Dear anita,

You are one of the few people I have ever met who understands where I’m coming from, I am so glad I took the time to post in your thread. I am happy for all those who don’t comprehend this pain, but I get angry with people who use their good fortune to try to deny my reality.

If I consider the consequences of the abuse, I definitely see patterns of negative behaviour that I have repeated throughout my life. I m better at spotting them now, but they still seem like a very uncomfortable ‘comfort zone’ that I return to over and over. As you say, core beliefs are hard to change.

A major issue for me is that I find it almost impossible to ask people for help. I quite see how this came about when my main source of help as a child was unpredictable and physically and emotionally abusive and would arbitrarily elect to not help when I needed it. I also am terrified of offending anyone in authority over me – for obvious reasons. If my boss asks to see me, for example, I will think of every tiny thing I might have done wrong and possibly even have to go and be physically sick before I can go into his office. I more often than not end up getting praised for a job well done, but I never expect that to happen. I can now stand aside and observe these frightening feelings without being swept away by them, recognising them for what they are. I can’t yet stop them coming though. Time and patience, time and patience.

Since my mother died it has become clear to me that, despite our lack of contact, I harboured a deep desire for everything to magically turn out all right one day. When they nailed down her coffin lid, all those hopes were finally, and permanently, dashed. (They were vain hopes anyway; my brother tells me she was in denial to the end, insisting that we had normal childhoods.)

Writing this down is very helpful as I begin to see that this new surge of rage and pain is not the backwards step I feared and is actually quite healthy. Hopefully my grieving for the mother I never had and the childhood that was stolen will now be able to complete properly and I can finally move on.

Please do share your thoughts and experience, I am finding this discussion really helpful and I hope you do too.