Dear magnoliachrysanthe

If you read between the lines of your message there is a theme that is worth considering. You worry about him at a party, you keep an eye on him there. You keep taking responsibility for his behaviour throughout, saying things like: ‘I have flaws, but I am working on them’; ‘I got upset unnecessarily’. Always you, but he never takes responsibility for his behaviour at all.

You admit that this relationship is not mutual and I tend to agree with you. In fact he sounds to me like someone who is coercively controlling you – using (perhaps subtle) verbal or emotional ‘abuse’ to control you.

In the beginning he was there, but then pulled away from you soon after. You are possibly walking on eggshells around him as you want to get the nice guy back, not the one who yells at you. The one who was there at the beginning but is elusive now. So you keep trying to change your behaviour to appease him. However, to keep you on your toes he says one thing, then denies it. He says another and denies it again. This is a form of moving the goalposts so he can maintain the control.

Your focus is now totally on him. And who you can change him into being. And blaming yourself for his behaviour that is unacceptable. I would honestly ask yourself: Is this man good enough for me? Does he bring out the best in me and I in him? Do we have shared values, goals about important things in life? Do I really like this person, not just ‘love’?

Also consider that love is a verb, not a noun. Watch what he does and not what he says. Does he show you he cares for you? Does he treat you with respect? Being in love shouldn’t be about being in pain.

Vivian