Truthfully speaking, even I don’t know. Any human being would be terribly hurt by someone they love so much saying such things, that too countless times. All she said regarding this is, “he hurt me with all the bad words he used, but I’ll always pray for him and wish good for him”. After that whatever I heard she said has been regarding her shock about my changed feelings for her, not the fight we had. Of course she’s too sweet to tell others about what I did. Maybe it’s this suspense and the fact that she’s said so little and kept her true pain and magnitude of that pain quietly within herself, which makes it even more painful to me.

I had never really thought of it this way. That the pain I’m imagining her to be feeling, is the pain I’m feeling myself due to guilt and depression. That’s something quite profound you mentioned. But I don’t know if it’s strength or cowardice that I’m still here. Not too long ago I was Googling “painless methods of suicide” and what not hoping to just put an end to all this. But obviously I can’t. Because thankfully my dear family never even gave me pocket money in my life, so even if I have to buy a peanut, I need to ask them first. I can hardly walk up to them asking money to get poison (and ask dad to drive me there). Maybe because there still is a tiny shoot of hope in my heart that everything will be alright, that I’m holding on somehow.

These feelings of jealousy and insecurity I mentioned in my previous post, which I had felt were gone, also have me worried a lot. I’ve never been jealous of anybody in my life (unless you count those Einsteins in school I always got compared to during report card time… but that’s different), I don’t understand why I began to feel this way about her and her brother. Especially because this same inner voice which is now rebuking me for hurting her, had egged me on to behave abusively and caused all the chaos.