Hi Anita,

Thanks very much for replying again. I do believe it is number 3. I have asked him what you are asking before and he says that one of two things are happening: either (1) he is stressed and working on something, so he doesn’t check his phone at all and keeps it on silent (he is quite introverted and I guess this isn’t too unusual – his mother complains about him being unreachable too), then afterwards he is exhausted and forgets to check and/or turn the volume back on/dig it out of his bag or jacket, or (2) – rarely – he is overwhelmed because we had some fight and he doesn’t want to fight further, plus he is under some deadline and has to focus on getting xyz important task done.

He says it’s hard to try to pay attention to his phone everyday after never having done so in his life. I believe he is trying to change his behavior, but old habits die hard. He said his life would be better in general if he could get better about this and the punctuality thing.

I suppose that what I need is more patience and attention to myself and meeting my own needs. But I am the kind of person who can implement changes immediately if I know my behavior is hurting my partner, so this is very difficult for me to tolerate and still feel loved and respected. Also I keep wanting to (and often do) say “Ok let’s get back to goofing off and having fun together!” and then at some unexpected moment it happens again and hits me like a ton of bricks. Then I’m back inflicting terrible wounds on myself psychologically and desperately wanting to hear from him, while he is buzzing along happily over at his apartment, oblivious to my distress.

I mentioned that the anxiety is increasing… these instances used to just annoy me periodically but now I am starting to have persistent anxiety, fears that it’s only a matter of time till he hurts me again. It’s very distracting. Meanwhile he is asking for more time and patience. I love him and I want to give that. I am trying but I don’t know what I’m doing. It still hurts very often and I don’t know how to get through it, or how long to try.

AH