one although I was 23 at the time. I was insecure as every inexperienced girl is so I bought all of his manipulation, of him lying, using me, ignoring me, belittling me in shuttle ways even gaslighting, which was detrimental to my mental health. I was a yes girl, a 1950’s wife to a man that would even pluck a flower from his garden to offer me, or even drive me safely home when I was sick with bronchitis in the middle of the cold winter… People around me started noticing his “abuse” and cold heart. What I was left with was an out of control non stop self blaming  guilt tripping, wanting to go back to him, back to the past and fix everything OCD day and night, excruciatingly for more than a year. I was living on auto pilot, I actually have huge memory gaps because of it and I’m still fighting it, though be it, I’m soooooo much more improved mentally. He basically made me out to be a crazy-for-no-reason- jealous girlfriend and I bought it.

    He would never take me to parties, denied me to meet his family, hated my sister, restricted me on fb and flat out made me think I’m crazy when i was clearly seeing other girls where texting him. He fiercely denied to videochat with me during us being apart for more than a month, he wouldn’t let me stay at his place when I was in need of shelter and he would only see me twice a week. He would make me take 3 busses to get back home whilst owning a luxury car himself. When I would always be available, always cooking, doing HIS dishes, giving him full body massages every single week, buying him thoughtful gifts, comforting him, attending him when sick… He wouldn’t even see me when I was sick, or if it was raining even… And that’s just scratching the surface…

    But all this time blaming me for everything, calling me jealous, saying he loved me  that I’m his first love,  he cried when I was cowardly confronting him… Even when I finally broke up with him, he continued to say he loved me but he didn’t want a future with me.He was furious saying HE didn’t want to break up. So, I mean… Listen, they have the way to trun the tables to save their own skin and inconvenience.

    If there’s one thing I found out in  this little experience I have gained is that I DON’T WANT YOUR STUPID AFTERMATH TEARS AND LOVE. Period. Because you made me go through hell when I only gave you paradise. Know this- yes, you are not a perfect girlfriend, yes life and relationships can have bad moments and it’s not only heaven. And it’s natural, sometimes people break up because not all things can be worked out. But in your case the way he CHOSE to exit, knowing he would scar you is because he didn’t care. He doesn’t care. About you that is. Becasue the aftermath clearly states he care only for himself…

    You can’t just reconnect with someone after nine month, or even three months and mess with their emotional stability and new life. When you’re in love deeply, you either won’t let this person go, or you will let them go with respect.

    But ok, let’s say it was a bad moment he had there and he was an a$$ by accident. The next day he should have apologized or even within a month he would have reached out, either to get back together or make amends. You are no less than a big part of his life and if he treated you like an available 24/7 walmart, that’s tells yoy hoe much he values his life in general. I would advice you not to buy into anything he says. Not out of spite, but out of pure men logic. Please, if you feel comfortable tell me exactly what you say to yourself about this, as in the obssessive thoughts in your head.

    I’m sorry for the long reply. I hope you post again!

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