Thank you! I guess I struggle a lot with self love. Even if I get the positive thoughts in my head they are quickly turned around into a negative. It could be as simple as a stranger staring and me and I automatically start to freak out. At times I feel like I don’t even exist. For example, whenever I’m at a store and someone Is handing out samples, I am Always ignored, every single time! I feel like as I got older I grew out of my awkwardness and felt reasonably attractive. I would receive attention from men but whenever I fell for them or decided to get intimate they usually disappeared. I know relationships aren’t just about looks and I was probably a little desperate but I couldn’t help but blame it on my looks. This only led me to be more wild. I had almost all my friends turn their back on me and it’s also hard not to blame myself. Sure some thought I was a little strange but I was always up for having fun and always there for my friends. Sure enough, every year at school I would find out friends were trashing me behind my back, or just straight up told me our friendship was over. Even my friends from my hometown stopped responding to my calls and messages. It still bothers me to this day. One in particular I lived with sophomore yr in college and knew from high school. She decided to tell me I had to move out within a couple months because I was not trying to be part of the roommate family.
After graduation, she said she had more important real world obligations and didn’t have time for me. She has tried to come back and message me but it hurts too much to respond. My other close friend from the past couple years I mentioned upthread. She would demand I pick up her kids, buy her groceries, and got mad at me when I moved in with my new boyfriend and cut me off. Back to during college i was in a sorority and had most of them dump me because my abusive ex was a fraternity president and they wanted to be on their good side. I have a couple friends who have been long term that have told me they admire me and parts of my life so I used to attribute the way I was treated to jealousy, but I literally would not be able to believe that so many people would be jealous when I am really pretty average! I would like to be able to reach out to people now and not blame myself if they do not deliver as a friend. And do the same in my romantic life.

Love Gigi

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Gigi.