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Sofioula

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  • in reply to: Questioning myself… #302679

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I did, I read it, I read all my posts actually… I feel nothing. I feel sympathy for the person writing it, like I would for a sweet, sad teenage girl that is in love with a classmate who doesn’t love or respect her. And then I feel like punching that idiot classmate in the stomach (not literally of course). In the beginning it felt like 2 different Sofioulas, but now, it feels like a completely different entity wrote those posts and not me.

    I’ve been “sober” from my ex consistently now, to the point where I don’t give a single crap about his existence. Sober from all my self judgment, sober from oppressing my feelings, sober from perfectionism. I truly say to you, I feel I was born recently. It literally feels I’m alive, that I just landed on this place and body. Now I realize how truly detached I was from my being.

    Anita, I can’t even begin to describe it. It’s not limbo, it’s not rainbows, sunshine and sparkle. It’s plain reality and it feels so damn good!!! Even the everyday struggles, boredom, confrontation, yes even tears. I accept all that. I accept, I stopped loathing in regrets and self criticism, in self victimization. Deep relief that’s unshakable because I know, negative emotions don’t shake you, rather they are shaping you and it’s a crucial part of our existence.

    My motto would be “decriminalize emotions”. Especially so called unwanted ones. Living in utopia is more self restrictive than reality. You always compete with perfection and you lose touch with your identity.

    I’m a Christian Orthodox and deeply believe in Jesus. But I learn about Buddhism and Buddha, have so much respect and it influences my life in a meaningful way. I used to think that Buddha wanted elimination of suffering and critiquing it. But to my understanding now is that he talked of pointless, self inflicted suffering. What is your opinion on this?

     

    in reply to: Questioning myself… #302273

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes of course! No need to worry. Have a great day ahead 😀

    in reply to: Questioning myself… #302251

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’ve been traveling the past 3 days. I gave myself a well needed off the radar experience, enjoying some summer days under the sun, with my family. It’s been wonderful and even so much more wonderful NOW that I have this perspective and understanding of the world.

    The mind-swift is like the breath you never knew could feel so amazing. That deep breath you take when you fall in love, or when you daydream, or when you succeed. And I feel all of those feelings. I accepted myself and my human conditions and limitations, positivity and negativity, black and white and all the colors. All the kinds of breathing, all the struggles and insecurities, the anxiety… I don’t discriminate against my emotions any more. They don’t make me less attractive or lovable or successful. Even Jesus, had his breaking point. Experience everything – that’s living and I’m so deeply grateful for this chance to have been incarnated. That’s why we say learning curve. It’s because that curve might get you to all different angles, ups and downs.

    I’m eternally grateful for this forum as well and for your help especially. No joke, everybody asks me, why my face looks different, they seem to get excited and confused to find what I changed in my appearance. And I laugh and smile! At last, organically and intentionally – I made no changes, I just found my skin and wore it for the first time! It’s so amazing how an internal process can reflect on the outside.

    To what you asked about my answer on the sexual part, I meant when imagining. I’ve been inactive since my ex, intentionally, even though I had so many requests. I didn’t want to get my heart hurt again. I want things (especially of this intimate kind) to happen naturally and out of a connection. I can’t Do something out of grief or to boost my confidence. I’m gonna stay alone until love comes. Someone who can walk with me.

    That very last thing you said. We get to our bliss point and all memory and logic are erased. Bliss is not sustainable. Not in this reality of ours at least. Then expectations fall on our heads and, ouch, it hurts. Because we tossed the sooo up high, they came down with force. It’s amazing to have expectations, and even high ones. But to the things we can control and work for. Not for how a person is gonna play out in our lives. That takes two parts and all you can hope for is balance.

     

    in reply to: Questioning myself… #301939

    Sofioula
    Participant

    I really suck at answering on time don’t I? 

