Hi Bexx,
Thank you so much for your post– I have reread it so many times over the past several days as I struggle thru my pain and try to understand why this has happened and how to not be broken down by it. It is a (sad) relief to know someone else has gone thru a similar situation, and I know you are right to point out that the wishing-wondering-hoping is a bottomless pit you can throw your energy into. I am sorry for what you went thru and I deeply appreciate you sharing your hard earned wisdom.

I want to take my love and my grief and respect them and put my energy into myself… but how does one begin to do that? I have spent years thinking thru how my childhood affects who I am and the types of relationships I am drawn to. I have learned many things but I don’t see any more wounds in myself that I feel I’ve ignored. I really thought I’d come to a place of strong self-knowledge (my self-love and acceptance yes took a lot of years of therapy and effort and honesty and is a garden always needing weeding). I feel I was the strong happy person I’ve slowly grown into when I met this man. So now, having channeled that trust and affection and happiness into sharing and building a life with someone who seemed stable and on the same page I feel so shattered and confused at the rejection that I am having trouble picking up the pieces— of finding a “me” that I can put energy and love back into.

Trying to avoid melodrama, but I guess it simply feels like I am uprooted from my own heart and only finding dark sadness, rejection, jealousy, grief there inside of me when usually I feel so much light inside myself and all around me.

I want to keep my faith in positive community and the possibility of real communion with others who are ready and willing to connect, but I feel deeply shaken and scared that perhaps the odds are too slim of deep care ever being returned in balance in a romantic partnership.