Dear Debbie:

I am glad you initiated that phone conversation. Even though you preferred a face to face conversation, your account of the phone conversation is very helpful to me in understanding him and the situation.

Your last words in the last post is that you are desperate. As you proceed with your days and nights ahead, you will need to practice as much calm as is possible. You are in for a process of healing here that will take time. Establish a few calming habits daily to help you along (examples: brisk daily walk, taking breaks for a few yoga stretches every so often, calming music… posting here, if it helps).

Back to what I learned from that phone conversation you had with him: I was correct previously in understanding that he has been distressed- while the relationship was ongoing- for a long time, months, before the final blow. I was correct in suggesting that he was faking it, going with the motions. The termination of the relationship was sudden only in YOUR experience. In his experience, the termination was slow and gradual.

He is correct when he told you he is not good communicating. He is very well aware of it and took responsibility for it.

Regarding you not seeing his distress during those months- I can understand it because he kept saying those assuring and reassuring statements to you, like before. So you took comfort in those. I also believe that on some level you knew there was trouble, from the very beginning and this is why you needed the reassurance all through the relationship. You were too … desperate then (and now) to be aware of what was too distressing for you to be aware of.

Let me know what you think of what I wrote so far. I have more but need your feedback. Also, aware of your stress level, I shouldn’t overwhelm you with posts that are too long.

anita