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  • #357278
    gamer
    Participant

    I apologize for the late response.

    Yes our relationship was private but we did spend lots of time together — just like any other couple. Going on plenty of dates, hanging out a lot, getting to know each other, dinners, double dates and friend hangouts etc… we did all of that. I met his siblings and close friends, he met mine. We pretty much did exactly what a normal bf/gf couple would do except in our case… our parents didn’t know. And the reason why we both kept it private from our parents is because they do not approve of dating at all. We had a plan to tell our parents and we talked about things very openly so there was so confusion there. We were always open with each other about everything.

    It hurts when you say this: “Practically and objectively, he is not a significant part of your life even though it feels like he is.” From an outside perspective, I understand that you see it as: just two young kids who happened to fall in “love” and we haven’t really stepped into reality (living together, dating in the open) and that is because of our age, and primarily because of family circumstances. He is important to me and we care a lot about each other. One thing I know for sure is that what I feel for him is different from what I felt for others in the past. I really care for him and love him.

     

     

    #356952
    gamer
    Participant

    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Hi Anita. I read both your posts and I have to correct something.</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Although the relationship is kept a secret, we did spend a lot of time togetner. We were together for almost 2 years. We went out a lot, gotten to know each other, made a lot of memories, met each other’s friends and had a lot of fun together.</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>And you may be right. That he told his friend something and told me something different.</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>During this period of no contact, he kept trying to contact me though. Last night he texted me saying his dad was sick and asked if I can pray for him. And I responded asking what had happened and if everything was okay. He explains and then tells me he was sorry for all the pain and trouble he has caused me. That hopefully one day he can forgive me.</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>We both have come to agreement that he is confused. And I cannot expect clarity from someone who is confused. So I did what I said in previous posts of leaving him alone… but why is he contacting me? And that too about his family? And then begin apologizing…?</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>As much as I want to ignore it and let it go, it’s hard because I’m trying to move forward and let go of this confusion, but at the same time, I feel like my progress diminishes whenever he texts me. I feel like I have a roller coaster of emotions and it just makes me all confused.</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He told his friend he wanted to focus on work and school and be alone right now.. but why is he messaging me?</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>What do you think?</span></p>

    #356876
    gamer
    Participant

    Hi Anita. here with an update.

    I was talking to a friend of his (who became my friend — i mentioned her before in a post) and she told me that my ex told her the reason why he ended things with me was because he wanted to focus on work and school. And that he did see a future with me but he just wanted to be alone right now.

    However he told me he wanted to be better for me and to fix himself. And school ended. and if anything i never distracted him, i always helped him with it.

     

    I wonder why he wasn’t straight up and honest with me. I feel like he’s giving me false hope.. but I’m not sure. What do you think

     

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 19 hours ago by gamer.
    #356292
    gamer
    Participant

    I agree with you and understand what you are saying. I hope he feels much better this time and heals and is less confused now that I am not in the picture. I never meant to get in between him or his life and I mentioned this to him several times. I apologized for my actions and took the blame — because it was really my fault. I can get angry and demand a lot and my confused/hurt/sadness is all masked through anger which turns into animosity.

    After you mentioned that to me in a previous post, I have come to a realization that I give a lot of hostility towards people I am close too.. I am trying to figure out how I can solve that and gain inner peace and happiness but that will take some time.

    I was mainly showing you his responses just so you can help me articulate what he is feeling. I didn’t share all of my responses because I thought it wasn’t important. So yes I will leave him alone, yesterday was complete no contact and I will move forward with that. If anything changes, I will update you.

    Thank you for reading all my posts and helping me understand his side… I knew I had a problem with understanding him but thanks to you, I have an idea and slowly starting to accept this situation. I really appreciate your thorough responses. Thank you again, I hope to give you a more detailed and happy update soon

    #356278
    gamer
    Participant

    Thank you for your update.

