Hi Chau,

I have just signed up to this site only a few minutes ago so please forgive me if I am not following usual protocol or responding out of turn etc. Anyway, here goes….

I was in your shoes about a month ago and what I did helped quite a lot. Unfortunately, this situation is one of those things in which time truly is the best healer but a few things I did really helped. Also I appreciate that this advice might not be for you personally but you seem very insightful and intelligent so you will surely decide if it is for you 🙂

The first thing I would recommend is to completely eliminate the ability to ‘keep tabs’ on your ex and her current – delete her on facebook and completely erase her phone number so you couldn’t contact her even if you tried. Whilst this may seem viscous or immature it is merely a technique for eliminating that insecure feeling that is created by a mixture of hope (to re-kindle), uncertainty and overthinking (in my opinion). I will forewarn you that this is going to be really tough for anywhere up to a week but I promise that you will feel better much faster than you would if you don’t do this.

My next suggestion would be to pick something to devote your time to each day. I am not aware of your current working situation (student, full time, part time, etc) but take an hour ideally each day to do something which requires you to use your focus for a different purpose….some suggestions might be to learn the guitar, exercise, play some video games. listening to music usually will not help because you are still able to think and fantasise about the situation. Again I understand this isn’t for everybody but something great to try is martial arts, this is because it does wonders for your self esteem but it is very very difficult to be anywhere but there (to be in the present moment). Meditation is a great technique, as is journaling. I sat down and for about an hour just wrote down in my journal everything I was feeling, anger, resentments, how I see the future, what I want to happen, etc….writing it down makes the abstract (thought) become tangible so you can develop more objectivity.

Finally (sorry for the long post), I believe that you need to do two things. 1) be happy for your ex and let go of anger towards her current, 2) let out some anger via catharsis in order to feel the underlying emotion of sadness.
You can do the former by having compassion for your ex and being happy that she isn’t suffering, that she is happy…after all, don’t all humans deserve to be happy? I used to wish ill on my ex because why should she get to be happy when I wasn’t? believe me that this attitude is only hurting you and whilst it is tough, forgiving her and being genuinely happy for her will help drastically. pick something you admire about her current and list qualities that you like about him – this is tough (because the ego is usually in the way) but you will feel better; maybe even send him a message wishing them both well 🙂 as for the ‘catharsis’, you can remove your anger by hitting your bed, shouting, hitting a punchbag, etc….really let loose and let some aggression out (do not aim this at anybody or hurt anybody please) and you will find that shortly after you will feel depleted and you will probably cry….anger is our cover so we don’t have to feel our grief.

I really hope this helps, like I said, I have been where you are my friend and it isn’t nice but these things really helped me. Mindfulness meditation is so great for these matters.

Thanks
George