Dear idonno:

I definitely vote for #2 with this adjustment: “Do nothing. avoid interactions with her, except as necessary to ensure a safe and loving environment for our daughter.” . A definite no vote for #1.

There is one definite reality: your wife’s feelings do not allow her to experience emotional and physical closeness with you. It is not different than this example: think about a food that you definitely dislike, that the thought of eating it makes you not hungry even when you started hungry. There is a connection between neurons in your brain between that food and feelings of losing your appetite. It is an automatic connection. You don’t choose it. It happened in the past following an experience with that food and it stayed in your brain.

In a similar way, your wife has a connection in her brain between you and anger; between you and losing her appetite for intimacy. This connection was formed in the past and now it is out of her control. She can’t help but feel this way.

Just as there is no point in you trying to like the food you hate, there is no point in making date nights. It will not change the way she feels about you. This is the reason #1 will not work. It will be like shoving the food you dislike in your own face again and again expecting you will like it. The more of #1 you do, the more she will dislike you.

Her feelings for you, that automatic connection in her brain, may change but not as a result of efforts in #1. It will change only if she has new experiences with others and with you. These new experiences can happen if you choose (adjusted) #2.

What do you think?

anita