Forum Replies Created
June 21, 2020 at 6:39 pm #359193
You are correct. I don’t trust his words at all. I don’t think his apology was even genuine to begin with. I believe he only reached out after a month was because he knew he did something wrong and he was sorry for being caught in his actions. I will not reach out to him or even contact him.
Thank you for all your thorough responses and advice.June 21, 2020 at 6:21 pm #359189
I agree. It is hard to move past all of this and I was trying my best and then he comes back into my life adding more drama. He tried to justify the messaging by saying we were broken up, but that doesn’t explain the lying.
I deleted him off social media and even removed his siblings so I don’t get any reminders of him. It hurts that he lied because he always told me how much he loved me, wanted to be with me and by his side even with this new business of his. I’m not so sure anymore on what to do.
He kept apologizing over text that day and wanting to meet me in person so he can own up to his actions but I declined it and didn’t want to see him.
Although I never saw this coming and was very hopeful, I still somehow think it’s my fault when it isn’t. I do not know what I did to deserve someone hurting me a lot… lying to me. It hurts to know that it was someone who at one point meant so much to you
I do want closure though. An explanation as to why he gave me false hope after the break up, why he continued to tell me he loved me, why he messaged that girl and then why he lied to me about it. I wish I could get those answers from him. Right now he says he doesn’t know and he acts as if he doesn’t care… but I know it will hit him after a while. He’s distracting himself with work and suppressing his feelings but it’s said that getting over someone is similar to the grief process, and he cannot rush that.
I know I don’t “need” this closure but it would really help me move forward and leave him in the past. There is no point in me trying to contact him right now since he blocked me… I don’t want to be a bother nor do I want to make him think I am needy and desperate so I will let this go and take it day by day.June 21, 2020 at 5:36 pm #359187
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He was messaging her first in a friendly way and she responded, and then he began flirting. He asked to be added on Snapchat and that is where he started sending flirty/dirty messages. She couldn’t show me the Snapchat conversation as Snapchat is merely pictures sent back and forth, but she sent me pictures of their conversation and described everything to me of what he sent her. It was 100% flirting.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>And I’ve known him for a while so I know how he types and the way he texts. So when I read it I knew it was him and confronted him by sending him a text. He called me right away and then sold me an entire story and made it super believable. He made it SO believable that even his friends believed him and I shared this with my close friend too (who knows him) and she believed him too and I knew in my heart he wouldn’t do something like that so I thought it was a misunderstanding and that it wasn’t him. Clearly I was wrong.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I am upset for a variety of reasons. Firstly because he always told me he wanted to marry me and be with me, but then two days after breaking up, he messaged another girl?</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Another reason why I’m upset is because he lied to me for a month straight. He went to an extreme measure to sell me on a fake story of why it wasn’t him.. I believed it. How can someone go to that length and lie to someone they supposedly loved and cared about. </span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>At the time he texted me and confessed, he seemed remorseful. He kept saying he f**ked up and messed up, but then a few days later he seemed to back to normal. Posting on social media, acting unbothered. And then I searched his profile and he blocked me.</span></p>June 21, 2020 at 4:57 pm #359181
She did. She showed me everything of what they were talking about and he lied and said it was someone else and made a whole story and fabricated an entire lie. I know his excuse sounds bizarre but when I say this, he made it super believable. I even questioned if he was lying and he reassured me he didn’t want any other girl and that he was doing this for me. And as dumb as I am, I fell for it
And he never gave me any type of distrust so I decided to see the good in him because I knew he never did anything like this before. I just thought it was a big misunderstanding and I eventually let it go. Then a few days ago he messaged me saying he wanted to own up to his faults. I was so angry and hurtJune 21, 2020 at 4:37 pm #359178
So the reason why he confessed is because this girl happened to message me saying my ex messaged her… i confronted him about it and he lied to me saying it wasn’t him (and made it VERY believable). he made up an entire story and i fell for it. a month later (a few days ago) he texted me saying if I was free to talk things out because he felt that I deserved to know the truth once and for all and he wanted to take accountability… i was so angry and i didn’t want to see him or talk to him so we just talked through text and that is where he confessed to me.