    1. He is way busier than I am. We both are students so I finished a week earlier than he had. He is done with school now too so until Fall time, we have a summer break. I do have a lot of time on my hand now that I can’t go out anywhere. My mother advises me not to because of the outbreak so I just sit at home and make use of my time. I either draw, call my friend, organize, cook with my mom etc. I lost my job because of the outbreak. I do have a good relationship with my parents — my mother more than my father. My brother and I are close as well. Before this outbreak, I would hang out with family often, see my cousins, friends as well as him so I didn’t only focus on him. During this outbreak since I do not go out anywhere, I sit in my backyard with my family and hang out with my family more.

    2. He worries about his financial matters at home. His parents do not work but his mother has savings and assets that can pay the bills and run the household, she manages all of that. Money has been tight for them but he works and his sibling works as well. He isn’t the type of guy to be attracted by money at all — I am currently jobless and money is tight for my family right now since only one person is working in my house post covid. Sex on the other hand, we both agreed to wait till marriage and since the end of Feb, we haven’t done anything (no kissing, no touching etc). We both have a love language of quality time and we both love to connect and build that bond. So before we did anything physical, we became friends to best friends and then we moved to the next step. The only family member that knows we are dating is my brother. My parents do not know because they are strict and don’t allow me to date. The same reason for his parents as well. He did come to a family party and was introduced as my brother’s friend and my parents loved him. He bonded with my father very well and opened up. So there was no discussion related to us at all.

    3/4. I do have anger but it’s mixed with other feelings like hurt and confusion. Remember when I had mentioned he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me and then after a shower, he changed his mind? Wouldn’t you be confused and hurt? He kept changing his mind which made me hurt and confused and led me to doubt everything he said prior and if he actually meant it. I understand that I need to resolve this anger somehow, but I feel that the only way it can be resolved is if I hear it from him. Why he was confused… what changed his mind… what is actually going on in his head.. what he’s thinking… etc. I cannot ask these questions now since the breakup is fresh but these are some things I need clarification too. Would it be a good idea to ask for a clear and coherent response after some time of space?

    5. Yes he doesn’t have any of those motivations towards me (financial, sex). He has been like this (anxious, emotionally unwell) way before we even met. His friend said he’s been like this all of high school. There is definitely reasons and factors as to why he is like this because his brother is the opposite… the factor is his family. And like you said, if he continues to live there, he cannot begin healing.

    6. I understand what you are saying. I’m not trying to ignore my own faults and blame him only. I know where I went wrong in this too, I am also to blame. There are 2 people in this so it’s not only one person’s fault and I made that clear to him. I feel as if I’m trying to piece things together to make sense of what has happened in the past 18 days, and in doing so, I am driving myself crazy. He had asked for space for a reason and I will give it to him but in this time, I am also looking at ways I can control my emotions and reactions. I believe there is always room for improvement and I take accountability for my actions and am trying my best to resolve them. I looked up the no contact period and it lasts for a month so I will see in a month from now what is going on with him and us.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by gamer.
    #356214
    gamer
    Participant

    I believe that as well. I’ve been having a hard time wrapping my head around this though.

    What you said about no contact, I thought he would reach out and talk to me. I didn’t expect text messages frequently and phone calls but just to check in… but he didn’t. He was posting on social media but never responded back or messaged me after last night’s conversation. So even though I would love to talk to him, I think it’s best if I continue this no contact method for awhile and see where it goes.

    However, I’m not sure if I’m overthinking but this is where my mind is at right now. Things are not adding up to me. Some days he tells me he loves me and wants to marry me etc. Some days he tells me how lucky he is and how beautiful I am. I can’t help but think if what he said was even true. He said he didn’t want this to affect us… but isn’t that contradicting? Because the same problems he didn’t want to affect us, has affected us — which resulted in us not being together anymore. Am I wrong for thinking this? I feel that this is just the hurt me that is saying all of this.

     

    I also feel like I am hanging by a thread… trying to be hopeful that we will end up together after this temporary break. He’s told me several times how he had these “problems” and needed to fix them when we were together. I know he’s trying to fix himself and I would without a doubt wait for him… but am I getting my hopes up? Is there such thing as waiting too long? When is it time for me to move on? 1 month? 2 months? or more?  I’m not sure anymore. What do you think?

    #356086
    gamer
    Participant

    Hello. I’m here with another update.

