So – actually, I think you do know but you don’t want to admit it to yourself as it involves facing up to some of the other issues you’re avoiding dealing with.

You are clearly a smart guy but this thread can’t help but remind me of the famous Einstein quote “Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”….( hopefully not too badly mis-quoted but you get the drift..

Logically, looking forwards, how do you believe you are you going to have both time and the mental capacity free for a relationship until you tackle some of the work and home situations you have. Even if things were going swimmingly well with this new lady it doesn’t sound like you’d have the time to enjoy it – or even practically your own private place to go to unless you plan on always going out / to hers. Way ahead of where you are, I get, but since you do sound like someone who likes to think things through – doesn’t it seem therefore a good idea to start working on some of those whilst seeing what happens on the relationship front.

Pretty much everybody I know in a healthy relationship met when they were both in a good place themselves – it certainly increases the chances and you can see by the number of other threads on this website how many people are in relationships they’d rather not be!

But it doesn’t mean you have to start with drastic changes – try just saying no to a single work over-time request. I know it’s great to feel needed/indispensable and that you also use it to hide as you mention – but you’d be amazed how small changes snowball into you feeling great about yourself – which funnily enough is amazingly attractive 🙂

Hope it helps – you sound like a really nice guy who’s genuinely trying, let us know how it goes.