I am just so afraid that I will lose him… and YES, I do know that it is a real possibility. I am not that naïve in my thinking. Especially when all my friends around me are so negative. My therapist told me that people project their own insight on a specific situation because of their own personal experiences. In other words, if someone has had only negative experiences with relationships or a failed marriage, they will tend to think more on that side of things.

I can say this… my last relationship was an extremely, abusive (physically & mentally) unhealthy one. My ex stripped everything away from me including my own identity. It took me three years to rebuild myself back to where I once was, obviously with many more scars. As I have said earlier in my post, it took me a long time to open up to my fiancé. I was waiting for the “Other shoe to drop” because he was too good to be true in my eyes. I guess in my mind I built him up to be this almost “Superhero”. But I know he is only human. And all humans are flawed. We all have strengths & weaknesses. And I know that life is not all sunshine & roses either. We all have our ups & our downs. I just never have felt so strongly in a relationship with someone. It was like we balanced each other out. When I was negative, he brought me up. When he was having a bad day, I made him feel better. The fact that there were no signs that he was stressing out over OUR relationship or the wedding just took me by complete & utter surprise. YES, I know he was far more stressed than usual with work. And I know he has said more than once to me that he used to love going to work. He felt accomplished but now, every morning he dreaded going in. He did tell me when he broke it off with me that this job was suppose to be such a good thing but it has turned out to be a curse.

I now have in my mind, if everything was stressing him out so much, maybe it was me? Maybe it was our relationship… Maybe it was forced. But to go through all of everything that he did. To spend the money he did… take out a personal loan, could it all have been an “act”?? To show that we have the “Perfect Relationship”?

Oh God! That scares me & literally makes me sick to my stomach!