Dear Anita and dear everyone,

Is her weapon truly guilt, when she only speaks of harm I’ve done to her? She is hurt, she is in pain, she wants this all to end, would it not be natural to talk about what I’ve done to her? Would it be wrong to talk about all I’ve done to her, if it brings her a moment of relief? I am indeed at her disposal and willing to resign from meeting friends or spending time alone, if she has her emotional pain moment. But shouldn’t I, if it was me who lied, who failed to keep boundaries with other people, who failed to understand the social construct and its rules?

And yes, I was acting in a way that many people probably would see as flirty and promiscuous. Months ago, after many sessions of meditation and self-reflection, I found out I only wanted these people’s acceptance. So I crossed not only boundaries of social interaction but boundaries of my own. I always wanted to be accepted so hard that I failed to see the only source of acceptance I need – and the one that was empty – is my self. But intent is not action and I was judged for my actions. And these were seen as flirty and promiscuous, not something you do in a classical, exclusive relationship.

Yes, when confronted for long time about very same issue, I feel helplessness building up inside of me. How long must I repeat same answers to rephrased questions? How long must I misinterpred these questions and hear that if I’m “that stupid” then I’d better not answer at all? I always try to remain calm (which often comes off as cold and emotionless, I’m really bad at being empathetic or maybe I’m a sociopath?) but after some time, I’m so tired, so scared of confrontation, that probably this is the reason I’ll lash out. To make everything stop.

But it’s not that these accusations are false (as said in previous paragraph, these are based on my actions, not intentions), it’s that my answers seem to fall on deaf ears. Topics will always return, like today we’ve already (it was around noon to clarify) had an argument about how I like red hair and how she has black, thus I must dislike her hair. She sees me taking liking to red hair as something obsessive, given that 50% of my partners (which is 3 out of 6 women I dated) had red hair. How can I not see her (a normal girl with normal hair) as sexual and would prefer these “redhead sluts” as she calls them. But I don’t, though no amount of me stating that seems to let me get through to her.

I have once read somewhere, that in adult life people who had abusive or dysfunctional parents tend to find partners with negative personality traits or problems similar to those that their parents had. This is done because their inner children still yearn acceptance from their parents. We subconciously want to know that we were ok people to our parents and find such partners thinking that if they accept us, our parents would do it too. This seems very true to me, because this relationship is very similar in the way we handle arguments to the way my father did it – there was no winning them. It’s not like he had to be right. He simply “was” and woe to them who disagreed.

But still I am helpless. You paint a very scary picture of future that awaits me, which seems repetition of last one and a half year. But what should I do? Probably, the answer is to break up, but I just can’t muster up the strength required to do so. Though I love her, I am scared just thinking about us having a relationship. But I’m even more scared of breaking up. She is of weak mind and in a very dark place right now, very alone. If I sever her only connection to outside world (which is me), what will she do? I have put her there and yes, indeed I feel guilty about it. I want to help her, it’s just… I’m helpless where I am right now.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Desmond.