Thanks Anita. Thats a good way to sum it up. He is living the dream I wanted and I resent that. I don’t resent him personally but any conversation with him results in my feeling bitter about myself. I resent myself because I know I need to drop this dream and move on but obviously I am struggling with that and although I have left it mentally I still feel the loss in my heart. I really wish there was a button to just cut this part of me off as its over a year and a half now and I am still walking around like a wounded lamb. I really hate that.

I guess the problem isn’t that life treat me unfairly but that I expected it to be fair. And the idea of another 5 year cycle of training to become something else that may blow up in my face again makes me want to give up now. I have bouts of enthusiasm but then I have months of feeling hopeless.

I am sure that as long as there are two people alive in the world there will be jealousy so I know I am certainly not he only one to feel this and I know others have much more grounds to feel this way than myself. I just wonder how you go about without this bitterness inside. I mean how do victims of serious crime get up in the morning? How do people in third world countries feel about those that have more than them? It makes my head spin at how unfair the world can be and here I am whining about some silly stuff while I have food, a roof, loved ones and leisure time. Its a funny world.

Thanks for your help Anita. After all this whining you wouldn’t believe I am a biker lol.

Ben