    I happened to text him a few hours ago because he had accidentally mentioned the break up to my brother…  My brother is very protective and I didn’t want anyone to know about this breakup (as of right now) since it was fresh and personal — but that was handled. Here’s how the rest of the conversation went and this time, it was through text:

    He kept saying sorry, for all the wrong things he’s done, all the mistakes he made and everything he has done to hurt me. He said he realized how draining and toxic he can be when it comes to his life and taking it out on me, affecting me, and bringing me down with him. He stated how he wanted to fix all his problems, and that even though he is distracted with busy work (his business), when he is alone he tends to go off as usual (self blaming). He said he wants to be better for me and it wouldn’t help us if he were fixing himself, while being with me. He stated how he is messed up in the head and he needs to sort that out and that day by day, he will work on it.

    It hurt me when I read all these messages. I was mindful with what I was responding so I reassured him on how he isn’t alone and that if he ever wanted to talk to me, he could. He kept telling me “You don’t deserve any of this, you deserve better” and he says this is unfair to me and I shouldn’t have to fight for this.

    After tonight’s conversation, it seems to me he really is trying to better himself. A little background information that might help you understand is that he’s been like this for years. Before I dated him, we were friends for about 2.5 months and we shared a lot of things and bonded with a lot (similar family dynamic, values, morals, goals etc). I also met his really good friend (who I also became close with — she’s great!) and she had mentioned to me a while ago that he’s been like this for years now. Where he gets into these moods and it can be really draining for other people. She had mentioned this to me when me and him first started dating. I do remember that when I was with him in our relationship, he did tend to overthink a lot and be anxious and I know it roots from his household and his mind constantly wanders into this dark place.

    I ended the conversation with reassuring him that everything is okay and will be okay. I apologized to him as well and appreciated everything he was saying. I told him that it does suck that it has to be like this and for that I am truly sorry but hopefully things will work out. I told him to pray to lessen his worries and anxiety and hope for things to become better. He responded with saying he was sorry for everything and that he hopes he can make it up one day and I responded with a joke (to lighten a mood) and he hearted the text message and that was the end of the conversation.

     

    I’m not sure exactly on how to approach this no contact rule. I do want to be there for him and check up on him every so often but at the same time I just want to let him be and be able to do these things on his own (since he did request some time and space). I have and always will support him, love him and motivate him and am always there if he needs help to better himself but he needs to be able to do that on his own, without me. After reading this, what are your thoughts?

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by gamer.
    #355988
    gamer
    Participant

    I messaged him two nights ago saying “If you change ur mind and want to sort things out, then give me a call” hoping that was the end. I wasn’t expecting a response back. He responds “You can give me a call anytime”

     

    He was just being respectful about it and responding back. He always does. So I don’t want to message him again about this no contact. This is the end of the conversation. I am respecting his space and he is respecting mine, so I don’t believe it’s necessary to message him you know… cause then I’ll become more sad if he responds and what he’ll say.

    #355972
    gamer
    Participant

    Hello. I didn’t end up messaging him after that. I decided it was best to not drag it out longer than it needed to be and give him space as he requested it. If I kept messaging, he would respond and it wouldn’t be right, as I would be seen as too available and needy. I didn’t want to be a bother to him so I decided this was the best choice, to do no contact. I didn’t ask him if he wanted to, for how long etc. I decided it was best to let go of the conversation there and try to move forward by healing.
    You are right. I am argumentative, wanting things, impulsive and impatient as well. I look for my own needs before anyone else. During this break I can figure out how I can manage those qualities. As you said, whether it’s with him or with anyone, I can’t build a relationship unless I improve these qualities.
    Yesterday we went all day without no contact. I posted on my SnapChat story late last night and he was the first to view them, a minute after I posted. He even swiped up on the story and put laughing emojis. I didn’t respond.
    I was very sad yesterday and I am this morning too, but here’s the thing I remembered when I was doing chores in the house late last night:
    -On May 5th, he asked me about a school question and triple texted me. I was asleep, responded when I woke up. He called me immediately. He even told me I looked so beautiful and that he couldn’t believe I was his. He said after this outbreak is over, he can’t wait to see me.
    -On May 10, he told me he would work things out with me and have our communication at 10 and call me everyday and we’ll work things out. He wanted us to have an amazing summer, use this summer to work together to improve ourselves with each other, and he wanted to start the day by hearing my voice.
    -Almost a week ago, I had gotten my period and was having horrible cramps. He asked me if he could drop off flowers and ice cream… I declined politely because there was a family issue I had to deal with at home during that time. He understood.
    -4/5 days ago, he went out late at night to get some food. He texted me “I wish u were here in the car with me.” (Because we always went for long drives and accompanied each other when we had the chance to hang out)

