I don’t really know. Had suggested something after hours then mentioned that I had forgotten she had a kid when I suggested it. I can’t recall anything else that I said, though maybe it has to do with timing and the papers not yet being filed. Who knows. Just one more relationship that looks to have tanked.

Maybe she picked up on the high level of stress right now, who knows. Can’t imagine why I’d seem a bit stressed, two significant trials this month book ending my birthday (wheee), appeals due early next month, a trip to Bismarck early next month, and a BS trip that is supposed to start today. Oh, and getting surprise projects tossed in too, that result in rearranging existing meetings for the significant trials, and requiring time to figure it what the project is.

My goal of getting out more and trying to get into a relationship by the end of August; bah. Looks like ending up another year of the same old stuff.

I admit that at this point, I am just kind of tired. I am supposed drive 400 miles to Fargo today, got kept up to after midnight, now can’t get to sleep. Like I said, things just going to hell this week. Rather fitting that this potential relationship should to.

I am really tempted to just pack up and move to somewhere, truly leave family behind, never ever deal with them again. Couldn’t even get packed in peace without crap, and what about this that, and the other thing. Didn’t even want to take the trip let alone be accompanied. I don’t have time for it, I don’t want to drive it, and if I had time for travel I’d sure not go there. But here I am, stuck with it for trying to appease people. The way this week is going, maybe my car will get flattened by a semi; would certainly take care of worrying about the the upcoming BS.

Really starting to think that maybe I am just not compatible with relationships. While I would love to find somebody, somebody to kiss goodnight every night and kiss good morning every morning, just not sure that it is viable. There is a deep longing, and, being a bioscience guy, I know that quite a bit of that is hardwired, but experience is saying something different. Did you become a mathematician if you are bad at math?

I wish I was better at putting down this internal conflict. I will say that my life has felt worse since being stupid enough to let family move in. Feeling all the crap I fled from. Can’t believe I was so stupid. I try to do the dutiful thing, again, and get screwed. I move 2600 miles to get away from the crap, and was stupid enough to bring it back. Just feels like things have been going wrong since then. Now, she has pretty much given up any pretext of moving. I asked folks I know in my line of work, and I pretty much got a negative reaction from them about trying to make her move out. Gah, I hate this bs. When I go to work, I don’t have any privacy in my things at home anymore. I come back and find things have been gone through, etc. I am even getting periodic calls at work about crap that doesn’t matter.

I really don’t want to have to, but I may have to pull out of my investments to find new living arrangements. I simply can’t do this. I can’t go to sleep. I wake up edgy and in pain. Despite knowing that I don’t like watching the news, she has now gotten to standing in my door and talking about all the crap that had been spewed forth in the news. I can’t even think straight at times.

Right now, massively on edge. Looking at spending a week doing something I don’t want to, knowing I have more important things to do.