i hope your account can be recovered and i’m glad that you have a backup with your husband’s account. the computers crashed yesterday during school and most of my java programs were possibly deleted (i hope not, b/c i would have to redo the coding again. i have the temperature conversion saved on a google doc so that one’s okay. but i may have to redo my address/name/phone one). i have become better at working on java and i was in the middle of the address/name/phone program that i created which would allow the computer to recognize me as the user and when i asked it questions such as “what is the user’s address?” it would respond. i think other classmates had the same problem so i’m not the only one. i like your idea of seeking advice from different people on different issues and you haven’t gone Anonymous yet. so i succeeded in two days of a bully-free zone. i meditated on monday in which i didn’t have school and i hung out with laid-back friends on tuesday and we made thanksgiving cards for seniors. i liked the drawing and the idea of sending well wishes to senior citizens. today, there is a strange calling that keeps telling me to tell the source of my inner bully b/c i can feel it starting to creep in. there is a voice in my mind that keeps saying “speak, get the truth out and seek advice to uproot the inner bully.” i think i will, can you give me advice on this story?

here goes:
i really enjoyed playing lacrosse when i was in elementary school. i was also good at soccer and most other sports (except volleyball and baseball), but i never really cared much for athletics. i often found myself when i was in elementary school while others were at recess, i would read or draw or help the teacher. i also enjoyed learning about tools and how they worked. i was often teased b/c i wasn’t interested in sports and often my classmates would make remarks toward my ethnicity calling me a “geeky asian girl. or a tomboy that wasn’t a tomboy b/c i wasn’t very interested in athletics.” i never really noticed their comments or remarks, in fact i laughed at myself along with them and most of the time they would go away and bother someone else upon which i would step in and defend that person. i was the person who would always sit with someone who was different or being bullied no matter whatever the people said and is still do that now. also i was young at that time and the world was new and i had a lot of good friends and great teachers so i didn’t really let the teasing sink in. in middle school, most of my friends left to go other places and i was finding my way through a new school. in sixth grade, the first year of middle school i was quite shy and really into academics (got straight A’s). there was a girl who used to crack bad jokes about me to her friends, but i realized she was just jealous b/c i was better at school work then she was. i had a a few guy friends that would defend me and i didn’t really pay her much thought b/c she didn’t really bother me much. there were times when i saw her as an insecure person and i would help her and she would be quite nice, in fact we are friends now and she is quite good at academics as well. sixth grade was the time when i became a buddhist wiccan since one of my guy friends was one. i think the bullying started to sink in at seventh grade. most of my friends were in different classes and no one really wanted to be my friend, they all thought i was weird b/c i was a buddhist wiccan. some were also jealous b/c i was in advanced algebra due to my test scores in sixth grade. i tried to be friends with some people, but they would ignore me and it hurt. i would hear whispers saying “look there goes that girl who sold her soul to the devil” even though wicca is a nature oriented religion and it is using natural energy of the divine to bring about harmony and balance with nature. buddhism is about walking your own path and making your choices, making yourself whole much like wicca in the balance with nature. but i met jaydah who was a great person and one of my first closest lacrosse friends. but she moved away during the end of first semester. i made friends with elisha, but she wasn’t the best person to be friends with. she made me quite depressed b/c she would often talk about how the world was against her and how death would be better. i was friends with her b/c she was quite good at math and advanced algebra got tougher during the second semester and i needed her help. but she really dragged me down and made my potential for friendships seem to lessen even more b/c i got more labels attached to me. people would look at me and say “look there goes the two crazy and delusional people who are depressed.” during this time, i had another friend i often saw at lacrosse and his name was andrew L. (not the same andrew who is good at science, he is andrew W.). i often ran track with him and played lacrosse, but i didn’t see him often, but he had a good sense of humor, andrew L. and i are still friends now. so elisha made me quite depressed, but toward the end of the second semester, i met my special friend. he and i shared a public speaking class together and i helped him with his hw. he invited me to play soccer with him. there were times when i felt so sad b/c i didn’t think i had friends and my special friend would say “i’m here for you, it’s okay.” he introduced me to his friends and they became my friends and they played soccer, lacrosse and hockey so we would often play together and we still do. my special friend kept telling me that elisha wasn’t a good friend for me and she was heading for trouble, but i didn’t want to believe him, i wanted to help elisha. towards eighth grade, i felt