Dear midnight,

Were these worries always there when you started dating him or they happened more after the bad times started?

I have often observed that anxiety is more a learned response to a past incident – our mind and body are on high alert though we logically know that this response isn’t the appropriate one to the situation.

I see this anxiety in myself a lot too – especially in relationships – Its like my mind has some interpretation of me as the “victim”, the snubbed and God knows what. The irony is in the long distance situation, one day he behaves a bit distant (doesn’t reply to my texts, seems too busy etc), the Pandora’s box gets opened.

What i am afraid of is feeling like i am not needed, that i am a burden of some sort and to avoid feeling this, i have often been distant about my feelings to people – i hate appearing needy in any way but i cant stand being away from my partner either.

In essence, “I want to be needed but i dont want to need.”

See how these are contradictions which are inter-related too?

A good way to understand your inner contradictions is regular journaling – recording those raw thoughts, voices in the head and then objectively seeing what they commonly look like after a while and then to sort of work backwards and understand what are the specific moments that trigger this – sort of reaching the core belief behind it.

And then to question the core belief – sometimes its done by going into one’s childhood and sometimes its by a process of direct rationalization through various techniques. The childhood way didn’t work me, so rationalization it is for me – Having a critical mind has its blessings and curse.

I wont say that the insecure me is gone – she will always be here – that critical voice is there still, its just that I choose not to give her that kind of power anymore.

An analogy, albeit a strange one: It reminds me a bit of Josh Nash in a beautiful mind with those people he keeps seeing -Charles got created when he craved a friend, Marcy got created as an offshoot of Charles. The military man got created when he felt snubbed by the military for his ingenious contributions. they talk to him but over time, he knows they aren’t real and after a point, he learns to ignore them and gives them less power. There is more to his mind than these shadows, there is more to his life than what these doubts tell him.

My apologies for going off on a different tangent on this post – i hope that my experiences may have provided you with an idea or two.

Regards,
Nina