    Dear Anita,

    Good evening, thank you so much for answering and a deep apology for my lame and late  delay. Life is been so full that I barely get to open my emails anymore. But still, it’s full in a good and productive way, so, Praise God. 🙂

    Some light. Finally after so many years I can understand now. Why and how. The unexpressed anger, the sister competition, the parental dismissal, the strange sexual attitude, the broken relationships and the detachment from self. Thank you once more, I hope it’s not getting repetitive but… I am grateful for your insights. You can’t imagine how…

    As far as my anger, lately I let it escape more. I don’t judge myself for it. I let nature take it’s coarse, because I know that I act with caution and mindfulness when angry, never putting my mental or physical integrity at risk, nor anybody else’s.

    My sister issue: I have been opening up to her about my anger and our parents issue. Guess what? We connect over those things and at these moments, I truly SEE her and she does me. It’s like a bingo moment. It has improved our communication and I hope we can heal most of our wounds. Optimistic 😀

    My ex is been on my mind less than the fly on my wall right now. Because for the past weeks I’ve been practicing this: “every time my brain pops him out, I either pray and focus my mind on that, and the Blessed Image of Jesus Christ or I get angry and” sassy” about it and say he’s a nobody. I know the later is not reeeeally positive and mindful but, for now it helps. And I care more about that than being internally politically correct, sorta say.

    About sex, I see what you mean. Completely. I have unraveled in my mind all my experiences about it and even process and look deeply into what makes me, well, “enthusiastic” when it happens. So I hypothetically change the eeeh, “scenario” in my head with something less violent, something more traditional and loving. The experience is a WHOLE lot of different. And gratifying in a peculiar, for me, way. Never would have thought.

    I also have been refuting and debunking most of ideas my environment had embedded on me. Piece by piece I’ve been debonning my whole philosophy and perception of things. I decriminilized a huge amount in my head. For example, standing up for myself when wronged or appreciating my emotions as valid and human. Well mostly anger let’s be honest. And that I can’t please the universe and its inhabitants. It’s not my purpose, destiny of responsibility so FACK the universe. We will coexist in disagreement, humanely. Not happily. And that’s the biggest swift in my perception of reality. We don’t have to live happily or else or lives are negative or flawed. Negativity matters too. It’s a complex and most needed duality. The more happy one strives to be, the more blandly and aggressively does he/she get shaken by reality. People use mindfulness to achieve total bliss. But truthfully, mindfulness equals grounding and 100% experiencing the now and here. Whenever, however and wherever that might be. What’s your point on that?

    Yesterday, I received yet again an anonymous call. They didn’t say a word again. That person just wants to hear my voice. It’s borderline creepy. And there’s nothing I can do about it, sadly.

    I would really like to see your thoughts on this. Hope it’s not too tiring to read 😀

    in reply to: Questioning myself… #301499

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    This makes sense. Especially the last paragraph – I can see the connection of my upbringing and who the role I took upon myself is self destrucrive, leading to that problematic relationship I had.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>So, all I need is attention. To be the focal point of someone’s life due to not being that in my family. That ex didn’t give it to a form of love, respect and care, so I basically took whatever he had to give me (anger, mistreatment and sexual violence e) because something is better than nothing. Again it makes sense. It clicks. Thank you.</p>
    But the hard part is to tune out of this role, to detach from this identity. I try really hard and work out mentally to improve. It has brought so many happy and relaxing days my way, but it is not enough in the long run. I need A change, a transformation. Not into something I’m not, just becoming more self loving, self respecting, independent, having boundaries and being a go getter for my life.

    For the longest time I thought it was that people saw me as a looser, an easy prey, an open book. True, I may as well be. Is it something fixable? And do you think, I should  keep my heart closed to the possibility of love during this process? I feel I cannot trust my judgment so easily after being hurt.

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  Sofioula.
    in reply to: Questioning myself… #301471

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    No, you’re right. To this day I don’t get offended by his treatment although I have started feeling angry and somewhat irritated by that. A “normal” person would have been furious! And ALL, like literally, aaaalll the people that hear my story do get enraged!!!! So how came I don’t? It’s because I’m timid to the worst possible way for my mental health and life stability.

