Hi Anita. A week ago, I talked to Jerry’s sister with whom I normally was on very good terms with. I did it despite you and my friends advising not to do anything… once again I let my feelings overrule my judgement. Here’s some highlights of what she had to say –

“Jerry and I did not expect this from you, did not expect you to transform from a humble and caring brother to this. In fact she felt you truly cared for as your sister.”
“Yes, you did bad. It’s a horrible thing to call someone your sister and then trying to change relations. No good person would ever dream of doing this. It’s wrong, unethical and you stabbed her in the back. You betrayed her trust.”
“I think all the girls who call you their brother need to be wary, because anytime you can change your feelings and start lusting after them. Our favourite actress whom you now call your elder sister, we noticed your comments about her in the early days and feel you don’t love her but just have these lustful feelings and then tried to change relations and call her a sister, and now you’re lusting after Jerry in the same way.”
“To love someone, you need to know them very well. Jerry never told you anything personal that can justify you saying that you love her. She always told you very limited things and we made it clear that we can only be your Internet friends, no more. We were wrong to think relations can be made online; I now know the Internet is a dangerous place due to people like you who wear masks, trick innocent people and then stab them in the back. Our own brother is the best; he’ll never lust after her unlike you.”
“We’re not angry at you. We don’t hate you. Hating is different from just not wanting to have anything to do with you anymore. We’re doing what we feel is right. You have many girls who love you as their brother; hope you have a great life with them and please don’t stab them in the back the way you betrayed Jerry.”

Needless to say, her words pierced me badly and I’m unable to get them out of my head. Though I managed to do my third exam fairly well yesterday, but these words are on a loop in my head day and night. I did not respond angrily to her, I did my best to keep quiet and wish her well only. I don’t mind it because I feel I deserve this pain for misbehaving with my Jerry and taking her for granted. But still, after three years of a loving bond I cannot believe they are calling me a traitor and pervert now (she did not actually use the word lust, but it was easy enough to make out what she was hinting at). The comments about our favourite actress she’s referring to, so many people said something like that and they never minded me saying that before. Now suddenly, they’re looking at everything I ever did in this manner. Is even commenting about someone having a charming smile/eyes, a lustful thing??

She first says I cared for each other as brother and sister, and then says she never shared anything personal (an outright lie) which means we shared no bond at all… so why is it a sin if I loved her when apparently she only called me brother as a formality? Does loving her romantically mean I stopped caring for her, or lusted for her? It means I turned from a “humble and caring brother” into an evil internet monster who traps innocent girls online? All the girls I call my sisters… apparently I imagine them naked and fantasize about molesting them?? Nobody told them that a true bond can never be replaced by another? Everything I ever did to make her see that she’s special for me, means nothing and I just am a pervert who’s been after her?

I’m also delighted to see that not one person who’s claimed to care for me has come forward to help me in my time of need. A few people asked, felt bad hearing about my condition, uttered a sweet “hope all gets well” and went back to their usual delightful lives. Only 2-3 people are kind enough to let me vent out my pain and sorrow to them, and they too either send smileys or a “Hmmm” in reply and then forget about it. Only one person tried to ask her not to break relations with me. I’ve seen her going around posting online and about our show/actress without any regrets, everything normal… I guess soon she’ll forget there’s someone who truly does care for her, or will remember me only as a traitor and pervert. Enjoying life with her dear “own” brother, not caring that someone’s been crying locked up alone in a dark room from nearly 2 months thinking of her, feeling the vacuum her absence has left crushing his heart and soul, wishing for nothing but to breathe his last as soon as possible, letting her be in his last thoughts.

I’m sorry for this getting so long and depressing, but I have nowhere else to say anything. I’m in fact grateful for my exams now, because at least they give me something to do and distract myself. I dread the day my exams end and I’ll be jobless… this depression will surely consume me and wreck me. Its my birthday in two weeks and I know I’ll sit like a madman at 12:00 AM thinking she’ll send her sweet “it’s finally the day a very special person was born!” message as usual… and my phone will sit silent as a grave and some random relative will message me as a formality, or all those fair weather friends who suddenly will remember that I still exist (unfortunately). I’m thinking of cutting contact with everyone… after all, I’m an internet monster and a disease in the society.