Dear jvn1:

My experience with having a horrible childhood is that the childhood pain is like a ball of dirt (dirt representing problems) going down a hill- year after year- gathering more and more dirt as it goes down hill. I don’t believe fate or a god has determined that my life is going to be about pain and the reason is that I learn something. I think that trouble begets more trouble until a person heals from the original injuries.

You are 40, and you wrote that this is your future- no, this is your present. My advice is to attend to your childhood injuries, competent psychotherapy perhaps?

anita