Hi Anita. My first two exams this week went fairly well, the second one better than I expected. Though I still have a long way to go regarding my syllabus. Also, it’s confirmed that this year is my final chance to qualify the main exam on May 17, as they’re changing eligibility rules next year. It’s now or never. I’m doing my best to focus on preparing for it.

I had messaged Jerry regarding my efforts to change myself a couple of days back, and she sent me a message via her sister saying she doesn’t want to continue our bond anymore because it’s not brotherly now. The convo went something like this (she was only messaging via her sister telling me “she asked me to tell you that…)–

Me – If only a brotherly bond is acceptable to you, it’s totally fine by me. Please try to understand I never meant anything wrong. My feelings aren’t under my control after all. Love of any kind is love. I always respect and care for you.
She – It’s easier said than done. Those feelings can come back anytime. You cannot claim to truly love me because you know nothing about me other than whatever little I told you. Your love is nothing but infatuation just like you were smitten with our favourite actress in the early days. You may think it’s easy to keep changing relationships like this, but I don’t.
Me – I don’t feel any two people in the world know 100% about each other. I do know enough about you to be sure that my love is not a whim. But that’s not relevant. Please try to understand. Did you really not miss our sweet talks and old days this month we’ve not talked?
She – I don’t want to listen to all this all over again. I only wanted to convey the message that I don’t want to continue the bond. Stop this lecturing.
Me – I won’t lecture. But I’m only requesting you not to break this beautiful bond we’ve had for three years, just due to this. If you only can accept a bro-sis bond, I’m ready. Dealing with my feelings is my responsibility. We both know how precious our bond is for us. Please think over it.

After this, I have a feeling she herself chatted a little with me about my studies. I may be wrong, but the writing style seemed more like hers than her sister’s. I feel I tried my best to be gentle and kind, though I felt bad that my feelings are being considered like some horrible and inhuman sin and she’s acting as though we had nothing but very formal talks these three years. I know it’s just immaturity on her part and I’ve even given my assurance to somehow overcome my feelings and keep our bond the way she wants.

I guess the fight we had isn’t relevant anymore, so I’m putting it back though I’ll of course keep up my progress to change myself. But honestly, did I commit such a terrible sin by loving her? Something so bad to break our bond of three years in this manner? 🙁 I did my best to try to convince her not to do it. If there’s anything more I can do, I am willing to do that too. I don’t know what else I can do. I just pray she sees the truth and tries to understand my situation.