    About my sexual submissiveness I think it boils down to liking the man to get off his sexual tension on me with rage. Sorry if I’m getting too explicit, but there is a word in Greek I’m trying to translate jn English but there’s no exact word to describe. Explode, burst, getting off, mayyybe that’s it? I like when a man is angry at sex (again basing this off my only experience with my ex and my sexual fantasies). Being anrgy, violent (not to the point of harming me tho) is what I find sexy. My role is to accept all of it and to obey to his needs. Kind of like a rugdoll.  It sounds really bad I know, but it’s so appealing for me. I of course like to be active but only for the part of his pleasure. I’m surprisingly open minded sexually (sex for me being a 2 persons,monogamous , heterosexual affair, because I’m a female cisgender heterosexual) and have asked my ex for variety but he refused several times. I really enjoy being restrained, God I don’t know if I’m making you feel uncomfortable, I’m so sorry.

    Outside the bedroom, in real life no, being mistreated is a no no for me. For one, my biggest hate is lack of justice and my biggest fear on earth is being unjust and unfair. If there’s something in my subconscious tho, that feeds off of that and gets pleasure out of it, I don’t really know…. I always stand up for the oppressed and those being mistreated with fierce passion. But on me (and regarding my ex relationship) it’s a mistery to me even!

    I really do hope I didn’t cross the line with my narration about sex and didn’t give too explicit of details.

    in reply to: Questioning myself… #301375

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Good evening! I’m late for my response. And here’s why: I didn’t no the answers to your questions. Superficial yes, but deeply, I had no clue. Maybe still don’t, but at least I gave it substance in my brain. I tend to brush things off my mind so much (fitting in that suppression nature) that deep thinking is now a form of mental exercise I gladly challenge myself with (not to be mistaken for overthinking tho).

    To your first question : I was sick all along. Then Saturday came and I dreaded that since I’m sick he would make bypass me and make plans with friends, which he often did leaving me with only seeing him once a week or maneuvering my whole schedule to see him on an inconvenient day + time for me. And so I “cried” to him, sorta begging him to meet, because I was missing him so very much. Saturdays were really a tough day for me to fix a date with him. He agreed most the time but after a week of negotiations, suggestions and even “arguments” (him getter angry and me getting depressed is what it was). I was so sad he gave no fig if he wouldn’t meet me. He always was saying it’s fine. What kind of man in love does that? I call bs on that. I digress – so my dad drove me near his place (because I insisted, my dad wanted me to drop me right at his doorstep for my comfort) and he came with his motorcycle and picked me up and we drove at his place, basically a 2 minute drive. He NEVER offered to come pick me up from my place. He just suggested we shouldn’t meet because he didn’t want me to suffer or him caching the same illness.

    To your second question : Yes I took three busses whilst feverous and the next half hour I texted him that I loved him so much and I was so lucky to have him. No confrontation, no disappointment, in fact, I DID believe I was lucky and never had it ever crossed my mind that he was a douchebag or that he was playing me. I thought his behavior was normal and loving even. With no prior experience, anyone can sell you a rock for a diamond. It’s like kids adds, they are successful because kids buy into anything. Plastic seems gold when you haven’t seen gold or haven’t been taught the difference.

    To your third question : I don’t know if subconsciously I did. Because consciously I didn’t perceive any mistreatment happening. I couldn’t make that connection, my brain was no sensing it at all. I don’t know if it’s tooooo TMI and if I’m even allowed to talk about this here but, in the most private aspect of life (*cough*) I enjoy and adore been submissive and/or mistreated. To which HE couldn’t even grasp why. But I can’t know for sure 100%,because again my only experience was with him in that concept. Who knows?

