Forum Replies Created
February 28, 2020 at 12:07 pm #340530
Thank you for your message – apologies for the delay, I only check in with this site now and again. Reading this, it sounds like you are opening up and being more self aware in a positive way, which is fantastic.
Anything sexual related is always going to be hard to talk about for anyone I think – exposed to trauma or not. We will all question if we are weird because generally people keep sexual things behind closed doors and it’s not spoken about. So how can we know if we are ‘normal’? On my journey I have started to realise sooo many things are actually really normal – they made an award winning film trilogy 50 shades of grey which includes things like what you’ve spoken about. How can that not be normal then? The fact that you have gone through what you have and you can still open up is a real achievement and you should be proud of that.
I have just watched a series on netflix called ‘Sex Education’ and while it may seem just for the young generation, it sends very powerful messages about how sex often has the stigma to be wrong/’dirty’,when actually it is in our human nature. It is as normal as it gets. It really resonated with me and maybe it can help you (or anyone else reading this).
All the best,
VickyJanuary 6, 2020 at 10:22 am #331623
Thank you for sharing your story that is incredibly brave of you! And apologies it took a while to reply.
Your story is incredibly sad, I am so sorry you have been through all of that. You say you have moved to an apartment and are now divorced from Chrissy – this sounds like the best thing that could have happened if she was abusive to you. And if she did not support you when you told her your story and what you were going through.
It sounds like you have done the best that you could with everything – moving away from Chrissy, accepting help from your priest, offering to go to couples therapy, seeing your own therapist and opening up to your sisters and parents. You should give yourself credit for that!! 🙂 have you tried talking to anyone else about everything that happened to you? Or have you thought about speaking to a group rather than 1:1? Perhaps this may give you a bigger circle of support if you didn’t want to tell friends?
It sounds like you and your two sisters had horrific experiences and I can understand why they wouldn’t want to open up old wounds again, especially if they’ve moved on. I can also understand why you want them to open up as you’ve only recently realised and been told about what happened when you were a child. In time they may feel differently. If you feel you absolutely want some kind of answers from your sisters or to share your feelings with them, then perhaps write them a letter? It might take time for them to respond, if they decide to, but perhaps this would give you closure knowing you have done your best to find answers. I don’t know what would be the right thing for you to do there, it is a difficult one. All three of you are victims and all three of you are different people with likely different coping mechanisms, so there is no right answer. If they really don’t want to talk about it then just make sure they know you are there for them and support them, however they decide to respond to you.
‘in a way, I guess I am blessed to have no recollection of these events.. but in another way, I could not make sense of my reactions to triggers over the years…’. It is very strange when we don’t understand ourselves or why our mind works in certain ways. Naturally we want to understand exactly why our minds work in these ways. I have realised that we cannot always know and while this is frustrating, the best way to be at peace with our minds is to accept them. ‘Mindfulness’ really helped me with this part. It took me 2-3 years to really have let the process sink in, to let your mind just be and to let intrusive/nagging/negative thoughts flow through your mind, accept them by just acknowledging their presence and letting them float by like a cloud in the sky. Don’t try to dissect them or understand them. Just let them come and go. The more you do it the easier it gets.
I think when we go through trauma we wish it didn’t happen to us or that we could just forget every single thing and 100% move on, but unfortunately this is a fantasy. That trauma exposes us to the evil in the world, but it does not mean we are bad because a bad thing happened to us. In time you will get stronger, more resilient and you can use your experiences to help others (which is why I started this thread and you will also help people by sharing your story!). You’ll realise your triggers (sounds like you have done this) and you’ll find positive ways to help yourself when these pop up.
My last bit of advice would be to keep going to your therapist for support, focus on the things in life that make you happy and give yourself time to feel sad sometimes. Time is the best medicine it really is and your sad days will get further and further apart.
I hope something in my reply can help you somehow.
All the best,
VickyNovember 27, 2019 at 12:24 am #324773
I’ve just remembered as well that around the age it was happening my mum didn’t like the way my uncle was around me, she said it was something about him wasn’t right. So my mum and dad kept him away from me.
So to me now it does seem more likely it was him but I can’t know 100% which is frustrating.
thanks again for your helpful replies!
vNovember 26, 2019 at 1:05 pm #324681
Oh right 🙂 well thank you for taking the time to read my story! It’s so nice you’re helping people.
And no my parents had no idea, they were devastated to find out. They did everything they could to give me and my brother a happy childhood. Everyone always said we were such well behaved nice kids, so I guess nothing gave me away.
