Dear chau:

You are welcome. As you take your own journey, I am taking my own. I have a way to go still.

A child naturally takes the blame for a parent’s neglect or abuse because it is the “safer” alternative. The child’s thinking is something like: if it is my fault, then I can fix it. I have the power to fix it- I will be good, I will please, accommodate, help.. I will make myself worthy of protection and love, and in return the parent will protect me and treat me well and my situation will become safe and pleasant.

The alternative is to think something like this: It is not my fault. My parents are okay with me being unprotected, scared and miserable. They don’t care, so I am stuck in this dangerous, terrible situation.

What you wrote makes a lot of sense and I am impressed by your now correct thinking.

We do “dress” the present with the past: it made sense why you blamed yourself as a child- you had no other choice to live with less distress than to take the blame. It was not justified blame: you were not guilty. But taking the blame was the path of less distress.

In the present, keeping the pattern of taking the blame only increases distress because, like you suggested, you are not the physically small, weak, dependent child. You are an adult and the protection hoped for from the ex girlfriend was a delusion all along.

I appreciate your words of gratitude. And please do post anytime and I will reply.

anita