after a month of lying so much he wants to take accountability and own up. he said he felt regretful for what he did but to me it seems like he is doing just fine, while i am here sitting and trying to make sense of things.June 21, 2020 at 3:48 pm #359172
hi anita, it’s been awhile and a lot has happened and i feel that i need to express it to you.
after my ex ended things with me (may 17th), he messaged another girl two days after. i didn’t know about this till a few days ago. he confessed to me through text saying he wanted to own up to me for all his faults. he wanted to do it in person but i felt very angry and so it was better that we didn’t meet. i was furious when i found out why he messaged another girl because he said to me the reason for this break up was that he wanted to figure things out, be better for me. he even said that this break wasn’t permanent.
i can rationalize the part of him messaging the girl two days after because we were broken up, but he lied to me for a month straight anita… i even saw him a few times during this month and even though i initiated no contact, we would briefly check in with each other. within this month of exchanging texts and calls, he would tell me he saw a future with me and that he loved me and couldn’t wait to be with me.
we were together for almost two years and i know from your responses you believe this relationship had no substance or value because he wasn’t apart of my life (as per your last response) but my question is why did he lie to me. if he wanted to leave me and the relationship we had, why couldn’t he be honest. i value honesty a lot (and he knows this) and i even asked him why he lied and messaged the girl, and he said he doesn’t know why he did and that he messed up really bad and can’t take it back.
he blocked me on all social media as well and we haven’t talked since then. it’s like we are complete strangers now.
i just don’t know what to do anymore. the conversation plays in my head repeatedly and i lose sleep over this. i try to keep myself busy and focus on myself but i dont know why someone could do this. i try to read, workout, go for a walk, or even be with friends and family but somehow this is still in my mind. i also started to meditate so i can gain at least some sort of peaceful sleep but the thoughts keep creeping back up.
i tried to ask him, he himself didn’t know… how do i let go and move on? what do you think of all this, as an outside perspective? i just want to know the truth and now i am not so sure what is the truth anymore.May 30, 2020 at 8:43 pm #357278
I apologize for the late response.
Yes our relationship was private but we did spend lots of time together — just like any other couple. Going on plenty of dates, hanging out a lot, getting to know each other, dinners, double dates and friend hangouts etc… we did all of that. I met his siblings and close friends, he met mine. We pretty much did exactly what a normal bf/gf couple would do except in our case… our parents didn’t know. And the reason why we both kept it private from our parents is because they do not approve of dating at all. We had a plan to tell our parents and we talked about things very openly so there was so confusion there. We were always open with each other about everything.
It hurts when you say this: “Practically and objectively, he is not a significant part of your life even though it feels like he is.” From an outside perspective, I understand that you see it as: just two young kids who happened to fall in “love” and we haven’t really stepped into reality (living together, dating in the open) and that is because of our age, and primarily because of family circumstances. He is important to me and we care a lot about each other. One thing I know for sure is that what I feel for him is different from what I felt for others in the past. I really care for him and love him.May 26, 2020 at 8:32 pm #356952
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Hi Anita. I read both your posts and I have to correct something.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Although the relationship is kept a secret, we did spend a lot of time togetner. We were together for almost 2 years. We went out a lot, gotten to know each other, made a lot of memories, met each other’s friends and had a lot of fun together.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>And you may be right. That he told his friend something and told me something different.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>During this period of no contact, he kept trying to contact me though. Last night he texted me saying his dad was sick and asked if I can pray for him. And I responded asking what had happened and if everything was okay. He explains and then tells me he was sorry for all the pain and trouble he has caused me. That hopefully one day he can forgive me.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>We both have come to agreement that he is confused. And I cannot expect clarity from someone who is confused. So I did what I said in previous posts of leaving him alone… but why is he contacting me? And that too about his family? And then begin apologizing…?</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>As much as I want to ignore it and let it go, it’s hard because I’m trying to move forward and let go of this confusion, but at the same time, I feel like my progress diminishes whenever he texts me. I feel like I have a roller coaster of emotions and it just makes me all confused.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He told his friend he wanted to focus on work and school and be alone right now.. but why is he messaging me?</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>What do you think?</span></p>May 25, 2020 at 10:02 pm #356876
Hi Anita. here with an update.
