Dear Anita,

Thank you for your hypothesis, and it is a view that I took on when I first came across the idea that I may be autistic. I do understand what you are saying, that I could have developed autistic like traits in regards to not having experience with connecting to others, and I assume that it cannot be disproven since I wasn’t diagnosed at an early age. But, I do remember having difficulties as a child with being touched or touching others ( Hugs, hand holding etc.), sensory processing disorder, GI disorder, my extreme sensitivity, poor communication etc. Communicating in person and communicating through writing is quiet different. There there are general guidelines that people follow in their speech and body language when they talk to one another, based on my experiences as a child, it was almost like everyone had a toolbox of communication “guidelines” that they just automatically knew how to use. For me, I had to pretty much watch people and guess these guidelines based on what I observed and create my own tools. I believe this is why I couldn’t form connections with others. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know how to react to show people my thoughts or my emotions. Because I didn’t know how to communicate properly, people were confused by my actions and stayed away or bullied me.

So, I do think that this autism is very much something that I have lived with my whole life. Perhaps it is genetic, or developmental, I do not know and it doesn’t matter because it isn’t something that can just go away. I can try all I can to mask the symptoms, so no one knows, but I will always have this internally. That being said, I do believe that I am not meant to form relationships or friendships, since I was young I always had this nagging feeling like I was trying to force friendships when I was not meant to. To be honest, most of the time I liked being alone, I had trouble wanting to be around other people, partly because I felt they didn’t understand me but also just because I just needed alone time. It is almost a gift because while many people have a fear of being alone I am so very comfortable with it. And my way I am trying to find is fully embracing my ability to be alone, and just stop looking toward others for happiness and comfort. If I were to have my full true way I honestly think I would be a hermit in the woods not speaking to anyone, because when I am alone in a forest I am myself. That isn’t realistic and I do want to make a difference in the world and that can’t be done in isolation, but I can detach from a common concept that I will be happy when I find friends or my “soul mate” or finding someone to understand. I can be content with nothing.

I hope this makes sense, it can be hard to exactly explain what has been in my head lately,

Laure