Dear jlo5
I have just registered on this site, specifically so I can write to you.
I am screaming at the tablet screen as I read back all your posts, shaking my head agreeing now have tears in my eyes…. Believe me when I say…I get it. Unless you are in it, people don’t get it.
And only when I am in a certain place like I am right now, am I able to write/ say out loud the things that you have said/are saying.
I too am in a mentally abusive relationship and oh my god, things you have said, it’s like you have read my journal…it’s what I say….we have had a good few days…..taking the blame, being insecure, honestly I could scream…. Please please know that you are not alone. My god as crap as it is, it’s so good to know someone else gets it.
..’so I asked him what’s wrong, being as it’s usually me that’s caused the problem in his eyes’… My god, this is me too.

You and I are in very different real life situations but so much is similar, all I want to do is tell you about me and hope that it may help you in some small way.
My husband was diagnosed with Bipolar and OCD before I met him and he suffered two hospitalised episodes of extreme depression. When I met him he had been on medication and in therapy for many many years and when he told me this at the start of our relationship, he didn’t make it a big deal, Said it was controlled by medication and during those first few years I saw nothing different to him than say any other boyfriend, bit controlling maybe, bit black and white, bit blunt maybe but now 8 years later and he is a different person.
He is so negative and judgemental, he has no friends, says he didn’t want or need them, everyone lets him down, no one ever gives the same as he does. He is so angry and resentful he has no social life and doesn’t want one and undermines me because I want to see people, hang out with friends, he says I am weak, insecure and pathetic for needing outsiders approval.
There are many things that can happen to any person in their life and I could and have made allowances and excused his behaviour because he was mentally and physically abused as a child by his parents, he was forced to deal with his grieving mother after a miscarriage when he was 8, bullied to such an extent by his dad, he developed a stammer and ocd as his way of coping. He has been shat on by so many friends who have abused his genuinely sweet, kind, giving and generous nature, his family took thousands of pounds from him as he broke out of his poor upbringing and made something of himself, they constantly made him feel guilty of his achievements, he was always trying to win/ earn their approval.
I can tell you all this and so so much more but should all this be the reason I say it’s ok that he calls me a c**t, a disgrace, vile lazy teenager (I’m 15 years his junior but I am still actually 34 so not a teenager) spit at me, say everything is my fault, throw things, belittle me and constantly tell me how flawed I am, how I have a screw loose. So much of what you say, actually practically everything, I have said or been through too and I have tried to walk away twice.
I cannot tell you how amazing it is that you have said enough. You say you were very determined, that must have been so difficult and you go back and forth between thinking you are right and he is right… I know, he’s in your head, in your thoughts, he has slowly chip chip chipped away at your self belief, your gut instincts you question and my god you are so right, if it was a friend, we would have both packed her bags for her, took her home with us and poured her a large glass of wine!
I get that there are things that cannot make it a clean ‘break away’, you have kids, he has a driving ban, you will have joint accounts and phone tariffs and god knows what else, it is never ever easy but it is not impossible and remember that amazing strength you gave inside. My therapist said to me something that I will say to you, she said I was the most resilient person she had ever met, now I don’t know you but I know enough to tell you you are resilient, and amazing and strong and a cherished mummy and the hero your kids need and deserve and you deserve to be you, not you constantly unsure if this will upset him, modifying your behaviour (I try and eat my meals with my hands now as I am too worried that I will scratch my fork on my plate and I knows he hates that and so I am just trying to minimalize the things that might set him off…
I know, like you, deep down I know I think I am worth more than this and deserve more and don’t think it is all my fault, I hope I can get out of this marriage but like you, will always have to be tied to him because of children.
Ultimatley, we only get one life and the clock is always ticking, try hard not to berate yourself for not doing it sooner or if you can’t go through with it at the end of October, don’t put yourself down and start down that road again, each day is important in the long run and just part of the process.
I hope you have got something from my ramble but I just could not not write to you.
You deserve so much more than you have been through, you deserve inner peace and unconditional love, I hope you demand them of yourself, I know I am trying to get there.

The bestest of wishes from me to you.
B x

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Belle. Reason: Spelling