I was talking to a friend of his (who became my friend — i mentioned her before in a post) and she told me that my ex told her the reason why he ended things with me was because he wanted to focus on work and school. And that he did see a future with me but he just wanted to be alone right now.
However he told me he wanted to be better for me and to fix himself. And school ended. and if anything i never distracted him, i always helped him with it.
I wonder why he wasn’t straight up and honest with me. I feel like he’s giving me false hope.. but I’m not sure. What do you think
May 21, 2020 at 11:46 am #356292
- This reply was modified 6 months ago by gamer.
I agree with you and understand what you are saying. I hope he feels much better this time and heals and is less confused now that I am not in the picture. I never meant to get in between him or his life and I mentioned this to him several times. I apologized for my actions and took the blame — because it was really my fault. I can get angry and demand a lot and my confused/hurt/sadness is all masked through anger which turns into animosity.
After you mentioned that to me in a previous post, I have come to a realization that I give a lot of hostility towards people I am close too.. I am trying to figure out how I can solve that and gain inner peace and happiness but that will take some time.
I was mainly showing you his responses just so you can help me articulate what he is feeling. I didn’t share all of my responses because I thought it wasn’t important. So yes I will leave him alone, yesterday was complete no contact and I will move forward with that. If anything changes, I will update you.
Thank you for reading all my posts and helping me understand his side… I knew I had a problem with understanding him but thanks to you, I have an idea and slowly starting to accept this situation. I really appreciate your thorough responses. Thank you again, I hope to give you a more detailed and happy update soonMay 21, 2020 at 10:35 am #356278
Thank you for your update.
1. He is way busier than I am. We both are students so I finished a week earlier than he had. He is done with school now too so until Fall time, we have a summer break. I do have a lot of time on my hand now that I can’t go out anywhere. My mother advises me not to because of the outbreak so I just sit at home and make use of my time. I either draw, call my friend, organize, cook with my mom etc. I lost my job because of the outbreak. I do have a good relationship with my parents — my mother more than my father. My brother and I are close as well. Before this outbreak, I would hang out with family often, see my cousins, friends as well as him so I didn’t only focus on him. During this outbreak since I do not go out anywhere, I sit in my backyard with my family and hang out with my family more.
2. He worries about his financial matters at home. His parents do not work but his mother has savings and assets that can pay the bills and run the household, she manages all of that. Money has been tight for them but he works and his sibling works as well. He isn’t the type of guy to be attracted by money at all — I am currently jobless and money is tight for my family right now since only one person is working in my house post covid. Sex on the other hand, we both agreed to wait till marriage and since the end of Feb, we haven’t done anything (no kissing, no touching etc). We both have a love language of quality time and we both love to connect and build that bond. So before we did anything physical, we became friends to best friends and then we moved to the next step. The only family member that knows we are dating is my brother. My parents do not know because they are strict and don’t allow me to date. The same reason for his parents as well. He did come to a family party and was introduced as my brother’s friend and my parents loved him. He bonded with my father very well and opened up. So there was no discussion related to us at all.
3/4. I do have anger but it’s mixed with other feelings like hurt and confusion. Remember when I had mentioned he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me and then after a shower, he changed his mind? Wouldn’t you be confused and hurt? He kept changing his mind which made me hurt and confused and led me to doubt everything he said prior and if he actually meant it. I understand that I need to resolve this anger somehow, but I feel that the only way it can be resolved is if I hear it from him. Why he was confused… what changed his mind… what is actually going on in his head.. what he’s thinking… etc. I cannot ask these questions now since the breakup is fresh but these are some things I need clarification too. Would it be a good idea to ask for a clear and coherent response after some time of space?