    Do you think there might be a correlation between submissiveness and my anger repression struggle?

    in reply to: Questioning myself… #301183

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think it is exactly so. I’ve been reading a lot to find out what causes this zoning off. Turns out it is repression after all. All of the sources pointed out that is a form of self soothing, kind of like a coping mechanism. Basically I escape so that I don’t have to live the rejection of my feelings.

    It’s sad to think that I did this to my poor self. Sad because I think I have value and my feelings are valid. In my pursuit of peace and utopia I ignored and silenced myself, just as everybody else wanted.

    But I’m happy that at least I know what’s going on finally. My therapist, which I stopped seeing, thought I was doing all this out of a family imposed victimhood on me. That all this happened because I am easy prey for ths hunters out there. Where I find that I dodged many bullets on my own and even younger, with my strength and will. I’m not a victim, I’m just on mute. I need to free myself.

    And it’s true Anita, that when I’m expressing my anger I feel shaken but… It feels wonderful afterwards!!!! I’m so proud of me when I speak my voice. Do you think hobbies that help you express anger could be helpful for people like me? For example boxing, martial arts etc?

    Everyone who knows me says three things about me: intelligent , sweet and stubborn. My family also thinks I’m the smartest person amongst them but I disagree. I know I’m smart on somw level but, not socially smart. I’m really sociable, don’t get me wrong. Everybody enjoys a conversation with me and I know how to carry myself openly and gracefully. I’m the the type of woman that always smiles and laughs at the bar, I give the idea of the carefree girl. Or at least they told me so. That I have a friendly attitude that’s attractive. So how come I screw up at follow ups with people? That’s the mystery! What do you think?

    in reply to: Questioning myself… #300995

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Of course ask anything don’t even mention it! I’m truly grateful for taking the time and energy to help me with my issues. And with your help I’m having the calmest days of my life for almost two weeks straight. So big thank you <3

    Now on to what you asked. Whoever treats me with politeness I tend to open up completely very early on,because I consider them friend material. I don’t know why I do this, it’s impulsive. Maybe I’m subconsciously thirsty for friendships. And as time progresses I get promises that don’t follow through like let’s have coffee together, let’s go shopping etc whilst they get what the ask of me, be it a favor, money loans, gifts, attentiveness to their problems. The last one’s a biggie. See, they always want me around when they’re down, abandoned, sad. When luck strikes for them, they completely ignore me, go out with other friends, not even asking to join.

    For example, I had a “friend” whom I supported psychologically through a rough time. But when I broke up, she disappeared whilst posting pictures of outings with other people having so much fun. She had the nerve to ask me out to which I enthusiastically agreed. Outcome? All the days leading to our meeting she disappeared. Then the day and time of our meeting she texted me she couldn’t meet because she had to study and later that exactly evening she posted photos of her being out with other friends. Next day she contacted me asking how I’m doing. I didn’t respond. Since then I seized all communications with her and other friends like her.

    That’s exactly what’s happening to my parents as well. I call it the friend curse of the family.

    in reply to: Questioning myself… #300825

    Sofioula
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Oh and I forgot to say, yes we continued our relationship as usual. There was no break and not even a thought about it. When I was to think about it, it was either in the form of fear of losing him or in a form of a nightmare. I would say I was utterly blind to all his mistreatment and flaws but see, with zero experience I thought all of this was normal, my brain didn’t have that information to make the connection. Plus he used to say whenever I shyly “challenged” him (and that I think was my instinct trying to protect me/wake me up) that all men are like that. Imagine, even until this very post “Questioning myself” I still thought I could have made a mistake leaving him and that he maybe had true feelings for me!!! I used to picture him getting sad and teary, missing me…. Pathetically oblivious.</p>

    in reply to: Questioning myself… #300817

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank God I’m not the only one to think this way. I knew what she was saying to me was controversial at least. And as a matter of fact everyone in my family and some of my “friends” told me to drop her. But I wanted to explore this route.

