Well he was never physically abusive. He was paranoid, angry and controlling. Everyhting had to be done exactly the way he said it should be or he would get angry. For example if asked me to pass a bowl he would say “pass it from the left side”. If I went around the right instead he would see it as disobedience and get angry. There were multiple such episodes daily. if he got angry he would yell for hours and we would not be allowed to get up or move. If I had to go to the bathroom while he was talking he would get angry and would not let me go. I remember sitting in one place being yelled at everyday for 3-4 hours but I don’t remember the content, I would tune out. It could be something I did or something that went wrong around the house generally. We had to do whatever he wanted irrespective of what was going on in our lives. If he wanted to drive around the city for hours we would do that it did not matter if I had homework or tests. If I brought up school work he would threaten to take me out of school. Once I remember I had 104 fever and I had to go walking with him because he wanted exercise. We were not allowed to sleep at night. He would take my moms salary from her and being in financial control allowed him to be financially abusive as well. He would take our cell phones and house keys and we would not be allowed to talk to people without him being present. We weren’t allowed to cry or get angry.If we were quiet he would get angry too. He threatened to kill my mum once, I do not take that threat seriously now but I did when it was made because I was very young. He also would play tricks on her like mixing a large amount of tobacco or something in her food to make her sick. Those are the specifics I remember, I don’t remember everything.
The grand gestures were sort of like, if it looked like he was picking on me and I was having trouble dealing with it that day, she would do something to call attention to herself and he would turn his anger on her instead. I would do the same for her if it looked like she had had too much. We would also defend each other if he it looked like he was going to interfere negatively in one of our lives (making mum quit her job or taking me out of school). Even with smaller things we defended each other.
I think being in the same country doesn’t matter to mum, she just wants me to get married, she doesn’t particularly care to whom. When I realized this it felt like a huge betrayal. She was forced to stay in her marriage by her family and my fathers, and now I think she believes all of her sacrifices and suffering were for maintaining her marriage. I have always been very clear that I do not think marriage as the most important aspect of my life, and I think that makes her feel as if I’m negating her life choices (the choices she was forced into making ).This is an assumption, however, Ive no proof she feels this way.
With my dad, if I travel for work he will call 10 times a day. when I get back home he wont stop talking about how much he missed “his child”. Before I leave he goes on about how much he will miss me. He makes me feel guilty about being away from home. That is why I feel he does not me to get married to anyone, that would involve me leaving home. To be honest neither of my parents knew enough about the guy or his family to be “for” or “against” the match. They didn’t even know his name (I’m serious). ALl we knew was his city and his job.
To clarify about my dad, he suffers from bipolar disorder. He was very noncompliant with his treatment for a very long time. I had a nervous breakdown when I was 16 and he became compliant after that. He would still go through manic phases but they were a lot more manageable. for two years now he has become very old and frail and hasn’t had a manic phase.