5. Yes he doesn’t have any of those motivations towards me (financial, sex). He has been like this (anxious, emotionally unwell) way before we even met. His friend said he’s been like this all of high school. There is definitely reasons and factors as to why he is like this because his brother is the opposite… the factor is his family. And like you said, if he continues to live there, he cannot begin healing.
6. I understand what you are saying. I’m not trying to ignore my own faults and blame him only. I know where I went wrong in this too, I am also to blame. There are 2 people in this so it’s not only one person’s fault and I made that clear to him. I feel as if I’m trying to piece things together to make sense of what has happened in the past 18 days, and in doing so, I am driving myself crazy. He had asked for space for a reason and I will give it to him but in this time, I am also looking at ways I can control my emotions and reactions. I believe there is always room for improvement and I take accountability for my actions and am trying my best to resolve them. I looked up the no contact period and it lasts for a month so I will see in a month from now what is going on with him and us.
May 20, 2020 at 9:16 pm #356214
- This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by gamer.
I believe that as well. I’ve been having a hard time wrapping my head around this though.
What you said about no contact, I thought he would reach out and talk to me. I didn’t expect text messages frequently and phone calls but just to check in… but he didn’t. He was posting on social media but never responded back or messaged me after last night’s conversation. So even though I would love to talk to him, I think it’s best if I continue this no contact method for awhile and see where it goes.
However, I’m not sure if I’m overthinking but this is where my mind is at right now. Things are not adding up to me. Some days he tells me he loves me and wants to marry me etc. Some days he tells me how lucky he is and how beautiful I am. I can’t help but think if what he said was even true. He said he didn’t want this to affect us… but isn’t that contradicting? Because the same problems he didn’t want to affect us, has affected us — which resulted in us not being together anymore. Am I wrong for thinking this? I feel that this is just the hurt me that is saying all of this.
I also feel like I am hanging by a thread… trying to be hopeful that we will end up together after this temporary break. He’s told me several times how he had these “problems” and needed to fix them when we were together. I know he’s trying to fix himself and I would without a doubt wait for him… but am I getting my hopes up? Is there such thing as waiting too long? When is it time for me to move on? 1 month? 2 months? or more? I’m not sure anymore. What do you think?May 20, 2020 at 1:20 am #356086
Hello. I’m here with another update.
I happened to text him a few hours ago because he had accidentally mentioned the break up to my brother… My brother is very protective and I didn’t want anyone to know about this breakup (as of right now) since it was fresh and personal — but that was handled. Here’s how the rest of the conversation went and this time, it was through text:
He kept saying sorry, for all the wrong things he’s done, all the mistakes he made and everything he has done to hurt me. He said he realized how draining and toxic he can be when it comes to his life and taking it out on me, affecting me, and bringing me down with him. He stated how he wanted to fix all his problems, and that even though he is distracted with busy work (his business), when he is alone he tends to go off as usual (self blaming). He said he wants to be better for me and it wouldn’t help us if he were fixing himself, while being with me. He stated how he is messed up in the head and he needs to sort that out and that day by day, he will work on it.
It hurt me when I read all these messages. I was mindful with what I was responding so I reassured him on how he isn’t alone and that if he ever wanted to talk to me, he could. He kept telling me “You don’t deserve any of this, you deserve better” and he says this is unfair to me and I shouldn’t have to fight for this.
After tonight’s conversation, it seems to me he really is trying to better himself. A little background information that might help you understand is that he’s been like this for years. Before I dated him, we were friends for about 2.5 months and we shared a lot of things and bonded with a lot (similar family dynamic, values, morals, goals etc). I also met his really good friend (who I also became close with — she’s great!) and she had mentioned to me a while ago that he’s been like this for years now. Where he gets into these moods and it can be really draining for other people. She had mentioned this to me when me and him first started dating. I do remember that when I was with him in our relationship, he did tend to overthink a lot and be anxious and I know it roots from his household and his mind constantly wanders into this dark place.
