I’ve worked on helping and healing myself for 25 years. Constant therapy. On meds and off meds and different meds. I’ve been alone nearly all of my life. Few friends, never a girlfriend, sent away wheb I was very young and in and out out of inpatient treatment for my entire childhood.

I feel alone. I feel rejected. I am both of those things. Having another human being who loves, who really deeply loves me is the only thing in life I want. The thought that maybe someday I will find someone is the one and only reason I haven’t decided to kill myself. Finding real love isn’t just the only reason I have to ne alive but it is also something I should bot have to give up on. Because if I have to give up on never being loved and I have to accept I’ll never be loved then everything I fear about myself is true. I truely am unwanted abd lovable. I truely am worthless. My species and their society truely does place zero value in me and view me or otherwise views my presence as that of an outside invader. Being alone is and being unlovable is proof that I am unworthy to be alive. It ia proof that society has rejected my existence and who I am. If I can’t expect to find love and I have to admit it is simply beyond my reach because I’m not good enough for it then I’m admitting defeat and I’m admitting I’m not welcomed to be part of my species and that they have rejected my existence.

I have not given up yet. I refuse to believe I am truely unlovable. But the second I determine I will suffer alone forever I will be sure to cancel my subscription to life because I will not force myself to suffer.