Dear anita,

I needed time to think – the relationship between me and my parents has been very positive. However, my depression issues are genetic to a huge extent – my mother too had episodes like this in her teens and early twenties before i was born. This has never reflected in her ability to fulfill her duties though – she has been a rock to say the least, very strong and calm. My father has seen a lot of hard days financially and is a self-made man – he always gave us the best facilities though, his time and sacrificed a lot of the things he wanted in life so that we could have better. So I really admire the courage and love my parents have. I wish I had more of this too.

I really thought hard these few days – and realized this is a result of depressive episodes in the past. Many poor mental habits too. Then i look at my boyfriend and think “I will be brave like him”. When i see my mother, i think “I will be strong and loving like her”. When i see my dad, I think “No i wont give up on life so easily”….

My life isnt that complicated actually but i am making it way more complicated in my head. Thats where i need to stop – I wrote down a long list of the many ways i failed in my eyes, of the mistakes i made, of the thoughts i have when i am afraid and i realized I am way too afraid of life and I need to calm down. This isnt about my parents or the past – its about plain anxiety on some occasions. Some fear, some panic and lack of confidence is inevitable but i cant stop myself from pushing towards the life i want.

Sometimes i feel glad for all the things that didnt go as planned – it brought me closer to many things and helped me grow. I wont be that afraid anymore though and will do my best to go on despite the doubts and fears i have.