    So while I am giving his space, I come to think of these things he had mentioned to me earlier this month. So he might be patient and honest to you, but I do not believe so because he is all over the place. Telling me we will make things work and then being stuck in the middle again.

    However, I do not blame him because fighting can be draining and his mental health is at stake. His mind is all over the place and I have to be mindful of that. It doesn’t help that he’s constantly overworking himself and being tired because of this new business. And when he does that, he can’t think properly which makes him more confused. I hope that makes sense.
    This is how I see it though: It’s a lot of confusion which is why I decided to not mention anything to him and just let him be. He asked for space and time, so I will respectfully give it even though I may not agree with it, it’s what he needs and tbh what I need so that way I don’t make the same mistakes as I did previously.
    If he wants to contact me because he misses me or wants to talk, or whatever the reason is, he may. He has my number and all my social profiles.
    As hurt as I am, I’m very confused. As much as I would like to be with this man, it hurts to me that in a few days he’ll probably change his mind. I’m not sure. But I’ll leave it at that for now. I’m just going to take this time for myself and improve qualities that I know aren’t healthy, so that way it can benefit me and the people I surround myself with later on.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by gamer.
    #355770
    gamer
    Participant

    <p class=”p1″>I didn’t realize how it was when I used the word “but” I didn’t think of it too much tbh. Thank you. After reading it I understand what I should do to communicate better and effectively with him and with anyone — but I’m not sure if I can do that right now.</p>
    From the last post he responded with this:

    Him: Please tell me how that is realistic I miss u so much but how is it realistic

    Me: I never wanted this break. I was sad all day bc we didn’t talk. I was sad, hurt, crying but that never changed my decision of wanting to be with you

    Him: I never wanted to end things and I never wanted this to happen in the first place. I wanted us to be at ease with each other not each other’s necks How can I possibly see a solution right now I love you with all my heart but what am I supposed to so when things are like this

    Me: would you like me to leave you alone… will that help you think things through and not be confused?

    Him: what did you feel about yesterday (referring to yday’s phone call)

    Me: I was sad… you want to take a 3 month break from me?

    Him: I’m sad too, and there’s no number to it. I just dont want to be the same as we are now I need to go back to how things were and for that to happen we have to completely restart and revisit things some time

    Me: Just so you know I love you so whenever ur ready to talk again, then lmk 🙁

    Him: I hate that it has to be like this and I love you so much okay, It’s just we need to do things so we can be better in the long run

    and then I asked him if we were still together even though we are taking a break. He responded saying “how can we be together when we’re trying to take time for ourselves :(”

    I asked him if this was like a breakup then… and he responded “I want us to be together it all depends on how we’re feeling and doing and if we’re actually ready yo make things right”

    I asked him if I was getting my hopes of (of us getting back together after the break is over) and he said “no ur completely right and not getting ur hopes up cause I want the same thing. All i’m saying is that we should take time to ourselves so we can truly make each other happy you get what I am saying?”

    I asked him “isn’t it safe to assume that whenever this break ends, we can talk? this is breaking my heart, this truly sucks”

    he said: “my heart is broken trust me and yes we will definitely talk. We just need some space between us for some time to restore our self love, happiness and discipline.”

    So then I responded saying “If you change ur mind and want to talk and sort things out, give me a call”

    He said: You can give me a call anytime”

     

    I’m not sure what else I can say to him. I’m not sure what this means. We aren’t together anymore.

