Dear JVR:

I think you answer question 1 very well. You made things clear to me. You didn’t answer question 2 directly, but the answer to #2 is in your post above, and the reason, I believe, that you are confused.

I believe that you are confused by the mixture of love and abuse.

You always needed love in your life but the love from your parents was conditional. Only if you followed your father’s orders, and (according to your latest post)- only if you do things your mother’s way, not your own way.

In other words, your experience from childhood is that you can get love IF you hurt yourself.

Is conditional love of this kind, saying (without words) something like: “I will love you and stay with you IF you let me hurt you and make you mentally sick.i will love you if you take my abuse.” – is that really love?

How would you know if this is the only “love” you experienced?

What if there was a love in your life of a different kind: “I will love you and stay with you AND I want you to be healthy. Your mental health is as important to me as my own mental health. Let’s make the relationship between us good for both of us, all the time. Let’s have an equal power in it, no threats but respectful conversations instead.”

I hope you do experience the second kind of love, real love.

anita