jlo5 – I think we are in a similar situation as much of what you write is very similar to my experience. The rages being quickly forgotten about, almost as if they never happened is very familiar to me and the denial that any lasting damage can result is as if we are supposed to sit back and take it on the chin because that is the pattern of behaviour that has evolved over the years. Now you are challenging this behaviour and hopefully he is modifying his behaviour. That is the case with my wife but I can sense how she is really wanting to react. Just this morning she was trying on the coercion over nothing so I refused to play her game and she immediately started to raise her voice declaring that she didn’t want to start an argument. With such a declaration it’s obvious that is exactly what she wanted to do as that is her natural inclination over many decades of trying to bend me to her will. The point is that all the experts say that abusers who seek control never change, but sometimes they change tactics for a while. It shouldn’t have to be like that in what is supposed to be a loving relationship for mutual benefit. Ultimately, I’m guessing that what you are trying to achieve is a life without abuse which is not too much to ask and the only way that can happen is if he changes or you leave. In my case the damage has been done to such an extent that I can never have a loving relationship with my wife so my only option for peace is to leave but I am very bad at leaving having tried several times already. If my experience is anything to go by, leaving will be very difficult. Perhaps harder than you can possibly imagine but we are not the same person so maybe you will be more successful if that is the way things go. Best of luck with whatever path you take.