    Your therapist sounds like a proper professional and honest person! No, I mean, here in Greece it is obligatory to answer all your patients calls or text etc in case of an emergency. Because you care for their emotional health, you carry the responsibility if they live another day let’s say. And of course, I would never misuse this to gain more free time of therapy. I’m too decent for that hehehe.

    Regarding what you asked, there are 2 separate times that happened. First time I was miserably sick and almost unable to speak, I was Giving him hints of how unwell I am, how much in pain I am (you know when you want to make someone do a favor to you but without asking, just “prompting them, not in their face type of thing). Well he did get the” message” and he said : “maybe you shouldn’t have come here sweetie if you were that unwell”, “I feel so bad putting you throught this”, “why don’t you call your dad to come pick you up?”. No fights no arguments nothing. I was stupid coward and facking shy. So he dropped me casually like any other day to the metro station, getting off immediately, not even waiting with me for the train to arrive. As usual.

    The second time was when again I was in tge worst condition ever, where the same scenario played out, but instead, because I was also with fever as you mentioned, I found the courage and asked him to his face. He said : “swetie I would, but I fear the paint on the car is not yet dried”. His car was painted on Friday and it was Sunday morning. At that time I didn’t know that when cars get painted go to a furnace type of thing and when the come out are COMPLETELY dry and ready to go. So he insisted he couldn’t and that I should call my dad. I told him my papa couldn’t. Then he offered to drop me with the motorcycle to another metro station, so that I could take 2 trains instead of the usual 3. I declined because the point was to get protected for the wind and the cold. Getting on a motorcycle AND having to go through the trouble made no sense. At last he gave up, took the car and dropped me at my place whilst all fhe way being frustrated and pissed he had to endure the traffic ( the roads were basically empty).

    After both those incidents I texted him how I thank him so very much and how I appreciate all that he does for me and our relationship. That he is my blessing and that i am proud of him. He would say the same things sometimes but never that long of a text. Usually he would sent emotional emojis, hearts etc.

    And now dear Anita, laugh with me please as we realize how naive (to say the least) I’ve been.

     

    in reply to: Questioning myself… #300787

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Good morning Anita,

    Oh that’s so considering of him! I’m glad this therapist was such a professional. It’s really rare nowadays to get the quality work you pay for.

    On the contrary my therapist doesn’t even pick up the phone when I call her. She would only receive sms texts through her “receptionist” which I never laid eyes on… I think she’s a ghost lol.

    And correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t this unprofessional for therapy? I mean I know you can’t nag your therapist outside your sessions but, uf for example I’m desperate, something happened: panic attack, suicudal thought etc, aren’t they obligated to pick up the phone and help you, as any other doctor would in case of an emergency? Well, she clearly doesn’t. Nor has she ever said that she’s here for me whatever should happen.

    I want to confess something, I don’t have friends. As in real friends.  Friendly acquaintances that’s all I have. People who don’t even care to call for a coffee or stand by side when times are rough. True I talk with many people but if I suddenly fo missing, they wouldn’t call or text. They didn’t help me through my breakup or anything ever. So I have cut tues with ALL those people for over a month now. Sometimes it gets too lonely but, it’s better than faking bliss.

    I give everything to people who I consider friends. In return I get nothing. Not in material stuff (which even then there’s no equal give and take) but emotionally. I told my therapist that I don’t know who other people do it, how do they make lasting friendships? She told me she doesn’t trust her friends either and that even if I did have friends , I shouldn’t trust them and ask for their advice because that’s what psychologist are for, not friends. Sad.

     

    in reply to: Questioning myself… #300719

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Good evening first of all! I talked about this with myself (internally of course). It does seem stupid and non logical as you point out. When she actually told me that, I told her the truth: my first dream was to study law and become a judge, but I was talked out of it, as I am not a person to memorize easily and law school is 80% memorizing, well, laws. My second, biggest dream and the one that gives me pain to the gut for not achieving, was to become an opera singer. I was successful at passing the audition for the conservatory and got in, but my parents couldn’t afford it so that flopped. Add in my parents disregard of it as an actual job, it died. Her answer to all of this was that I’m wrong, that those were never my goals because if they were, I would have done everything to achieve them. They were an illusion of having it all together in my mind. Simply, not true. I disagreed then and still do now.

