Hi anita,

What you have described so far kinda resonates with me. Take for example, the unfulfilled promise of the console. Despite my asking them several times after fulfilling my part of the bargain, they told me to wait but it never comes. I wonder if it is linked to a message I tell myself at times: “There is no point in doing anything because it will not get me the result anyway.”

My inner voice not only scolds me, it also encourages me to procrastinate and watch tv, sleep or do anything that provides me instant gratification, it also tells me that if I do not behave in a manner that is similar to other men in society, then I ought to feel ashamed of myself. All in all, it’s a voice I don’t like, but somehow I’m stuck with it.

Then, when my boss actually reprimands me for not completing my task, I get impatient and I retort and I avoid at all costs. While I may be able to avoid my boss (since he is not always in office), I find myself talking to myself in a manner as how I would imagine him to be talking to me.

Now for some uplifting news. I have kept up a regular exercise routine for the past two weeks. Yesterday, I forced myself to write down a list of tasks which I completed, albeit reluctantly. I also tried to interact a bit more with my colleague in office. While exercising has become a habit to me, I’m still struggling with work, and life. But deep down, I would like to be more proactive in my life. It is so tough trying to type the above. It’s like I have to squeeze the words out of me. It doesn’t flow as easily as I would have liked it to be.

regards,
daniel