I do remember wetting the bed from being 7 up until around 11/12. I have read that this can be a sign of hidden distress or something like that. I did feel angry at one point that my parents didn’t notice, but immediately felt awful for thinking that. But I think it’s a normal part of the healing process to be honest.
I am really open now with my parents and talk to them all the time about how I’m doing. When I think about their point of view I guess for parents they would never ever think that something would happen like this to their children.
My mum and dad had no idea what was happening and from things I remember I was good at shoving all of my memories into a box.
I sometimes think if I have kids one day that I don’t think I could ever let them have a babysitter. It does worry me that maybe because this happened to me I wouldn’t make a good mum. I’d be over protective or something and also I wouldn’t want to be thinking about what I went through around my own children.
It’s hard to be certain of these things but I don’t want anything to hold me back anymore than it has. I’m determined to try and have faith that it will all work out.
Thanks again for reading.
All the best, VNovember 26, 2019 at 10:09 am #324621
Thank you so much for your kind reply, it really means a lot.
“I used to think: from this moment on, from this day on, I am starting my life again, from the beginning”. I really like this idea. I grew up feeling like I was apart from everyone else – like a crumpled up dirty piece of paper, instead of a white flat clean piece of paper. This sounds so stupid but I used to visualise this. It is really hard to know if you are ‘normal’ or like everyone else, when all you know is.. all you know. Especially when you’re young – you don’t know much anyway because you’ve got no real life experience.
I fell so deep into self-hatred and depression because of what happened to me, but mostly because of the things I had done. Who I am now is completely different, obviously, to who I was at 7 years old. But coming to realise this took a long time (it’s hard to remember your brain/mind when you were a different age). One day I was at a rare family gathering on my mum’s side and there was a young boy, 7 and his sister, 11 who wanted to play. It struck me to my core when I realised how truly innocent and young I must have been at 7 and even at 11 years old. And my mind changed that I should not be disgusted at myself, I was just a child. My focus changed to: how on earth could that person, whoever it was, have done what he did to me. There are no words to fully describe what kind of a person he is.
I wish I could make him see how much he affected my whole life. Ruined things which should have been normal human experiences and part of normal puberty. It makes me so sad when you hear the statistics of how many children are affected by this kind of abuse – and that’s only the ones that are known about. Something which gives me some satisfaction when I start to feel angry about what he did is that he will have to live with that for the rest of his life. Where as I can move on with my life and live a happy fulfilled one.
“Thank you for sharing your story. It has been quite slow here recently but I hope other members will read your post and please feel free to add to it anytime.” Thank you again for your kind reply. I have seen you reply to other threads on here – are you the website owner? – and you always seem to have fantastic advice and kind words, thank you for that. What a lovely thing to do.
All the best to you anita,
VNovember 25, 2019 at 9:57 am #324397
This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.
I only just registered to Tiny Buddha for reasons different to your own but I saw your post and wanted to reply. I just wanted to say you are so brave to make this post, good for you. That in itself shows you’re a fighter, to make yourself vulnerable by sharing your story 🙂
I am so sorry to read about your situation, I cannot imagine what you are going through. I can relate though to you feeling like other people have it all figured out and that you’re the only one who doesn’t. This simply isn’t true – in my experience the more I have told friends/family about this, it seems that everyone feels like they’re winging it. When you’re young there is enormous pressure to decide what you should do after uni etc. I’m 26 and I’ve changed my mind about what to do with my career about 10 times so far. I recently changed to a totally different career path to work with animals – nothing to do with my degree. I stopped comparing myself to friends and thinking I need to earn as much money as possible to feel fulfilled and meet my peers expectations and thought, well hang on, what would make me HAPPY instead? What small step can I take to get me to a happier place? It might take you a little while to figure out what makes you happy, but you will get there.
The point about worrying about your grades – don’t. It sounds like you are doing your absolute best under the circumstances and you cannot possibly do more than that. You can always go back to study a course you know you’re interested in further down the line. It sounds like right now your physical and mental health should be your priority – focus on ways you could help improve this one day at a time (sounds like you’re already doing that so just keep at it).
Also I very much doubt you are letting your family down bless you. I am sure your family want the best for you and to support you. You don’t have to ‘be happy’ for your family – that’s the thing about mental health, you feel how you feel and that’s all you can do. All you can do is accept that some days you’ll feel down and others maybe a little bit better. Don’t force anything, just be. Anyone else in your situation would feel everything you’re feeling. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
Sorry for the essay, I might be talking a load of rubbish, but hoping it might help a little.
You are brave and you are strong! Just take it one day at a time. Try talking to others in a similar situation.
Best of luck to you, V