Hi Anita. Here I am again a month later. Felt like writing.
I’ve been accepted into a PhD abroad, but now looking for a scholarship. Also looking for a job elsewhere. Need to get out of here soon. Trying to get things moving.

Anyway- Ex-bf wise, I don’t feel anything for him anymore. However, during this time i’ve been attending loads of therapy and reading a lot.

And plenty of insights lately. I was severely abused during that relationship anita. And also, there’s something key in the whole puzzle that I never wanted to assume it to myself. But the day ex had a rage attack and broke everything around him (back in, idk, november), I tried to stop him and he hit me (sort of accidentally-but as in, he was being extremely violent so i don’t know) – i was hit in my mouth and there was blood. I never wanted to accept this fact to myself. Always ignored it – as if it were nothing.
But the traumas are pretty hard core, anita. I kind of don’t let men get close to me anymore- I used to be this romantic girl and now I’m cold. Really cold. So a progress is that I don’t like him anymore at all and ackownledged these things – but I feel rage and hatred towards him.

Anxiety still has not left me. And he was the trigger to my panic attacks. How can he sleep guilt-less? He has cause me stuff I will have to deal with to the rest of my life.

But okay- I’ve been carefully rebuilding myself. And by myself. Proud I got out of this before things got any worse. I was gonna marry and live with this person.

This is it for now.

love and peace.

C