Hi everyone! Thanks for your replies, I always feel better when I read them 🙂

It has been a tough month. Although I realized that my mom wasn’t the responsible adult I need her to be, to actually stop feeling guilty about it, is another story. It’s getting better, though.

I guess the fact that I see this clearly makes it easier to spot her actions. For example, I can see now when she puts her job before us, like when my sister had to go to her first appointment with the psychologist a few weeks ago, and I had to take her because my mom was working. That happened twice. Also, it’s interesting, to say the least, the fact that she stopped getting angry at my sister in the mornings. Every morning was like a battle field with my mom yelling because they were late. But now that my sister goes to school on her own and my mom goes to her work alone, the fights stopped. It turns out my mom was never worried of my sister going late to class, she was worried of what people would think of her if she comes late to work.

There are times when my mom is extremely tired, but if something related to work or to people she knows, comes up, she will immediately do something about it like working extra hours or offering help to other people even if they don’t ask for it. In the other hand, if it is something related to my sister, like going to talk about a teacher who’s being rude to her, my mom would postpone it because “she’s tired”. And don’t make me start when it comes to me, it’s like I’m invisible. She often says I don’t help her at all…

If we look at the bright side, these actions have helped me to emotionally detach more and more from her. I mean, my whole life, and until two months ago, I thought we were all in the same boat, rowing in the same direction and now I see I’m the only one doing the work. Guilt has almost gone.

We are facing new challenges now. In the last three weeks, my sister has fainted four times. She went to the doctor and we are waiting for the results of the tests. But I’m 99% sure her episodes are because of the extreme stress we have.

It turns out that adults around her are telling things that make her feel awful. Her homeroom teacher (someone she trusts) told her “you have to think that your mom is tired too, try to help her, just hang in there”. We are sick and tired of people (who would never move a finger to try to help us) saying “hang in there”. Also our grandma told her to “stop feeling sick (wtf?) because she was making my mom worried.” Apparently she thinks that because my father is no longer at home we should be instantly recovered. To top it all, we found out that our family (from our father’s side) thinks that we are ungrateful, spoiled, and that we took advantage of our “poor” father. Not surprising, but it still sucks. Seriously, where did all the responsible adults go?

As for me, I think I reached my limit, at least when it comes to studies. Months ago I decided to drop one subject, because I thought I could pass the other three. Then, I dropped two subjects… and now I can’t bring myself to study anything. I dread the thought of opening a book. I can’t concentrate, I can’t remember pieces of information I’m supposed to know. When I have to do work in class my mind goes blank, I can’t get anything done. And I know I have it bad when the mere possiblity of dropping a third subject lifts SO much weight from my shoulders that I feel I can breathe normally again for a little while.

I have talked to my friends about this, they all say “keep going, just keep trying” and as much as I love them, I’m getting sick of those answers too. Because, what do they mean by “keep going”? I know studies are important. I know that it will improve my chances to have a good job in the future. I know the fastest I finish studying, the fastest I’m getting out of here. But which one is more important NOW? Studies or my health?

I’m burnt out. I don’t want to study anymore until next semester (which starts three weeks from now). Why does “keep going” seems to only mean “keep studying”? I could “keep going” focusing on my health, right? I really think I need to focus on my health right now. Everyday my body hurts: my back, my neck, my legs, headaches, stomach ache. I wake up in the middle of the night several times. Sometimes I feel dizzy, sometimes, out of the blue, my heart rate goes up and down and I start to sweat… not to mention my mood swings.

What do you think? Should I keep studying or should I say no for now and start again next semester?

There are more things bugging my mind right now but I think this post is already long enough ^^’

I really would like to hear/read your point of view 🙂

I’m always grateful to people who takes time to read this <3