Anita

I think you are right. I was just dismissed as being too sensitive or just immature but it’s taken me until now to realise that the way I react to things and feel things are just as they are. I don’t need validation or approval from anybody but myself.

I attribute the tiger to my own stubbornness sometimes, especially when people are trying to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do. I don’t like people reminding me or pointing out my flaws or limitations – somebody I know and trust recently called me and we had a conversation where he told me why I shouldn’t pursue a particular course of action. I was upset and felt attacked when he was telling me this – I know he had my best interests at heart and I didn’t want to be reminded of my limitations. Sometimes I still find myself getting angry about this conversation even though it happened a month ago – how dare he point out my flaws and limitations? How dare he be so judgemental? How dare he scrutinize I’m aware of my own flaws and shortcomings but I don’t need to be reminded or told by other people because I have my pride. Tigers, like peacocks are proud creatures as well.

But beyond all of this anger and defensiveness about my wounded pride, there was a valid message beneath it all – having to face up to reality. It’s a brutal sobering experience, having to wake up and face reality when I spent the past few months entertaining an extremely foolish course of action – I was planning to run away to teach English in China.

I planned everything – I’d leave without saying goodbye and it would be the start of my brand new life and my career. I felt I had to take this because that’s what life is about, taking opportunities and raising the bar. I had my heart set on it for a few years. I first started reading articles on Tiny Buddha in late 2013/early 2014, right after the horrific year dealing with de-personalization and de-realisation. Articles and stories from people who just ‘went with the flow’ and went travelling and just said ‘f**k it I’m going to take this opportunity, screw the consequences’. At least, that was the vibe that I got.

I thought to myself – “I really want to do that! To prove it to myself that I can do it. To escape from my problems.” Around that time I had gotten accepted onto that graphic design internship in Spain. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I wasn’t the kind of person who got accepted onto great opportunities or winning competitions or anything like that. It raised the bar for me and made me want to dream big. Dream unrealistic. I wanted to believe that because things in my life were less than ideal and things never went according to plan for me, it must all be a sign that I was destined for better things. I was so incredibly up my own arse.

But I realise how incredibly foolish and reckless that could have been – the flights were provided by the learning institutions but I had no way of returning home if things didn’t go according to plan. I didn’t consider everything, I was just too focused on running away and starting a new life.

China is off the cards for the foreseeable future, as much as I didn’t want to admit it. I’m not doing great with any of my freelance work. Realising this and facing up to what is – it seems dreadful at first and I wanted to avoid that dreadful feeling but it is as it is. Addressing my pride has compelled me to take action.

It’s perhaps made me realise that making such a reckless impulsive decision, making bad decisions in general and not being careful with my finances might be a sign of bipolar or borderline personality disorder. I know I should seek further help about this but I need to swallow my pride first. Writing my experiences of 2012/2013 was my way of reminding me that I got through that rough patch in my life, I can get through this next one.

Tigers are fiery, proud, wild and formidable but part of me thinks I’d rather be a tiger than be the timid rabbit I thought was leading me down into the rabbit hole in 2012/2013.

What do you think?

Joe

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Joe.