Dear Desmond:

You wrote: “she will say things that make my heart sink deeper into guilt, she tells me she has not a single reason to live now that I leave her, that after all I leave her with all the damage I’ve done and now she’s alone with her problems, that I failed and she never deserved it – and she is right to say these things”-

It seems to me, clearly, at this point that in this relationship, as is, you are the abused and she is the abuser. Her weapon is GUILT. Prognosis for the relationship, according to my understanding: you will work out for the rest of your life to make it up to her for your perceived abuse-of-her but she will never free you of your guilt because she will not be motivated to give up her power-over-you. Her power, guilt, keeps you submissive to her, at her disposal.

I went back to your original post to re-examine your strong claims of being the abuser in this relationship, looking for evidence to it: how were you abusive? You wrote: “I lied a lot. I seeked external acceptance (which was interpreted by my SO as being flirty and promiscuous, can’t blame her for that). I failed time after time, apologized and promised to stop doing that.”- you lied to her, she accused you f being “flirty and promiscuous”- but you weren’t those things, correct?

You stated that when confronted, eventually, you lash out at the other person. You wrote: “I’ll try to stay calm when facing her frustrations, bouts of anger and resentment, but at some point I’ll lash out at her too.”- but notice, she is lashing out at you first, isn’t she? Aren’t those “bouts of anger and resentment” on her part lashing out at you? You try to remain calm and eventually you lash out.

If she initiates those confrontations with you, going on and on accusing you, you may lie in desperation so to stop the torment of her accusations, many of which are untrue accusations, is it not so?

You certainly presented yourself as the abuser, a monster, but now I am strongly inclined to believe that you are not. I am sure you are imperfect, no doubt. But in this relationship, as is, you are the abused, and she is the abuser. Please consider this.

anita