Oh, sorry, it is only after posting that i see how long it is…

Anita, I also wanted to reply to your post about the medication and anxiety.
I have taken medication in the past as well, different things. Antidepressants, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotics. But I don’t want it anymore. The doctor was very nice, she told me she’s a psychotherapist as well but doesn’t work as it (i would have loved to have her actually), she told me honestly that she felt double about it, that it can hinder the work with the psychotherapy, but on the other hand if i need to get calm again it might help temporarily. I told her i don’t want medication, i just need some rest. I also said that she is the doctor and i have to listen to her, but i noticed that i was not afraid to tell her my opinion and that was already very nice, that i was taking myself seriously enough (i could also just take her prescription and not buy the pills, but i was honest to her). I think that i am strond and having insights enough now, that i should be able to do without medication. For me, it is mediTation instead. But, I need some time, time to rest and relax, and I need to find a good environment, that works for me. And the current job is not that environment. So I don’t see the point of hurting myself, putting myself in such an unkind place, and numbing it down with medication. I don’t want to critisize you Anita, or anyone else, I am very aware that some conditions, and some times, just need medication, but at the moment I don’t want it anymore. It is such a pity that our society is so focused on money and functioning, that there is not enough possibility to give people the space and time to heal in a more natural way.

Yes, it is normal that I am anxious. I have learned since I was a child that other people are so important, that they are the ones that matter, and that i don’t. Of course i have needs as well, but i ignore them and push them away. I have done it with work before, and with people, keep going, keep pushing myself to keep functioning, keep pretending and keep everybody happy, for way too long and until i totally fall apart, because that is what i have learned. Give the other people all importance and none to myself. Which is silly, because for example at work, nobody cares that I am sick and what state I am in, nobody is going to give it any thought, for them I am just a tool, and i am not left with the mess inside of myself, because i don’t want to cause them any trouble. Because I am always worrying about the others and never look at myself, and of course i have all these needs and feelings in me, because i am actually a human being as well, of course i get anxious. You can’t keep up, pushing all that away.
This huge anxiety and panic is actually good, because it is my body and maybe something bigger in me (whatever you’d like to call it), telling me: hey I am here too, pay attention to me, look after me, respect me, do what i need, because i actually also exist and i also breathe. You are not giving me any attention, so i am going to make you give me attention, by going into panic. It might be good that this is happening (which wouldn’t have happened if i had kept my previous job, where i was getting used to the people and doing everything on automatic pilot, and interacting in the same ways, stick to the familiar ways), now i have the opportunity to work on being positive towards myself and appreciating myself (i wanted to write, loving myself but that seems to be a few more steps away, that seems out of reach for now..) and to practise with better ways to do things. So that i can really become happy and not just pottering about. A crisis is a blessing.

I know that I have a lot of love in me, a lot of peace as well, and by playing so small and negative, i push all of that away. I also think, anxiety is there because i am not allowing that love to come out and to show. I keep pressing and hiding the beauty in me, and the anxiety is maybe the result of shutting all of that down. If i don’t show myself as i am, so also not the many good things in me, i become afraid. I’m not sure how to explain it better, that is something that i am thinking.