I ended the conversation with reassuring him that everything is okay and will be okay. I apologized to him as well and appreciated everything he was saying. I told him that it does suck that it has to be like this and for that I am truly sorry but hopefully things will work out. I told him to pray to lessen his worries and anxiety and hope for things to become better. He responded with saying he was sorry for everything and that he hopes he can make it up one day and I responded with a joke (to lighten a mood) and he hearted the text message and that was the end of the conversation.
I’m not sure exactly on how to approach this no contact rule. I do want to be there for him and check up on him every so often but at the same time I just want to let him be and be able to do these things on his own (since he did request some time and space). I have and always will support him, love him and motivate him and am always there if he needs help to better himself but he needs to be able to do that on his own, without me. After reading this, what are your thoughts?
May 19, 2020 at 12:19 pm #355988
- This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by gamer.
I messaged him two nights ago saying “If you change ur mind and want to sort things out, then give me a call” hoping that was the end. I wasn’t expecting a response back. He responds “You can give me a call anytime”
He was just being respectful about it and responding back. He always does. So I don’t want to message him again about this no contact. This is the end of the conversation. I am respecting his space and he is respecting mine, so I don’t believe it’s necessary to message him you know… cause then I’ll become more sad if he responds and what he’ll say.May 19, 2020 at 11:13 am #355972
Hello. I didn’t end up messaging him after that. I decided it was best to not drag it out longer than it needed to be and give him space as he requested it. If I kept messaging, he would respond and it wouldn’t be right, as I would be seen as too available and needy. I didn’t want to be a bother to him so I decided this was the best choice, to do no contact. I didn’t ask him if he wanted to, for how long etc. I decided it was best to let go of the conversation there and try to move forward by healing.
You are right. I am argumentative, wanting things, impulsive and impatient as well. I look for my own needs before anyone else. During this break I can figure out how I can manage those qualities. As you said, whether it’s with him or with anyone, I can’t build a relationship unless I improve these qualities.
Yesterday we went all day without no contact. I posted on my SnapChat story late last night and he was the first to view them, a minute after I posted. He even swiped up on the story and put laughing emojis. I didn’t respond.
I was very sad yesterday and I am this morning too, but here’s the thing I remembered when I was doing chores in the house late last night:
-On May 5th, he asked me about a school question and triple texted me. I was asleep, responded when I woke up. He called me immediately. He even told me I looked so beautiful and that he couldn’t believe I was his. He said after this outbreak is over, he can’t wait to see me.
-On May 10, he told me he would work things out with me and have our communication at 10 and call me everyday and we’ll work things out. He wanted us to have an amazing summer, use this summer to work together to improve ourselves with each other, and he wanted to start the day by hearing my voice.
-Almost a week ago, I had gotten my period and was having horrible cramps. He asked me if he could drop off flowers and ice cream… I declined politely because there was a family issue I had to deal with at home during that time. He understood.
-4/5 days ago, he went out late at night to get some food. He texted me “I wish u were here in the car with me.” (Because we always went for long drives and accompanied each other when we had the chance to hang out)
So while I am giving his space, I come to think of these things he had mentioned to me earlier this month. So he might be patient and honest to you, but I do not believe so because he is all over the place. Telling me we will make things work and then being stuck in the middle again.
However, I do not blame him because fighting can be draining and his mental health is at stake. His mind is all over the place and I have to be mindful of that. It doesn’t help that he’s constantly overworking himself and being tired because of this new business. And when he does that, he can’t think properly which makes him more confused. I hope that makes sense.
This is how I see it though: It’s a lot of confusion which is why I decided to not mention anything to him and just let him be. He asked for space and time, so I will respectfully give it even though I may not agree with it, it’s what he needs and tbh what I need so that way I don’t make the same mistakes as I did previously.
If he wants to contact me because he misses me or wants to talk, or whatever the reason is, he may. He has my number and all my social profiles.
As hurt as I am, I’m very confused. As much as I would like to be with this man, it hurts to me that in a few days he’ll probably change his mind. I’m not sure. But I’ll leave it at that for now. I’m just going to take this time for myself and improve qualities that I know aren’t healthy, so that way it can benefit me and the people I surround myself with later on.
- This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by gamer.