Dear Allicia,

This is a big step for you, so it’s natural to feel some fear. But it sounds to me as though your high levels of anxiety and this feeling that you are “dying” are related to how scared you are of doing things without permission from your family. I think that as a child you were very scared that your family will be so unhappy with you if you don’t obey, that they will reject you and not take care of you anymore. This huge fear must have felt like dying, or like you will end up dead, because a child cannot survive without his or her family.

I think in order to gradually become more peaceful and confident in yourself, you have to start giving yourself permission to do and enjoy the things that you like. You are the master of your own life. It will be scary at first to learn to trust your own voice but I am sure it will get better. It is not surprising that this is scary and hard for you right now, you are only starting to learn how to trust your own voice and it’s like learning a new skill.

I have no doubt that you are making the right choice, because to be good at something you must like it and you obviously hate what you’re doing at the moment. So I don’t see what can be gained by you staying and suffering longer. Give yourself permission to follow your own voice, you’re the only one who can do that. I know that right now running away into safety feels like a tempting choice, but you said it yourself, it might feel safe but it’s not really living. And you’ll probably be faced with similar anxieties at another point in your life anyway, if you don’t deal with this now.

If your anxiety is getting really strong you might consider seeing a therapist or a doctor. Also there are some great Apps for anxiety relief that can sometimes really help.