Yes I read your second post – sorry we do keep reading and posting at the sane time but I have read your second and third post.

I do feel I have no control, but I know I have control. I believe both at once. It felt automatic and I know u need to address some deep seated beliefs. In the past, when I have felt rage, I have frozen myself and worked through them, not acted on them. So I have less control.

I did not look him in the eyes, I couldn’t. So there must have been a part of me that knew the pain I was creating.