Hey guys thanks for replying! I think you are both right. There has always been a small element of ‘this will show them’ in whoever I have been attracted to, available or otherwise. The them being kids from my middle school who ostracized me. I do also think being with an available man is not n option for me because I wouldn’t know how to be in that situation, or like normal healthy relationships just feel like they happen to other people, they aren’t really ssomething I can understand or am meant for.