James –

I’m glad you wrote – been thinking about you.

I’m sorry that you’re hitting this tough, lonely time when you want something in return.

I can empathize – because I’m there, too. And I know how hard it is to muster the emotions to feel good about yourself when the one person who promised to be your soul mate isn’t encouraging – in fact, her not encouraging is discouraging. I know. I know. I know. And it’s hell. And while my wife and I have made positive steps, we have some ways to go ourselves. But it is far from over.

Here’s something that I recently discovered that has significantly moved our needle in the right direction. My wife and I have been married more than 23 years. It occurred to me how much different (and younger) we were then – and so was our marriage. So, marriages change, shift, weaken and strengthen over time. Like Jessi wonderfully said, “you’re going through a dark tunnel right now.”

When you and your wife first fell in love you were different people, too. But with years, children, stress, jobs, children’s medical issues (a big one for you guys), etc., those old incredible, sugar-coated feelings for one another waned. You are no longer discovering new things about one another. And you’re depressed. And depression is nothing to take for granted.

What helped with us is that instead of worrying about if my wife liked me, I focused on liking myself. I put energy into becoming a 2.0 version of my former self. I took up running. I started painting again. I didn’t ignore my wife and children. In fact, when my wife was busy or not interested in doing anything with me, I took my girls on “Daddy Dates” – to the movies, hiking, Saturday breakfast at some unique diner, etc. This is key: I found my happiness outside of my wife. But it didn’t mean I had to end my marriage. On the contrary, I realized that the more I kept pursuing her, the more she withdrew. So, I changed my actions toward her to “acts of service” – which is her Love Language. Oh, it’s hard. I desire her a ton. But if I channel my energy and attention elsewhere, the contentment fills the void. And, it’s quality time with my daughters – time well invested for any dad.

Of course, the “Pursuer—Distancer Dance” is nothing new – couples fall into it without much though. Here’s a great article on it, and additional tips on how to break it. (Ignore the fact that the examples they use have the genders flopped.)

http://movingpastdivorce.com/2014/10/how-to-break-out-of-the-pursuer-distancer-dance/

Build back your confidence. And believe me, there’s nothing women find more attractive than a guy who’s genuinely confident. She’ll notice – eventually.

Again, I’m going through this sh#t, too. Write back. I’m here.

Wishing you peace tonight.

Ninja