like i was burdened by a lot of weight b/c i was quite sad and sometimes cried myself to sleep. i often didn’t think anyone cared about me b/c i didn’t have many friends. but my special friend and his friends were always their throughout seventh and eighth grade to help me through. towards the second semester of my eighth grade year, my language arts teacher put me next to a girl whom i admired her artistic ability an confidence. the girl didn’t pay much attention to me though except when we worked together. my special friend changed that, he pretended he was bullying me and it caught the girl’s attention and she told him to stop. when he laughed and went away, i heard the girl mutter to herself “this isn’t right, she doesn’t deserve to be bullied.” so the girl whose name is aaliyah wrote me a note saying that she felt bad that i was being bullied and she asked if we could be friends upon i said sure. she is one of my closest friends today. she said that at first she had the same first impression other people had of me that i was weird, but when my special friend role-played bullying, she realized that i was just a normal person who needed a friend. then aaliyah glared at my special friend and said ‘that wasn’t very nice.” upon which my special friend said he had been joking and just trying to make friends. anyway, aaliyah asked me just to be sure and now both my special friend, aaliyah and me are friends. anyway, when i became friends with aaliyah, i dropped elisha as my friend b/c she wasn’t a good person too be around. it was hard at first, but aaliyah and my special friend pulled me through it. anyway during high school, i made a vow that i wasn’t going to let the bullies define who i was. freshman year of high school went by and it was great. i had lots of friends and my grades were great. andrew L. and i saw more of each other in track and lacrosse. my special friend, andrew L. and me would often have fun together. toward july through october 19-ish of sophomore year i was part of the gymnastics team. the girls on the gymnastics team accepted me for who i was and i felt as if i truly belonged. i missed 3 events b/c i had to work at the restaurant, but i felt bad for missing them. i had to quit before the end of the season somewhere near nov. 14th b/c i had to help out at the restaurant and my parents needed me to help out. that is one of the disadvantages of having a restaurant, you sometimes can’t enjoy the things you care about b/c you have to work. my gymnastics teammates are still my friends, but my withdrawal from the team made me feel sad. my teammates had provided me with support and also helped me with school work, they gave me confidence in myself. during gymnastics season somewhere around august 27, when i came home from gymnastics practice a guy was being sexist b/c he saw me wearing a leotard. he said “you don’t have the body for a gymnast. your pussy is too big. you’re showing off your body, you think you’re so good. but you are a weak, pathetic loser.” i was shocked at his comment, but i just walked away. since i was still in gymnastics at that time, i let the incident go and it didn’t matter b/c i was surrounded by positive and encouraging people. the memory didn’t bother me when i had to quit gymnastics or throughout my sophomore year. it is really strange how my inner bully decided to show up during march of my junior year and it hadn’t through any of the other times. march of junior year was the formation of the inner bully, the hurtful self-criticism that kept at me. in february 23rd when i took the sats and received a 1490/2400, my parents ragged me saying that i wasn’t going to make it into college. i wasn’t really upset then b/c i knew i had other chances. but an incident during gym of junior year triggered the memory of what happened sophomore year that i had thought was gone. a guy made fun of me and called me ugly and said that i had no right to be good at sports b/c i was a girl. he went even further with his insults by saying that i was pretending to be a boy and i didn’t have the body of an athlete. he said that my chest wasn’t toned, that i had big thighs and my butt was large. this hurt and it triggered back the memory of sophomore year when someone was being sexist. however, i forgot about for a while b/c i had friends such as andrew w (science) and dave who were great people. i also developed a workout program and was quite happy with myself until june came around and somehow my inner bully just broke through. all summer i tried to hide my body afraid someone would make a rude comment about it. i felt inferior to guys being a girl. i would work out in nature alone where no one would see me and i hid myself. every day there would be the voice of my inner bully saying “look the guys were right. you will never be an athlete. you are powerless as a girl. you’re chest is too big. look everyone hates you. you’re nothing.” all i wanted was peace from the chatter in my mind. i achieved peace in july of junior year through meditation, but something triggered the inner bully again when my parents yelled at me for not knowing any life skills and the inner bully picked that up and was at full watt saying “see no one likes you. you’re a failure. you know nothing.” there will always be something that triggers my inner bully and i need to work on letting my inner bully go. i’m in my senior year of high school and still working on letting go of the past. however, i’m unsure of how to let go and be the confident person i used to be. also this is the reason i’m not good with relationships b/c i’m not sure how to trust someone, i’m afraid a person will see me as a weak person and will betray me.