    So, I told her I was considering studying for law school. Now at age 25, having a stable job with a good income, having been done with my studies, single and with ample free time (plus I work at a law firm and the people there want to support me on this), I can give it a shot. After all if it doesn’t work, or it does and I change my mind, I’ll not be on the loosing side. She said that it would be a waste of tume and of the finest of my years trying to achieve the impossible and that I would end up marriage-less and childless. Go figure…

    What I meant with abandoning the practice is that I’m considering not going to a therapist again. True I make a good income for the standards of my country but, I don’t want to lose more time or money to gain nothing and just chat. Is there hope in therapy?

    in reply to: Questioning myself… #300631

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    This past week has been a bliss. Total silence in my head, Tranquility and peace. Never felt so awake or relieved. I hope it lasts. Living in the present moment is amazing. I can’t believe I do it! It’s emotional to think about how I no longer think about the future. Sounds silly, but it means the world to me.

    I read your response yesterday but wanted to deeply think about it, process it and meditate on it. Turns out, it makes sense. I know who I am, but I guess I mistake my “lack of self awareness” with “fluidity of tastes”. And I guess that’s fine by me. My therapist insists that the root of all my problems, anxiety, failed relationships in life and oppression by others is that I am not fixed on my ideas, tastes even the fact that as kid had no set professional goals (for example I want to be a teacher growing up). So she claims that lack of identity creates lack of goals which creates openness to susceptibility and exploitation by others. She goes on saying that almost all kids create a standart identity at the age of 14 and onward and that I skipped that process (adolescence) because I had the repression and molding from my family.

    It makes sense but for the most part, I don’t know anyone that has their sh*t together 100% of the time. Some people have set tastes and other like me are more fluid. But on the core aspects of my life as you pointed out, I know what I want and need. And that’s a strong indicator of my identity.

    She only said that I need a loooot of work and that she would give me exercises and “homework” to better myself but still no sign of that… She is against group therapy, self improvement books, articles and magazines saying, not one duet is suitable for all people. One thing that concerns me is that once I overheard (unintentionally) her session with another client whilst on the waiting room. That woman was being cheated from her husband,he had no respect or care for her, causing her immense pain, and because she has 2 kids and no job, my therapist said that she should try and fix her marriage. That it would be a loss on her part financially, that she should not let that other woman win and that women with no income can’t divorce and should stay even if the couple lives totally different lives. That made me sick to my stomach…

    Truthfully, I got so much help from Tiny Buddhas than I did with my therapist, books, videos etc. I don’t know if I should change therapist or completely abandon the practice.

     

    in reply to: Questioning myself… #300489

    Sofioula
    Participant

    Good evening Anita,

    I had approximately 8 to 9 sessions with her. I found her through google, she is near where I live and happens to be on of the most famous psychotherapists in the country (been on tv, magazines etc).

    To be honest I didn’t make much of that aspect. I chose her because of the proximity and gender factor. I felt I could open up better to a fellow woman about such intimate stuff.

    She is down to earth, literally a woman next door, just like an aunt or your mom’s best friend, that type of thing. So she is familiar and that’s comforting. She engages in conversations with me, asks me about seemingly random things about me and then ties them together to make a case. I don’t know if I make any sense right now lol.

    But I feel she focuses too much on my family and history and less on actually worhking with me to help me find myself. Because she was the one who said that we should work together to help me find who I truly am.

    Another thing is she gives me examples about patients she has (of course without any names) and from her own lofe as well. It helps but, I need the heavy stuff. My fear is that I give money to talk, which helps, but doesn’t solve my issues at core. I want to see changes. It comes with time and consistency and effort but nevertheless, it has to start happening.

    Do you make anything of it? 🙂

     

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