     

    The reason why I said “if you change ur mind…” was because he asked for space so I thought if I messaged him that, eventually he can message me back whenever time comes around.

     

    What do you think of all this? I don’t know what to think and what his response means… 🙁

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by gamer.
    #355704
    gamer
    Participant

    Here is an update:
    Him: I don’t want to leave you nor do I want conflict. Today I was thinking about you and working so I was in the middle. I miss you and I don’t want us to be hurt but then again we have trouble understanding each other, believing each other, and also being happy with each other. I’m truly conflicted cause I will always love you but I hate having to feel the pressure of you being upset as if I was gonna hang with friends or what not
    Me: but i was never upset about any that :/ I’m just really sad and I miss you and I don’t want to do this where we’re both angry or at odds with each other
    Him: I don’t know how we can truly make things work tho
    Me: wait so do u think time will fix all of this
    Him: I love you to the point were I would be willing to take time to completely improve myself so I can properly treat you right dude it hurts me so much I can’t make you happy or have a positive impact on you I just want you to be happy I need to be able to be happy with you and not doubt each other
    Me: But u do make me happy though :/ why can’t we improve ourselves together though, isn’t that the whole point of growing together 🙁
    Him: I wish it was as easy as that I wish I can fix everything rn but my underlying fears will always get in front
    Me: I don’t want to take a break tho 🙁 I want to be with u
    Him: I want to be with you so badly I just don’t know how to make things work rn because of what we’ve been through
    Me: but 🙁 i’m very sad, I miss you a lot, and I don’t want for us to be like this anymore. I want to be okay with you, okay with us. I want things to become easy between us. i want to make your life easier, not difficult 🙁

    that was about 40 min ago, he hasn’t opened it yet

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by gamer.
    #355650
    gamer
    Participant

    I messaged him on SnapChat and he responded quickly.

    Me: Hi 🙁

    Him: Hey:) What’s up

    Me: I’m sad

    Him: Trust me I am too

    Me; :/ then why can’t we make this work

    Him: We had this convo yesterday, it sucks so much but we can’t do much about it

    Me: i don’t want any of this though i just want things to work and for it to be easy

    Him: How can that be possible when everything we said yesterday was true. I don’t want any of this either. It completely sucks. Truly. I had my whole future centered around you it feels endless hurt within me when I think about you but what can I do when I feel like we aren’t getting along like we used to? How i feel scared and can’t get over that

     

    I don’t know what to say, please help

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by gamer.
    #355638
    gamer
    Participant

    What would I say? Do you suggest this?

    I just don’t want this break.

    #355622
    gamer
    Participant

    I will. It’s just very hard for me to process all of this.

    I keep reaching for my phone wanting to call him. My intuition keeps telling me to… I do not like this feeling.

    I was going through old screenshots and these were dated in July 2019.

    He said “We will work this out, you’ll see improvements from today and onwards, we just gotta work within our limits.  I love you very much, never ever forget the bigger picture”

    In a different screenshot he wrote this: “I don’t give up easily, u know that. I want it to work as badly as u do”

    Another screenshot he said how he wouldn’t like taking a break from me because not taking to me, will make him sad.

     

    Even last night on the phone call, he said he would still want to keep in contact with me and he said he doesn’t know how he can move forward without talking to me. My heart is telling me to message him but I also tend to act on my emotions a lot.

     

    I was talking to my counselor, and she said to do what my heart says. And that if I decide to contact him, I should explore what I should say to him, what potential responses would be, and how I would feel about those responses.

    #355574
    gamer
    Participant

    You are right. Since it is difficult for me right now to avoid contact with him, I also cut down on social media and deleted the applications off my phone so I don’t feel tempted to message him or see what he’s doing. I do have SnapChat and we have a streak but I haven’t snapped him since last night so that streak will definitely die tonight.

    I will try the meditation tomorrow morning, or actually — maybe tonight before I sleep and see how it goes. Thank you very much anita, I hope things become easier and I will do my best to let go of the desperation, anxiety and the animosity I have. There is a lot I want to improve for myself and with your help, I will be able to focus more on that this summer.

    Thank you once again, you have been an incredible source of support for me during this time.

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