Thank you for your support Anita. I am somewhat more level headed now. I think I need to get out of my victim mindset and be responsible for my next actions and stop moping. I have been reading a little about philosophy (something I barely grasp but have a passing interest in) and stumbled across the quote ‘The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem’.

Its easy for me to be pissed off with my current job as it is dull and the boss is really not nice and inspite of being there almost 2 years I still don’t really fit in or feel comfortable with people. But… I am jealous of my friend for getting so lucky (and a part of me absolutely hates and resents him because he doesn’t even REALISE it and is just smug), but my other friend who worked in video games with me originally and has over 10 years experience in it is jealous of me because although his job pays more he is in recruitment and hates it and he wishes his job was as laid back and low pressure as mine is. Whereas I am jealous of his salary and the impact he has on peoples lives. My partner is jealous of me too as she works for sports direct and they are on the news for how poor their working conditions are.

So linking back to my quote, life isn’t fair but the problem isn’t that its unfair its that I expect it to be and it isn’t. I still don’t know how you are supposed to get over jealousy in general when it comes to serious injustice but for now this is helping me with my emotions. I don’t think I will ever be real friends with my old friend from university as his personality just makes me so angry at the drop of a hat and it will take me getting on my feet and feeling successful to get over that. I feel inferior to him because he has everything I want even excluding the job itself he still has cash stability and so on (he even just announced his honeymoon destination with his now wife which is where I want to take my fiance but can’t afford it).

As for now I still need to get on my feet but first I need to stop thinking like I am a wounded animal. I certainly feel trapped but there must be a way out of this as I am nowhere near helpless an people far worse off than me have climbed far higher than I need to.

Thanks
Ben

I need to find myself outside of art