My father cared about be immensely. I felt like he was the only person who loved me unconditionally. I watched him slow wither away from cancer. I was the only one who was beside him when he breathed his last breath. When he passed my brother went home to his wife. My sister when home to her fiance. My mother went home to her house. I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep. I was left alone. Like always. I had no one and one one offered to stay.

The gasp my father let lose after passing was like a funeral bell that not only signified the end of his life by the end of my own joy. Finally I was truly alone. Attempts to reach out to my family failed repeatedly. When ignoring me was no longer enough they sent me away to be treated once again, because they could not be bothered to be there for me and show me empathy or compassion themselves. That’s how they deal with my pain. That’s always how they’ve dealt with my pain. Whatever desires I have or deficiencies in my life I want to resolves are irrelevant to them. To them, all of my problems are in my head and need to be “cured”. The problem isn’t that I’m alone it’s that I care that I’m alone or place too much value on companionship. The problem isn’t that my life lacks fulfillment but rather it’s that I FEEL unfulfilled and the salutation isn’t to find fulfillment but to cure myself of the notion that I need or deserve fulfillment. My problems are never real problems with real solutions to them because early in my life they earned with a word, with a call they can send me away and trivialize me suffering.

But not my father. He would listen to my concerns. He would give me advice and encourage me to never give up but would accept me even when I felt like I wanted to. He was always against the perpetual inpatient treatment I had forced upon me. Neither he nor my mother ever said so but I know it contributed to their divorce. When I would speak to my father about of my history of treatment it was not uncommon for the subject to somehow gravitate towards my parent’s divorce. He loved me very dearly and he accepted me. I no longer have that in my life.

I don’t expect my family to change. I don’t expect them to understand how I feel. I wash my hands clean of them. They are who they are and if they were capable of changing they would have done so by now. I accept that. All I ever needed in my life was a single person who loves me unconditionally. Who loves me for who I am and who sees the good in me. I want to make that happen. I need to. I need someone to love. I need that purpose. I took care of my father to his dying breath and he took care of me. I want to be loved again. I want to have a family. I don’t want to grow old and die alone.

I have a deep and real need to be loved and I want to know how to make someone else love me. I want to know how to make them see whatever value I have in side of me. I know SOMETHING of value must reside inside of me. But that spark isn’t good enough for anyone. My I’m not good enough for anyone. I want to be good enough to be loved by someone else. I want to be good enough for another human being to spend a portion of their life with me. Anyone can do it, and indeed I’ve seen this for myself. People keep saying I deserve love. Words are meaningless, especially when there is no evidence to support it. If I deserve love why can’t I be loved? Why can Billy Bob Beater keep finding someone to marry after his next divorce but I can’t find a single human being who will even give me a chance? If I truly deserve to be loved then why aren’t I? However you word it or twist the semantics of it I want to know: “How do I make someone to love me?” “How do I find someone who will fall in love with me?” WHATEVER pointless semantics I need to sue when phrasing my question where the end result is that another human being allows me to love them and loves me in kind. That’s all I care about.