Dear Xenopous Tex,

I think there are two different things at work here:

1. The actual cost and your anger about not having recognised it early enough, for whatever reason.
It’s annoying, I can understand that you are angry, but it is not a drama – you will not end up homeless or have other serious consequences because of this, as far as I understand? (Even if, it would help more to focus on a solution than on blaming yourself). And we are all human. We cannot be perfect and control everything at once. In hindsight we think we can, but you will only get anxious, paranoid and even more unhappy if you try to control every last bit of life in oder to avoid mistakes. (Look around you at people who do that, they are not fun to be around and they also dont like themselves a lot and neither are they very happy…you don’t get happier from having things under control) I think it is a better approach to accept that life is full of mistakes (because honestly, this shit happens to everyone, and has also happened to me in a similar form), and to allow for that instead of making yourself miserable.

2. The other thing that is at work are the emotions this incident brings up in you, and the things you are starting to reflect on because of this. I think that maybe it’s good that this thing happend and opened up a valve…
About two years ago I had a phase where I felt EVERYTHING was going wrong, and I almost felt like the universe had joined forces to take me down. But seeing it from a different perspective now I would say it was mostly my own destructive thinking.
I think it is important that you (after accepting that life is not perfect, you are not perfect and neither is anyone around you) take responsibility for your own happiness, and start to slowly build a life that you might like.
But for that you need to stop bashing yourself for mistakes or things you cannot control, and stop blaming your surroundings for your unhappiness. Calender quote right here: Life doesn’t have a remote. You need to get up and change it yourself.

I hope this is of any use for you, fuck that money and take care of yourself, because you deserve to be happy, as anyone else does.
kath