Then there is this part of me that blames people. For example, because I am suffering, I put the blame on others that I think should have been able to help me. Not one of my girlfriends is still my friend. I think it may be because I can so easily find a flaw in others because I am so good at finding flaws in myself.

My second girlfriends finally gave up on me when I let the depression get the better of me and was not kind to her, was removed from her, and others noticed it when we were around them.

Then there is the situation last night. The individual that got me to get skiing passes for the season to join him and his family was not available last night to ski. So, I get quiet…and I think I may have been blaming him for my lonely night of skiing. I certainly am still going to talk to him and try again. But, there is definitely a side of me that wants to blame him for what happened last night.

I get hurt by people easily…and, because I am ‘nice’, I don’t confront them…I show my pain in passive ways…like distancing myself from them, acting unusual or quiet…

this thought just came to me as I was getting ready for my run…so I thought I would post…

So, not only do the people around me have to deal with my persistent pessimism…they have to walk on pins and needles just to make sure they don’t hurt my feelings. So, why would anyone want to wake up with a person like me? I think I deserve what’s been coming to me.

Also, when sitting there alone last night…it just brought back the feelings of middle and high school, when some years I would sit at lunch completely alone. Eventually, I changed a little and got enough courage to join people at tables. But, I definitely spent a good part of my childhood years alone.