Dear Priscilla:

A relationship, any relationship should be a Win-Win deal, business and personal. If it is a Lose for you, 90% of the time, then it is not a healthy relationship for you. Being rigid, “tit-for-tat” is not what I mean, of course, by seeing to it that the relationship is a Win for you.

The evaluation of whether it is a Win for you or a Lose, is a personal evaluation, of course. I would look into my behavior, my participation in the relationship AND her behavior, her participation in the relationship. Maybe make a list of these two things, of the Wins vs the Loses for you.

Maybe she can make the same list. A couple therapy with a competent relationship psychotherapist will be great- I can imagine the therapist- if it is a CBT therapist- giving the two of you exercises such as this listing and after the listing comparing those so to arrive, in the therapeutic session, to a realistic view of the relationship.

anita