Hi mmm7

I agree with Anita and that you cannot pretend to be a certain way. In my humble opinion what you are describing is the effects of the trauma on your inner man. Mentally you want to move on and perhaps physically you want to as well but the inner man or your spiritual self is having some trouble. I use the term inner man because this is what the Bible refers to as our spiritual self, the outer man is the physical body. Now if we can agree it is the inner man which directs our thoughts, our will and our emotions. Then I may have some suggestions to help you move on.

The first thing you have to do is love yourself. Whatever has happened has hurt you and you know it is ok to be hurt. Life is not easy and there is suffering. I choose to see suffering as an opportunity for enlightenment or said another way to create a stronger link with my creator. In my experience painful memories are not always present I have moments where it is really bad and moments where it is not on the forefront of my mind at all. In those times when the memories are causing me distress it is easy for me to become plagued with depression, anxiety or I just don’t feel good – kind of off balance, I use affirmations and meditation. Here is an example, I broke up with a verbally abusive boyfriend and I love him but his words hurt and as such I choose to leave. In my healing, I forgave him and myself. Him because his assault is a response to his emotions and me because I feel like a fool for wanting him and tolerating it. Initially, I would say things like “I forgive myself for ….” or “I forgive him for ….”. Eventually, I found peace in leaving the relationship but it does not mean I was over it. The words would still plague me, he would say things like “who is going to love a whore like you who has never been married with a child”. I realized my issue with these words a reflection of how I at times saw myself. You see I did believe I had made mistakes and that I was not worthy of love. I also realized he used these words to maintain power over me. While his problems are his own I wanted to move on from it so I began using affirmations to help me deal with my sexuality and this idea that I am not loveable. I would create affirmations like “though my mistakes be as scarlet I shall be washed white than snow” this removed the guilt. I would also do mirror work by saying my name then saying “I am loveable because God loves me as I am”. I use affirmations like mantras and I use beads to maintain repetition in order to create or cultivate compassion for my emotions. I found affirmations press the truth of who I am against my subconscious and allow me to remember all of the goodness of who I am. It reminds me how valuable and special I am. When I am done with my meditation I actually feel confident, loving, empathetic and happy. Thus I can attract real love and real happiness.

All of these things I do are tools to help me love myself and deal with the root cause of things which plague me. But here is the thing sometimes we cannot find the root cause on our own and if this is true for you then I would agree with Anita in you should consider therapy. Therapy can help you manage your emotions and find your root cause to which you can then begin to work on inner man.

As for moving on completely, I am not sure we ever do, but we do move on in a way that no longer causes hurt or distress. I tend to think about challenges I had as a kid which totally distressed me. For example, I recall being in a spelling bee and getting kicked out in the first round. At the time my ten-year-old self was rather traumatized. Today I still recall the incident but because I have grown from it there is no longer pain. The impression it left me with was the need to be prepared, as a result I can soundly say I did improve as a student and as a person. I can also recall going to speeches where the speaker talks about horrible events in their lives or things that they witnessed. In some cases these people become social change makers in others they offer a path for healing. Our experiences are part of us and if we let them I think they can make us better and stronger.

My last point is emotions can and do heal. However, the process is never in a straight line. Meaning sometimes we bring up the past through all kinds of things, memories of a word or a smell. The trick is not to allow it to haunt us but to fight back with whatever tools we so use to keep us connected to our highest self. Eventually the pain fades and the recollection of memories grow further and further apart until eventually the memory is just a memory. In the meantime love yourself, allow yourself to grieve and then remind yourself of who you are which is happy, healthy and full of peace.

I hope this helps and I wish you peace and happiness,

Ajna