Dear JVR:

I just read the post you referred me to. I didn’t understand everything in it, but you did write that you were confused and not thinking straight. Of what I did understand, you asked: “won’t I alienate people, If I say no to them and they wont feel happy about it? I’m afraid that my list will grow shorter and I may loose genuine people? or am I still confused…”

This is my answer: in your (being submissive) efforts to not alienate other people, you keep alienating yourself.

The reason you are confused is because your authentic, assertive self is hiding in fear, and another part of you is trying to manage your life without the authentic part. It can’t be done satisfactorily, not for anyone. The results are confusion and distress.

No matter if and how many people you get “on your side”, if you don’t have YOU, you have nothing that matters.

You feel safe having your father around, having others, but you are not familiar with the kind of safety that will bring you well being. It is not that slippery safety in another person’s company. I am talking about the safety in your own strength, your own courage, your own confidence in yourself to be able to take good care of you.

The latter is the kind of safety you need to develop so that the authentic part of you will come out of its hiding.

You didn’t write much about that 1.5 year relationship, hardly anything at all from what I can tell…?

anita