Dear Desmond:

You wrote: “She is lashing out at me for things I did, and I don’t find any comfort in her presence anymore – I am always on alert, trying to avoid triggering her anger… I am so lost and scared.”- these are the writings of an abused man, being in an abusive relationship, what you called a “toxic relationship”.

She has been using your behavior before you met her (ex., one night stands) against you, as evidence of you abusing her. How could you possibly been abusive to her before meeting her.

Regarding the statements she make, in your last paragraph: ““so this is you changing yourself like you promised?” – she says this after she tells you to “piss off” and “bugger off”- she expresses aggression toward you, lashing out at you, repeatedly, and then she blames you for HER OWN AGGRESSION.

This woman arrived into your life troubled, carrying deep seated, unresolved anger toward other people in her life: maybe her father cheated on her mother with women with red hair, I don’t know. What she is doing is inaccurately projecting her pre-existing anger into you. She will continue to do so for as long as her unresolved anger circulates in her brain, looking for release. Only competent psychotherapy can help her resolve her original anger.

It is a common misconception people have: that an abusive person is a cold hearted, calculated person committing abuse for fun. Reality is abuse is commonly done by people who are suffering, just like her.

Another misconception is that a victim of abuse is a victim only if that person is perfect in every way, never departed from proper and appropriate behavior. Reality is, no adult is perfect, free from any wrongdoings.

I think you need competent psychotherapy so to shake off your paralysis in this situation and LEAVE her and this relationship. You cannot heal her. All you are doing is making yourself sick and sicker.

anita