Hi Anita,

My childhood was not the best. I think I have suppressed alot of my feeling….I know I have and am struggling to bring them all up. My father is an alcoholic and was very abusive with my mother. She put up with the abuse for years and years. My older sister would come to my room when the fighting would start and she would hide with me in my closet until the fighting stopped or sometimes we would have to go and “save” mom. Eventually my mom left with my dads bestfriend. My sister went to work on fishing boats and i was left (a young teen) to cope with my father. I would take care of him and make sure he got up for work every morning then get myself ready for school. Eventually I went to live my mom and her boyfriend. That lasted awhile and then she came to her senses and left him. She eventually ended up with R. She married him and we moved with R and his son. When I was 18yrs old my mom came to me and said I am moving away with R and his son, what are you going to do? So my mom was abandoning me again. My sister already had and I wasn’t going to live my father and his new wife. I moved out with my boyfriend and he physically and mentally abused me for 5 years. I finally left. My mom boyfriends son, whom I spent alot of time with, killed himself and that was very hard for me but of course nobody acknowledged my feeling. I was never shown love or respect. My mom was very selfish and only thought of herself. I also was sexually abused by my friends brother and her grandfather when I was about 7 or 8. Of course I turned to alcohol and that covered everything up. I just drank away my problems. Both my parents ended up marrying again, each for the 3rd time and to this day are still married.

I stopped drinking 7yrs ago but not because I thought I was an alcoholic but because this guy went to rehab to stop and I wanted to support him. I now know I am an alcoholic and I am finally trying to deal with things from the past. It is so hard and i am having trouble understanding how to do all of this. I think alot of my issues with this guy are that he made me feel safe and I always new he would never leave me so know that I did the breaking up I am totally scared. I have no idea what I am so afraid of. My anxiety is awful and I’m depressed but at the same time I know this relationship will never work as I’ve tried so many times. I know I have to figure out me and who I am. It’s so very hard! 🙁

Let me know if you have any other questions and any help would be most appreciated!

Thanks,
S.